Why teenagers bully others & what to do about it

Is your teen bullying others?

If your teen is deliberately and repeatedly upsetting, embarrassing, frightening, threatening or hurting other young people, it’s bullying. If this behaviour is happening online, it’s cyberbullying.

Bullying is never OK, and all bullying is hurtful – no matter who does it. Bullying can cause long-lasting harm, both to young people who are being bullied and to those who are bullying others.

Signs that your teen is bullying others

Bullying in teenagers is generally less physical than bullying in younger children. But if you think your child might be bullying, there are signs you can look out for:

talking about certain peers in a consistently aggressive or negative way
making negative jokes about others
having money, devices or other things that don’t belong to them
showing signs of racism or disrespect to people from diverse backgrounds, people with additional needs or people who look different in some way
not showing healthy attitudes to gender
being secretive about mobile phones or computers
deliberately excluding others from their friendship group or activities.

These signs don’t necessarily mean your child is bullying. But if you see these signs, it’s a good idea to talk with your child about how they’re getting on with others at school, sports clubs or other organisations.

Teenagers will often deny they’re bullying others if you ask them directly. Or they might not see their behaviour as bullying. They might just dismiss it as teasing or joking. It’s more likely that you’ll find out when the school contacts you or another parent or young person tells you.

How to find out why your teen is bullying others

If your child is bullying others, your child needs help. And helping them starts with understanding their behaviour.

Step 1: talk with your teen about their bullying behaviour

This will help you understand what’s going on and why your child is bullying.

Calm and caring conversations will also help your child feel loved and supported. This is an important step towards changing the bullying behaviour and helping your child learn to treat others respectfully.

Here’s how:

Stay calm, avoid blame, ask questions and actively listen to your child.
Ask your child what they know about bullying and how it affects people. If you need to, explain what bullying is.
Ask your child what they know about bullying at their school or other organisations.
Say that you know your child has been involved in bullying. Be firm, even if your child denies it.
Encourage your child to empathise with the people they’ve bullied. For example, ‘How would you feel if someone did that to you?’
Tell your child that their bullying behaviour is not OK. Let them know you expect it to end and that you’ll help them to make that happen.

Step 2: explore your teen’s feelings and peer relationships

Sometimes teenagers bully others as a response to strong emotions or difficult peer relationships. For example:

What’s going on in your child’s life? Is something worrying them? Your child might be using bullying to get control over these feelings.
How is your child feeling? They might be using bullying to communicate anger.
Does your child feel confident about making and keeping friends? Your child might be bullying because they aren’t sure how to make new friends.
Who are your child’s peers? It’s possible that someone else is influencing your child to bully others.
Is your child being bullied themselves? Sometimes teenagers who are bullied will also bully others.

Step 3: think about influences on your teen’s behaviour

Sometimes bullying behaviour is influenced by other things in teenagers’ lives. For example:

Has your child been regularly exposed to arguments, conflicts or relationship problems at home? Some teenagers are more likely to develop bullying behaviour when they see conflict between the adults in their lives.
How do you solve problems as a family? Teenagers need to see and practise problem-solving.
Who are your child’s role models? Some celebrities, influencers, sportspeople and older peers might not be positive influences on your child’s behaviour.
Is your child exposed to disrespectful language and aggressive behaviour online?

Sometimes your child might not want to talk with you about the bullying. You could suggest they talk to another trusted adult, like a relative, family friend or GP. Or they could call Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800.

When you understand what’s going on, the next step is telling your child that you’ll work with them and the school or other organisation to stop the bullying. Your child needs to know that you’re taking the matter seriously. Bullying is never OK.

How to stop your teen from bullying others by working with the school

If your child is bullying at school, working with the school is the best way to stop it.

How to work with school staff in a constructive and positive way

Let your child know that you’re working with the school.
Discuss the issue with a teacher, year coordinator or student welfare coordinator. Ask what the school currently does to address bullying behaviour.
Ask what you can do from home to support the school’s approach.
Make a plan for managing the situation, and set a time for a follow-up meeting.

What if your child doesn’t want the school involved?

Your child might be embarrassed or think that you’re over-reacting by working with the school.

Learning to treat others respectfully is an important aspect of your child’s social and emotional development. The best way to support your child is by working with the school, even if it’s against your child’s wishes.

How to change your teen’s bullying behaviour by being a role model

When you and other adults in your child’s life model respectful and caring behaviour, you help your child build the skills they need to develop positive relationships and feel good about themselves.

Role-modelling ideas

Talk about other people with respect and empathy. For example, ‘I know that your teacher can be grumpy sometimes, but they have a lot of experience and knowledge to share with you’.
Express uncomfortable emotions in healthy ways. For example, ‘I feel angry just now. Could we talk about this later when I’ve calmed down?’
Resolve conflicts constructively. For example, ‘I understand that you want more freedom to go out by yourself. But you’re 15 and I want to make sure you’re safe’.
Use social media posts in responsible and positive ways. For example, ask your child before you post an image of them.

If your child has a warm and positive relationship with you, they’re less likely to bully others. And when your family sets rules and standards for the way you treat each other, it helps to build positive relationships in your family. This can go a long way towards helping your child grow into a well-adjusted, considerate and caring adult.

Where to get extra help for your teen

Some teenagers might need extra help to learn how to treat other children respectfully and with kindness. Counselling can help if your child is having trouble with self-esteem, anger or impulse control.

If the bullying is happening at school, you can also ask the school about support. You can start by speaking to your child’s teachers or the year coordinator, student welfare coordinator, principal or school counsellor.

Your child could also see a mental health professional who isn’t associated with their school, like a psychologist or counsellor. Your GP can help you find a suitable professional.

Confidential telephone counselling services can help if your child wants to speak to someone between appointments. Your child could call:

Lifeline on 131 114
Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800.

Your child might be able to get Medicare rebates for up to 10 sessions with a mental health professional each calendar year. To get these rebates, your child will need a mental health treatment plan from a GP or a referral from a paediatrician or psychiatrist.