Planning steps for preventing challenging behaviour and encouraging positive behaviour

Shopping trips, travelling in the car, taking phone calls, attending appointments, visiting friends – these are all situations when it can be challenging to meet children’s needs and also get things done. In situations like these, it’s common for children to behave in ways that are challenging for their parents.

Our planning steps can help you to prevent and manage challenging behaviour in these situations. These steps also help you to think about why some situations are more difficult for your child and what to do when they happen.

Many things influence children’s behaviour. It’s always a good idea to think about why your child is behaving in a particular way. When you understand the reasons for your child’s behaviour, you’re better able to choose an appropriate response.

1. Identify and assess challenging situations

Before you can plan, you need to identify situations that are challenging for you and your child.

To begin, try to work out what’s making the situation challenging. Is it because there are too many demands or time pressures on your child? is your child bored? Are you feeling stressed, frustrated or embarrassed by your child’s behaviour? Is the environment likely to spark challenging behaviour? For example, are there check-outs with lollies at eye level?

It can be worth thinking about whether you can avoid the situation or ask someone to help. For example, you could do your grocery shopping online instead of going to the shops, or you could ask someone to look after your child while you shop.

If you can’t avoid the situation or you think it might be time for your child to learn how to behave positively in the situation, planning can help.

You might like to read more about how you can encourage good behaviour by changing your child’s environment.

2. Make expectations clear

Talk with your child before you go into a challenging situation. Let them know what you expect and what behaviour is OK.

You can make expectations clear by setting simple rules. For example, rules for a doctor’s waiting room might be ‘Talk quietly’, ‘Ask before you touch’ and ‘Be gentle with the toys and magazines’. Older children can be more involved in deciding on the rules. Your child is more likely to remember the rules if there aren’t too many of them.

It’s also good to agree in advance on what happens when your child follows the rules and when your child breaks them. For example, for the doctor’s waiting room, you might say, ‘If you ask before you touch, we can go to the park on the way home. If you touch without asking, you’ll sit on the chair next to me for one minute, and we won’t be able to go to the park’.

Check that your child understands what you expect. You can ask older children to explain the rules, rewards and consequences to you. Do this again just before you enter the challenging situation – for example, just before you go through the door of the doctor’s surgery.

3. Think of your child as a learner

Difficult behaviour can happen because a child doesn’t have the skills to cope with a challenging situation. So it’s worth thinking about how you can help your child learn the skills they need.

This starts with working out what skills your child needs to learn. For example, if problems happen during phone calls, your child might need to learn how to say, ‘Excuse me’, wait for you to respond, accept your answer, and keep busy and quiet. You could explain and show your child what to do.

When your child is learning a new way to behave, it’ll help if they can practise and succeed in easier situations. Remember to praise your child when they get it right. Once your child is coping better, they can try harder situations. For example:

• Shopping – plan a few short shopping trips for just a few items.
• Visiting or visitors – arrange a series of short visits from or to a friend or relative.
• Phone calls – arrange a series of short telephone calls with friends or family.

If you plan things around your child’s routine, you can also make situations less challenging and better for your child’s learning. For example, try to make appointments for directly after your toddler’s nap or snack, or for when you have more time and aren’t rushing.

Some skills take time and practice, so it’s good to have realistic expectations while your child is still learning.

4. Plan ways of helping your child keep busy and engaged

For toddlers, plan activities that will keep them engaged in challenging situations. Have a ‘going-out bag’ ready, with a drink, a snack and a few small but interesting items – for example, paper and coloured pencils, blocks, pegs and books.

With your help, preschoolers and school-age children can plan interesting activities themselves, or you can get them involved in what you’re doing. For example, while grocery shopping or queuing at the post office, you could do a word search, count things or play ‘I spy’.

You can have special activities just for car trips or telephone calls. These could be audiobooks, music, sticker books and games like car karaoke or alphabet search.

5. Encourage positive behaviour

During a challenging situation, look for and encourage positive behaviour.

Praise makes it more likely that your child will repeat the behaviour. Praise works best when you tell your child exactly what you’re praising them for. You can also praise your child when you see them making an effort, even if they don’t get it exactly right.

For example, if the challenging situation is a telephone call, you might briefly stop talking to praise your child for playing quietly.

Rewards can also help children follow the rules, so you could plan a fun activity on the way back from the shops or when you get home if your child follows the rules.

6. Handle challenging behaviour

Even when you plan to prevent challenging behaviour, it might still happen. So it’s a good idea to plan how to handle it. Depending on the situation, you might be able to use strategies like removing attention, time-in or quiet time or time-out.

It’s also important to think through strategies you can use to stay calm when challenging behaviour happens. For example, you could take deep breaths or use helpful thoughts like, ‘Just focus on what I need to do’ or ‘This will be over soon’.

7. Have a follow-up talk

It can help to talk with your child after you’ve been in a challenging situation. During the talk, highlight things your child did well and celebrate the progress you’re making together.

After you praise your child for what they did well, you can also point out 1-2 things your child might do differently in future. These can become your goals for next time.