How to talk with your child about their autism diagnosis

Why it’s good to talk to your child about their autism diagnosis

Talking to your child about their autism diagnosis can help them feel positive about themselves and their autistic identity.

For example, it can help your child:

understand their differences
be kinder to themselves
feel a sense of control over their life
develop a positive self-identity
feel a sense of belonging to the neurodivergent community
understand their challenges and the supports that can help
learn to advocate for things they need.

If you and other trusted adults in your child’s life talk about autism in accepting, inclusive, supportive and positive ways, it can be good for your child’s sense of self and wellbeing. You might need to help friends and family embrace your child’s neurodivergence.

When to talk with your child about their diagnosis

It’s never too early to start the conversation.

But it will depend on your child’s developmental stage and ability to understand their diagnosis. It will also depend on what feels right for your family and your child.

Even if your child is diagnosed in early childhood or the early school years, it’s good to talk early rather than waiting until they’re older.

If your child is in later primary or secondary school, it’s best to talk with them during the diagnosis process.

Talking about being autistic is a conversation that will continue and evolve as your child grows. Your child might become more curious and ask more questions about being autistic as they have new experiences and face new challenges.

How to explain autism if your child is aged 3-10 years

If your child gets an autism diagnosis in early childhood, you can talk about their autistic brain, their strengths and the challenges they might experience.

Tips and ideas

Use your child’s interests to start a conversation. For example, ‘You know how you love sharks? And talking and thinking about sharks makes you feel safe and happy? This is because of the way your brain works. You’re autistic’.
Explain that being autistic can come with a lot of strengths. For example, ‘Your autistic brain helps you focus on things for a long time, which is great’.
Talk with your child about the challenges they might have and how you can help. For example, ‘It can be tricky when plans change or there are a lot of people or loud noises around. That’s OK. Grown-ups will help you’.
Help your child understand what makes them feel calm and happy. For example, ‘Autistic people often feel good when they move their bodies, play with their favourite toys, or have big, squeezy cuddles’.
Read books about autism with your child – for example, Rainbow brain by Sandhya Menon, The brain forest by Sandhya Menon, or All brains are different by Yellow Ladybugs.
If your child has language skills, encourage them to ask questions. Answer honestly and reassure your child that if you don’t know the answer, you’ll do your best to find out.

Some autistic children might find it hard to understand or talk about what autism means, especially if they have an intellectual disability, don’t use speech, or don’t use assistive technology. If this sounds like your child, pictures or videos might help them understand and communicate.

How to explain autism and the diagnosis process if your child is aged 11-18 years

If your child is being assessed for autism, you can tell your child that it’s a way to learn more about how their brain works, what they do well and what will help with things that are hard for them.

Tips and ideas

Talk to your child about getting a diagnosis. For example, ‘We want to understand and support you. We’re going to get help from an expert who understands different brains’.
Ask your child what they know about autism or children who are autistic. This can help you understand what your child already knows.
Explain that autism is a natural variation in the way the brain develops and the way it processes information. For example, ‘All brains work differently. The way your brain works means that things might seem one way to you and a different way to your family and friends. This is OK’.
Explain that being autistic means your child has many strengths, just like all children. For example, ‘Your autistic brain helps you remember songs really well’.
Talk with your child about the challenges they might have. For example, ‘You might feel overwhelmed when you’re somewhere loud or busy. That’s OK. Using your noise cancelling headphones can help’.
Talk to your child about things that help them feel happy and calm. For example, ‘If you’re feeling anxious about going to Scouts, remember that it helps you to wear your favourite socks’.
Let your child know that having an autism diagnosis can be a good thing. For example, ‘Now that you have an autism diagnosis, it will be easier for people to understand why you need to take a break in a quiet room sometimes’.
Encourage your child to read books about autism or books with autistic characters – for example, Different, not less by Chloe Hayden, or The awesome autistic go-to guide: A practical handbook for autistic teens and tweens by Yenn Purkis.

How your child might feel about their autism diagnosis

Some autistic children and teenagers know they’re different from other people their age and might wonder whether they’re autistic. They might feel relieved to have a diagnosis that helps them understand themselves.

Others might need time to come to terms with the diagnosis. They might even feel worried or uncertain.

Ways to help your child explore their feelings

Ask your child how they feel about their diagnosis. For example, ‘How does it feel to know you’re autistic? Was there anything surprising for you?’
Let your child know you’re interested in what the world is like for them. For example, ‘What does it feel like when we have to change plans unexpectedly?’, ‘Where do you feel most comfortable or uncomfortable?’ or ‘What helps you when you feel overwhelmed?’
Ask your child what language they want to use to describe themselves. For example, do they prefer ‘I have autism’ or ‘I am autistic’?
Ask your child how they feel about telling other people. Your child might feel excited or proud. Or they might feel hesitant or unsure. All these feelings are natural.
If you’re autistic yourself, share how you feel or have felt in the past about being autistic. For example, ‘When I got my diagnosis, I felt unsure and had a lot of questions. Your brain works like mine, so I can help you learn about it’.

What about telling other people?

This is your child’s diagnosis, so it’s important for them to have a say in who knows about it.

Tips to help you and your child work it out

Work on a list of friends and family that your child wants to tell.
Think of options for telling people. For example, ‘I’ve been to see a psychologist, who explained that I am autistic’.
Recognise that some people will know a lot about what it means to be autistic, but others won’t.
Think about how your child could explain autism. For example, ‘I have a different brain and might need extra help sometimes to feel safe and happy’.
Think about whether your child wants to encourage people to embrace neurodiversity. For example, ‘The world needs different types of brains’.

It’s natural to feel anxious about sharing your child’s diagnosis with others. If you’re unsure, you don’t have to do it alone. You can get guidance or reassurance from trusted friends, family, support groups or professionals.

Looking after yourself

Going through the diagnosis process with your child can be stressful. Looking after yourself physically, mentally and emotionally is good for you and gives you more energy to support your child.

It’s also important to make time for yourself and your relationship with your partner, if you have one.