Talking with children and teenagers who are dying: why it’s important
If your child is dying, it’s natural to want to protect them from this information.
But your child will probably notice changes in the way people around them are behaving. They might also have noticed changes in their body and abilities.
Your child needs information and explanation to understand these changes. When you give them the information they need, they’ll feel supported, cared for, comforted, reassured, calm and perhaps more confident about what’s ahead. They’ll also know they can come to you if they have questions or need to talk.
Open conversations give your child a chance to prepare for death and create and share memories with loved ones. And these conversations can be a chance for you, your child and your family to say goodbye.
Without accurate information and open conversations, your child might imagine that their situation is too scary or terrible to talk about.
Children and teenagers don’t always say how they’re feeling. Children and teenagers might express feelings about their situation through behaviour, play, drawing or writing. It’s important to look for signs of how your child is feeling, so you can support your child at the end of their life.
How and when to talk with children and teenagers about dying
It’s up to you when and how to talk about dying and death with your child. There’s no right or wrong time or way to talk.
Your decision about what to say might depend on your child’s age and their ability to understand, as well as their worries and questions. It might also depend on your religious or cultural beliefs.
Your decision about when to talk might be influenced by how effective your child’s treatment is. Or you might be worried your child could find out about their situation from someone else. You might also need time to prepare yourself and decide what to say.
It can help to think of talking with your child about their illness and death as a series of small talks rather than one big conversation. You don’t have to tell your child everything all at once.
Children might sometimes prefer to ask other trusted adults about their illness and dying because they don’t want to upset their parents. If you think this might help your child or family, you can think about who else could talk with your child – for example, grandparents or your child’s care team. You could talk with these people about what to say. Or your child might prefer to keep information about their illness private. It’s important to respect this when you can.
Starting a conversation about dying with children and teenagers
It can help to choose a time when you’re both relaxed and there aren’t any distractions. A safe, private, comfortable and familiar place is a good idea too.
It’s good to think about what to say beforehand. Your child’s care team can help you with this.
One option is to start by giving your child honest but basic information in simple, factual language that your child can understand. When you’re honest, your child knows they can trust you, which is a great foundation for more conversations.
It’s important to give your child your full attention when you talk, so you can tune in to their feelings and responses. For example, your child might have all sorts of worries, like whether they’ve done something to cause their illness. Or they might worry about whether they’ll be in pain or be left alone or about what will happen to their siblings or pets after they die.
So it’s good to gently encourage your child to explore worries. For example, you could ask, ‘Is there anything you’re worried about?’ This gives you the chance to reassure your child that this is nobody’s fault, you’ll look after them and you love them.
Some children don’t want to ask questions about dying, and others do. If you encourage your child to lead the questions, it allows your child to control what they ask and when. For example, you could ask your child whether there’s anything they want to know. Or you could say, ‘If you want to ask any questions, we can talk anytime you want. We’ll always answer honestly’.
Your child might give you cues that they’ve had enough talking. For example, they might look away, fidget or change the subject. If you notice these cues, it’s OK to come back to the conversation another time.
It’s OK to be sad or cry when you talk with your child about dying. You can explain that you’re sad because they’re sick and you wish you could make them better.
Answering questions about dying from children and teenagers
Your child might ask whether they’ll be in pain or what’s going to happen to them and their bodies. It’s best to keep your answers simple and factual.
For example, you might say something like, ‘The doctors will be able to help you with the pain’, or ‘Your body won’t have as much energy. You’ll probably spend more time napping. You might not want to eat as much’.
Or your child might ask whether they can stay at home or go home. You can let them know what’s possible. You can also reassure them that no matter where they are, you’ll stay with them and that the people they love can come to see them.
You might also want to think about what to say if your child wants to know what happens after they die.
It’s a good idea to ask your child’s care team for help answering your child’s questions. They’ll be able to provide information tailored to your child’s illness.
Over time your child might need many opportunities to ask questions or get information.
Books about death and dying to help children and teenagers
Reading books with your child or suggesting books for your teenage child to read can be a good way to help your child understand what’s happening.
Books for younger children
- What does dead mean? A book for young children to help explain death and dying by Caroline Jay and Jenni Thomas
- Guess how much I love you by Sam McBratney
- The invisible string by Patrice Karst
Books for teenagers
- Talking about death by Earl Grollman
- Helping teens cope with death by The Dougy Centre