Removing attention: what it is and when to use it

Removing attention is a positive behaviour strategy.

Removing attention can discourage minor challenging behaviour like:

• using inappropriate language
• making silly sounds
• pulling faces
• talking back
• whinging, whining or complaining.

This strategy involves paying no attention to your child while they’re behaving in challenging ways and then returning your attention when the challenging behaviour stops.

For example, you might be having a family meal, and your child is bouncing on their seat. You could ask your child to sit still. If they don’t, you could remove attention by leaving your child out of the conversation and not looking at them until they stop bouncing. When your child stops, you could say, ‘I love it when you sit still on your chair at dinner. Why don’t you tell us what you did at preschool today?’

Removing attention isn’t an appropriate strategy for aggressive, destructive or dangerous behaviour like biting, hitting, throwing things and so on. A strategy like quiet time or time-out is appropriate for behaviour like this.

Many things influence children’s behaviour. It’s always a good idea to think about why your child is behaving in a particular way. When you understand the reasons for your child’s behaviour, you’re better able to choose an appropriate response.

Why does removing attention work?

Removing attention works because your attention is a big reward for your child.

If your child behaves in a particular way and gets your attention, your child is likely to behave that way again. If you remove attention from behaviour, it’s less likely to happen again.

So if you give attention to positive behaviour, you’ll probably see positive behaviour more often. And if you take your attention away from minor challenging behaviour, you’ll probably see it less often.

It’s important to always give your child positive attention like praise and rewards when they behave in positive ways.

Before you start using removing attention to guide behaviour

Before you start using removing attention as a strategy to guide your child’s behaviour, it’s important to decide on the behaviour you’ll use it for.

It’s best used for the following:

• Minor challenging behaviour, but not dangerous, aggressive or destructive behaviour – for example, you might be able to remove attention when your child is pulling faces, but not when they’re hitting someone.
• Behaviour that you can safely ignore wherever and whenever it happens, whether you’re at home or out – for example, if you decide to remove attention from inappropriate language at home, you’ll also need to ignore it when you’re visiting elderly relatives.
• Behaviour that you can safely ignore even if it gets more intense – for example, if you decide to remove attention when your child starts saying an inappropriate word, you’ll need to keep ignoring it if your child starts saying it louder.
• Behaviour that siblings, friends, relatives and your partner can safely and comfortably ignore – for example, it’s important for everyone to agree on ignoring behaviour like repeated requests for lollies.

Minor challenging behaviour can be quite frustrating to be around, so it’s worth planning ways to distract yourself while you’re ignoring. For example, you could put on music, count in your head or plan your shopping list. Simple breathing exercises can also help you feel in control and stay calm.

How to use removing attention to guide children’s behaviour

Here’s how to remove attention when the minor challenging behaviour starts.

1. Point out the challenging behaviour and ask your child to stop
The challenging behaviour might be obvious to you but not to your child. You could say something like, ‘Younis, please stop asking for lollies. We’ll have a snack when we get home’.

2. Completely remove your attention if the challenging behaviour continues
Don’t look at your child or say anything. This means no glances, smiles, frowns or talking. No talking includes not saying ‘I’m ignoring you’.

If it’s safe and practical, walk away from your child while they’re behaving in the challenging way. But stay close enough to know when the challenging behaviour stops, so you can return your full attention to your child straight away.

3. Remove attention for as long as the behaviour continues
Even if the challenging behaviour goes on for 5-10 minutes, you need to remove your attention for that entire time. If you return attention before the challenging behaviour stops, your child will learn that persisting with the challenging behaviour gets a response.

4. Return attention as soon as the behaviour stops
This means giving your child enthusiastic praise. For example, when your child stops complaining loudly about having to turn off the TV, you might say, ‘Thank you for speaking in a nice voice. Let’s go and see what we’re having for dinner tonight’.

It’s good to watch for even for brief moments when the behaviour stops. These can be opportunities to pay attention to and praise your child. This is especially important for younger children.

Should you tell your child you’re removing attention when they start the behaviour? It depends on whether telling your child might reward your child with attention. For something small, you might not say anything and just turn away. Or you might explain only once that you won’t respond when your child speaks or behaves in a particular way. Then remove your attention from the behaviour whenever it happens without saying anything else.

When removing attention doesn’t seem to be working

When you first start removing attention, it’s possible that the behaviour might get worse before it gets better as your child tries harder to get a response. This doesn’t mean the strategy isn’t working. If you’re consistent and persist with the strategy, you should find that challenging behaviour decreases in frequency.

But if the minor behaviour becomes more serious – for example, if your child becomes aggressive or starts damaging property, you might need to rethink your strategy. In this situation, it’s best to use a strategy like quiet time or time out.

It’s important to note that removing attention won’t work for behaviour that is rewarding to your child. For example, autistic children might take off their clothes to help with sensory processing. In this situation, removing attention won’t work.

If you find removing attention isn’t working for minor challenging behaviour, talk with your child’s GP or another health professional about other ways to help your child learn positive behaviour.