Circle of friends and personal boundaries

Personal boundaries: why they’re important for children

Personal boundaries are our own limits and rules for the ways we behave around people and the ways people behave around us.

Our personal boundaries reflect what we feel is safe and reasonable. For example, we might have personal boundaries for touching other people and being touched. Our personal boundaries might also relate to what we feel comfortable sharing with other people about ourselves.

When children learn about their own and other people’s personal boundaries, it helps them understand how to behave in different social situations.

It also helps children recognise inappropriate, unsafe or unwanted behaviour. This means they’re more likely to say no to this behaviour or to ask for help if it happens.

Circle of friends: how it helps children understand personal boundaries

A circle of friends is a picture that shows different people in your child’s life. Your child is in the middle, and people are in concentric circles around your child. The people your child feels closest to are in the first circle, and strangers are furthest away.

A circle of friends activity can help you start a conversation with your child about topics like personal boundaries, body signals, and safe and unsafe touch. For example, a circle of friends activity can get you and your child talking about:

who’s in their life – who they feel close to and safe and comfortable with
how they can interact with other people – what’s safe, comfortable and OK
how other people should talk, behave and touch them – what’s safe, comfortable and OK.

Here’s an example of a circle of friends picture. Download and print this circle of friends example (PDF: 379kb).

Circle of friends example

What you need for a circle of friends activity

You and your child can do a circle of friends activity together.

You’ll need:

a large piece of paper
pencils or felt tip pens.

You might also need photos of your family and your child’s friends.

How to do a circle of friends activity with your child

Creating a circle of friends

Start with a big piece of paper and ask your child to draw a picture of themselves in the middle. Or they could stick a photo of themselves there. Ask your child to draw a circle around themselves.
Draw a larger circle around your child’s circle. In this circle ask your child to add the people they feel closest to. Your child could write their names, draw pictures of them or stick photos of them here.
Draw a larger circle around the first 2 circles. In this circle ask your child to add people who are close to them but not quite as close as those in the first circle. They could be extended family or your child’s best friends. Talk with your child about who they think should be included and why.
Draw another circle around the others and add acquaintances. These are people your child knows but isn’t close to. They could be people in your child’s wider group of friends, in their class at school, on their sports team, or family friends. Talk with your child about who they think should be included and why.
Draw another circle and add professionals and other people whose jobs are to help your child. They might be teachers, doctors or carers.
In the outside circle add strangers. These are people your child doesn’t know.

Using the circle of friends to help your child understand personal boundaries
Once you’ve added people to each of the circles, talk with your child about how they can safely interact with people in each circle.

You could ask questions like these:

How would you greet people in this circle?
Which people would it be OK to kiss or hug?
Who would you invite to your house for dinner?
Who could you talk to if you’re worried about something?
Would it be safe or appropriate to sit in this person’s lap?
Which people do you feel comfortable hugging or holding hands with?
Which people do you feel safe with collecting you from school?

If your child feels comfortable with a behaviour you don’t think is appropriate, you can talk about this with your child.

It’s also good to talk with your child about child sexual abuse. It’s never a child’s responsibility to protect themselves from abuse. But learning to say no to unwanted touch or activity is an important part of setting personal boundaries.

Adapting this activity for children of different ages

If your child is young, they might need help working out who should go into each circle. You could ask them to think about people they feel safe, happy, relaxed and comfortable spending time with. You could explain that these are people that your child knows very well and who know your child well.

It’s best to avoid suggesting specific people. This might make your child feel they have to put certain people in a circle, even if they don’t feel comfortable or safe with them.

Your child might also need help drawing the pictures and circles. Try to guide your child by holding their hand while drawing the circle, rather than just doing it for them.

If your child is older, they might want to do the activity more independently. Your child could add people to the circles, and then you could talk with your child about why they’ve chosen those people. Encourage your child to think about any people they might have missed.

Adapting this activity for children with diverse abilities

If your child has developmental delay, it might be helpful to do the activity several times. Your child might also need help to think about who should go into each circle, plus help with drawing the circles and pictures.

If your child has physical disability, they might need help with drawing. Or they could use digital tools to draw.

If your child has cognitive disability, it’s best to use clear, simple language and examples to explain concepts. An ‘Is it OK to ...?’ table can also help.

For children with disability, it’s also a good idea to think about all the people in your child’s circle, including carers or other support people.

All children learn and develop through play. Our articles on play and autistic children and play and children with disability are great starting points for adapting this activity guide for children with diverse abilities. You might also like to explore our activity guides for children with diverse abilities.