Talking with teenagers about child sexual abuse: getting started

Talking about child sexual abuse with your child or a child in your care helps to keep them safe.

That’s because talking helps your child understand what sexual abuse is and gives them language to talk about it too. Also, open and honest conversations about sexual topics send the message that your child can always talk to you and that you’ll listen, no matter what.

If you’re not sure how to start, you can talk about sexual abuse as part of conversations about romantic relationships, sex and sexuality, respect, consent, pornography and online safety.

Here are ideas:

• Talk about good things that happen in trusting and respectful relationships, like feeling loved and supported. But you might also talk about how relationships can sometimes make people feel uncomfortable, unsafe, disrespected or bullied – and this isn’t OK.
• Talk about social media and how it lets you connect with people who share your interests – but these might be people you don’t know.
• Use a news report, TV show or talk at your child’s school to start a conversation.
• Use everyday opportunities to talk with your child about sexual abuse – for example, during dinner or when you’re driving your child to an after-school activity.

You don’t have to talk about all aspects of sexual abuse at once. You can come back to conversations later.

All children have the right to be safe from abuse. Talking about sexual abuse is part of creating safe environments that help young people grow and thrive.

Consent

Teenagers have the right to say what happens to their bodies. When your child understands this, they can also understand that it’s wrong for other people to touch, ask to see or take photos of their body, or do anything sexual with them, without consent.

Giving and getting consent is essential to healthy and enjoyable sexual experiences for your child. Understanding and exercising consent can also help to keep your child safe from sexual abuse.

You can explain to your child that most people do the right thing. But there might be situations where someone your child trusts – like an adult friend, a family member or another young person – tries to touch them in a sexual way without consent. Or there might be situations where your child feels they can’t say no to something sexual, or they’re frightened and can’t leave the situation.

If this happens, it’s important for your child to know that it isn’t their fault. And it’s important for your child to tell you or another trusted adult what has happened. It’s important even if your child feels embarrassed or ashamed, has been told to keep it a secret or has been threatened, bribed, blackmailed or tricked.

Let your child know that you’ll listen non-judgmentally, believe them and support them.

Respectful relationships

When teenagers know what healthy and respectful relationships look like, they might be able to recognise the signs of an unhealthy or abusive relationship.

One way to help your child understand respect is by talking about examples that you come across on TV or streaming services or at the movies. Or your child might see and talk about their friends’ relationships as examples.

It’s also important to talk about knowing when a relationship is becoming disrespectful or unsafe and what your child can do. For example, ‘It’s wrong for someone to force you to kiss them, try to get you to do something sexual that you don’t want to do, or try to be around you when you don’t want them to be. You don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to do, even if you’re in a relationship with that person’.

Safe and unsafe places and situations

It’s a good idea to talk with your child about what makes places and situations safe or less safe.

You could talk about how a safe place might make them feel calm or happy. This might be a place where they could easily find someone who could help them.

An unsafe place or situation might make them feel uncomfortable or scared. This might somewhere with no-one to listen and help them.

It’s also a good idea to talk with your child about what to do in potentially unsafe situations. For example:

• ‘What would you do if someone you’ve only just met offers you a lift home?’
• ‘What would you do if you felt uncomfortable at a sleepover?’
• ‘What would you do if an adult or someone your age tried to touch you in a way that you didn’t like or made you feel uncomfortable?’

It’s also a good idea to talk about what unsafe online situations look like and how grooming happens online. For example:

• ‘How can you tell that someone on the internet is who they say they are?’
• ‘Why might strangers start talking to teenagers on the internet?’
• ‘What would you do if someone asked you to meet up with them or send them naked pictures?’

You might need to remind your child about physical warning signs that a place or situation isn’t safe. For example, your child’s heart might start beating faster and they might feel sweaty or shaky. Or they might just get a ‘gut feeling’ that things aren’t safe. If your child’s body sends these signs, it’s important for your child to trust the signs and get away from the place or situation.

Knowing who to trust and tell

If there are several trusted people in your child’s life, they’ll have someone to talk to about worries and concerns, including sexual abuse. You could work with your child to identify trusted family and friends or teachers.

If someone on your child’s list doesn’t believe them, they need to keep telling trusted adults until someone listens and helps.

Talking about child sexual abuse with teenagers with disability: tips

If your child has disability, you might need to adapt conversations to suit their communication preferences and cognitive, emotional and developmental needs.

These ideas can help:

• Talk often, and keep conversations short and focused. For example, you could start by talking about consent, and talk about safe and unsafe situations another time.
• Give your child time to absorb and understand what you’ve talked about.
• Regularly check in with your child to make sure they’ve understood. You might need to repeat information several times.
• Try various options for explaining complex subjects. For example, you could use a doll to explain appropriate and inappropriate touch.
• Get support from your child’s GP, occupational therapist or speech pathologist, or another professional who works with your child.