How to help someone in a family violence situation

What is family violence?

Family violence is when a family member threatens, harms, controls or abuses another family member. Family violence can include violence by:

an adult in a family – for example, a partner or spouse, an adult child, an extended family member, or a member of a kinship network
an adult who used to be in a family – for example, a former partner or spouse
a teenage child or young person in the family.

Family violence is sometimes also called domestic violence, intimate partner violence or domestic abuse.

If you or your children are in immediate danger because of family violence, call the police on 000. If you need support because of family violence, speak to your GP. Contact the National Domestic Family and Sexual Violence Counselling Service by calling 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732), texting 0458 737 732, using online chat or video calling. You can also call 13YARN on 139 276 or Lifeline on 131 114. Or speak to a trusted family member or friend.

Types of family violence and abuse

Family violence includes many different types of violence and abuse. This article focuses on the types of family violence that happen between partners and ex-partners.

Coercive control

This is when someone uses emotional, psychological, physical, sexual, financial, religious or other abuse or harassment to control their partner.

Someone experiencing coercive control has a high risk of also experiencing more physical violence, especially when they decide to leave the relationship.

Emotional and psychological abuse

This is when a person insults, upsets, intimidates, controls or humiliates their partner or ex-partner. It includes:

yelling, swearing and name-calling
putting their partner down in public or private
verbally intimidating or threatening their partner
gaslighting – doing or saying things to make their partner feel confused
stopping their partner from spending time with their children, friends or other family members
damaging or destroying their partner’s personal belongings or property
forcing their partner to have an abortion
turning their children against their partner
using their children to get information about their partner
forcing or encouraging their children to insult or disobey their partner.

Physical abuse

This is any harmful or controlling physical behaviour that a person uses towards their partner or ex-partner. It includes:

shoving, pushing, punching, hitting, slapping or biting
choking, smothering or pinning down their partner
using weapons or objects to harm their partner
harming or threatening to harm other family members or family pets.

Sexual abuse

This is any unwanted sexual behaviour by a person towards their partner or ex-partner. It includes:

threatening or intimidating their partner into unwanted sexual activities
exposing their partner to sexual images or content they don’t want to see
sharing sexual images or content about their partner without consent
raping their partner or engaging in other unwanted sexual contact
forcing their partner to become pregnant or sabotaging their partner’s contraception.

Harassment, stalking and threats of harm

This is when a person harasses their partner or ex-partner by contacting them or monitoring what they’re doing. It includes:

following their partner to see where they’re going or who they’re meeting
tracking phones and other electronic devices to find out where their partner is or to monitor their social and online activities
putting software and spy cameras into children’s devices or toys
constantly ringing or texting their partner
threatening to harm their partner or the people close to them
threatening to harm family pets.

Economic and financial abuse

This is when a person restricts their partner’s or ex-partner’s access to money. It includes a person:

not letting their partner work outside the home for pay
taking their partner’s pay, Centrelink income or other benefits
making their partner late for work, going to or interfering with their work, or causing their partner to lose work
having sole control over family finances or taking control of their partner’s bank account
asking their partner to justify and document every expense
withholding child support payments if they’re separated from their partner
incurring debts in their partner’s name
putting bills like utilities in their partner’s name and not contributing to them.

Cultural, spiritual and/or religious abuse

This is when a person:

stops their partner or ex-partner from practising their religion, language or cultural activities
makes their partner take on religious or cultural beliefs and practices
uses religious teachings to justify abusive behaviour.

There’s no excuse for family violence. The person using family violence is the only person responsible for it and the way it affects those experiencing it.

How is family violence and abuse related to gender and sexuality?

Family violence can happen to both men and women, in heterosexual and same-sex relationships. It happens regardless of age, income, education, culture or religion.

But women are much more likely than men to experience family violence and coercive control. Women are also more likely to live in fear of a partner or ex-partner and to be injured or killed because of family violence.

Children are also affected by family violence. They might experience family violence themselves or be affected by living in a home where it’s happening.

Is it abuse? How to recognise the signs in someone you know

People experiencing family violence often don’t tell anyone.

This might be because they:

have been threatened
think no-one will believe them
haven’t felt supported when telling someone in the past
blame themselves or feel ashamed.

Signs of family violence and abuse to watch for

A person experiencing family violence or abuse might:

seem afraid of their partner or very careful about what they say or do around their partner
say their partner is jealous, moody or bad tempered
need their partner’s approval to do things, go places or spend money
get a lot of phone calls or text messages when they’re not with their partner
seem more anxious, jumpy, distant or depressed than usual
not socialise as much as usual, make excuses for not socialising, or cancel things at the last minute
not want to leave children with their partner
have scratches or bruises and say that these are because of clumsy accidents.

You might also notice the person’s partner behaving in concerning ways. For example, the person’s partner might:

criticise them
put them down in front of you
stop them from doing something.

What to do if you think someone is experiencing family violence and abuse

If you’re concerned about someone’s immediate safety or the safety of their children, you should call the police on 000.

If you think that a friend or family member is experiencing family violence, let them know you’re concerned. You might start the conversation by talking about the things you’ve noticed. For example, you might say ‘I’ve noticed that you seem uncomfortable or anxious when you’re around your partner. Is everything OK in your relationship?’

If they don’t want to talk about it, let them know that they can trust you and that you’re there for them when they’re ready. In the meantime, you can find out about services, options and safety plans by calling 1800RESPECT or visiting their website.

If or when your friend or family member is ready to talk, you can let them know about these support services and other practical options. You can also discuss a safety plan.

Being listened to and believed can be very important for people experiencing family violence.

It’s important to avoid judging someone who is experiencing violence and abuse, particularly if they haven’t left the relationship. There are many reasons why people might not be ready to leave. For example, it might not be safe for them to leave, they might have been threatened with more violence, they might be worried about their children’s safety, or they might not have the money or resources to leave.

Leaving an abusive relationship can take many attempts and can be a very difficult, long and risky process.

Family violence support ranges from crisis accommodation and protection orders to family violence counselling and survivor support groups. With the right support, people can recover from the social, emotional and physical effects of family violence.