Before premature birth: your emotions

If you know you might have a premature birth or a baby who’ll need to stay in hospital, you might feel a range of emotions. For example, you might feel joy, love, helplessness, sadness, guilt, fear, worry or grief that your baby’s birth won’t be what you expected.

If you have a partner, it’s common for you and your partner to have different feelings and concerns about premature birth.

Mental and emotional preparation can help you cope with these feelings before and at the time of your baby’s birth.

Finding out more about premature birth

One way to manage your emotions, ease your worries and feel more in control is to get information. You can start by working out what you need and want to know and asking questions about premature birth, labour and babies.

Here are questions to get you started. You could discuss these questions with your midwife or doctor. It’s OK to say you’d like things explained clearly and simply so that you can understand.

Premature labour and birth

• Do you know why my labour has started, or will start, so early?
• Can I still follow my birth plan and have my birth preference – for example, a vaginal delivery, caesarean, no pain relief? If not, why not?
• Can I visit the place where I need to give birth?
• I haven’t had a chance to go to any birth classes. What should I expect? Will you help me through my labour?
• Will I be able to get pain relief during labour?
• Will you tell me how my labour is going and how my baby is going?

Your health and wellbeing

• Will I need any medicines? Why? What will the medicines do?
• Can my partner stay with me until after the baby is born?
• I’m feeling really upset about all this. It’s not what I expected, and I’m worried about my baby. What can you do to help me?
• Who else can I talk to about how I’m feeling? Can you connect me with a support group?

Your premature baby

• Can my partner or I see and touch my baby immediately after birth?
• What will my baby look like?
• What support will my baby need after birth?
• When will I be able to hold my baby?
• What special equipment or medicines will my baby need? What do they do?
• Will my baby live? Will my baby be healthy? Will my baby develop like other babies?
• How long will my baby need to stay in this hospital? Can they be moved back to a hospital closer to home?

Neonatal intensive care

• Will my baby need to go to the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) or special care nursery? How soon after birth?
• Will my partner or I be able to go to the NICU with our baby?
• How long will my baby be in the NICU?
• How can I help to care for my baby in the NICU?

Other parents can be a great source of information. And speaking to other parents of premature babies can remind you that you’re not alone. You can connect with other parents through Miracle Babies Foundation or Life’s Little Treasures Foundation. Miracle Babies Foundation runs NurtureLine, a free family peer support helpline – call 1300 622 243.

Getting familiar with the NICU or special care nursery

Your baby might be taken to the NICU or special care nursery after the birth. Babies in NICUs and special care nurseries tend to have machines and technology all around them, which can be overwhelming and even scary at first.

If you and your partner visit the NICU or special care nursery before the birth, it will feel more familiar when you visit your baby there. Your doctor or midwife can arrange this for you.

Looking after yourself before premature birth

Looking after yourself can also help you manage strong emotions and stay calm before your baby is born:

• Do breathing exercises, muscle relaxation exercises or mindfulness exercises.
• Do activities and hobbies that relax you. For example, listen to relaxing music, go for a walk, paint, read or have a warm bath.
• Take things one step at a time. For example, focus on what you need to do today, and try not to worry about what might happen tomorrow.
• Focus on helpful thoughts. For example, try thinking about your baby in a calm, loving and positive way.
• Ask for help if you need it. You can talk to your partner, a family member or a trusted friend.

Preparing siblings for a premature birth and baby

It’s a good idea to talk with your older children before you go to hospital.

Talking with your children about what’s happening can help them to feel less anxious and confused. For example, they might worry that they caused the baby to come early or that they might get the baby’s condition. You can let them know that they didn’t do anything and seeing the baby won’t make them sick.

Give your children a rough idea of how long you and the baby will be in hospital – for example, how many days, weeks or sleeps. You could make a calendar that your older children can draw on and use to cross off the days until their new sibling comes home.

It’s a good idea to explain that you and your partner might be spending a lot of time visiting the hospital. It can also help children to know who’ll be looking after them while you’re in hospital or visiting your baby in the NICU or special care nursery.

You could talk to children about visiting the baby. If you show children pictures of premature babies, they’ll be better prepared for what the baby will look like when they visit. They could do a drawing to give to the baby, so they feel closer to their new sibling.

You could also read books to help your older children understand what a premature baby is like – for example, Rosie and Tortoise by Margaret Wild.

Preparing yourself mentally and emotionally for premature birth is important. There are also many practical things you can do before premature birth to make things easier for yourself and your family.