About siblings of autistic children and teenagers
Most siblings have their ups and downs. This is because it can be great to have sisters and brothers to play and share interests with. But many siblings also have times when they disagree and fight.
Siblings of autistic children or children with other additional needs are often particularly caring, compassionate, independent, tolerant and responsive to the needs of others. But sometimes they might feel sad, anxious or confused.
It’s natural for siblings to have a range of changing feelings about their family situation.
There’s a lot you can do to help your children develop healthy relationships with each other.
Explaining autism to siblings
You can strengthen your children’s relationships with each other by explaining and talking about autism.
Conversations about autism ensure your children have accurate information, which can help to reduce anxiety or confusion. These conversations can also give you the chance to talk about embracing neurodiversity in your family.
Talking about what autism means for your autistic child can help your other children see and understand their sibling as a whole person. It’s important to help your children see your autistic child’s strengths, like having a good memory, as well as the challenges they face, like getting overwhelmed in noisy places.
It’s a good idea to talk about autism as soon as you think your children can understand, or as soon as they’re old enough to notice their sibling behaves differently from other children. As children get older and better able to understand, they’ll ask more complicated questions about autism and need more information.
Steps for talking with your children about autism
You can adapt the following steps for different ages and stages of development:
- Find out what your children know already. You can do this by asking questions like ‘Sophie is autistic. Have you heard of autism?’ or ‘Have you noticed that Sophie plays differently from you?’
- Use language and ideas that your children can understand. For example, ‘Autism causes people to think differently from you. Some autistic people might play or talk differently or find it hard to understand how other people feel’ or ‘Sophie hasn’t learned to play that game yet, so she might play it differently’.
- Be prepared to explain things several times.
You could read books about autism with your children. For example, you could try All my stripes by Shaina Rudolph and Alison Singer, The superhero heart by Christel Land, and My brother Charlie by Holly Robinson Peete and Ryan Elizabeth Peete.
Making special time for siblings of autistic children
It’s good for all children to have one-on-one time with their parents, but it can be especially helpful for siblings of autistic children.
One-on-one time sends the message that each of your children is special and their feelings and experiences all matter to you. This is good for their confidence and sense of belonging to your family. And when your children feel positive about themselves, it can be good for their relationship with their sibling.
Ideas for making special time with children
- Set aside regular time for your children each day. It might be a bedtime story, or it might be 10 minutes at the end of each day when you tell your children 3 positive things they did in the day.
- Stop what you’re doing and listen when your children want to tell you something. This can help if you can’t always set aside a regular time each day.
- Make time for special activities with your children. This could be taking your children to the swimming pool or a movie.
- Use a trusted babysitter or respite carer to look after your autistic child for a day or weekend. This can give you the chance to spend one-on-one time with your other children.
Finding ways for autistic children and siblings to spend fun time together
Siblings of autistic children generally feel positive about their brothers or sisters, but sometimes their relationships aren’t as close as they could be. This might be because of the difficulties autistic children have with social communication.
One way to encourage closer relationships among your children is to look for ways that they can all play, have fun and interact together. For example, your children might all enjoy playing with sand or trains or playing basketball.
Setting family rules, roles and responsibilities
It’s important for your children to feel they’re all treated fairly and are all making a contribution to family life. This also encourages everyone to pull together as a family and teaches all children skills for daily life and independence.
Ideas for creating fair rules, roles and responsibilities
- Where possible, make family rules that are fair and consistent for all your children.
- Use strategies to encourage positive behaviour in all your children.
- Try to be fair and consistent in handling aggressive or hurtful behaviour from all your children.
- Work out tasks and chores that suit your children’s different ages, stages of development, strengths and abilities.
Managing challenging feelings in siblings
Your children might have challenging or negative feelings about their autistic sibling. For example, at different times they might feel:
- jealous of the amount of time you spend with their sibling
- discouraged because their sibling doesn’t seem to want to play with them
- angry if they think you treat them differently from their sibling
- stressed because of extra responsibilities at home or school
- protective of their sibling and angry if others make fun
- embarrassed by unwanted attention during family outings
- guilty for feeling embarrassed or angry about their sibling
- worried you might separate or divorce from your partner because of your family situation
- concerned or resentful about a future role as a carer for their sibling.
Ideas for helping children who have challenging feelings
- Be aware of your children’s feelings and acknowledge them. For example, if your child says, ‘I hate playing with Jamie because he takes my toys’, you could say ‘That must be really frustrating’.
- Talk with your children about their feelings in a non-judgmental way. For example, you might say, ‘I’m not cross with you. Tell me what happened and how it made you feel’.
- Look for positive outlets for your children’s feelings. For example, your children might like to draw or paint to express their feelings.
- Share your own feelings to help your children understand that their feelings are natural. For example, you might say that you feel frustrated sometimes too.
Encouraging a support network outside your family
A sibling support group can help your children realise they’re not alone and understand that their feelings are natural. A sibling support group might also improve your children’s relationships with each other.
An autism family support group can be a great way to meet and form friendships with other people in similar situations to yours. It can also give your children the opportunity to get to know other siblings of autistic children.
Activities or hobbies can be another way for your children to connect with and make supportive friends.
Counselling can also be a good idea, if children are having a hard time coping.
If you need help managing siblings or their feelings, talk to a professional, like your GP, a psychologist or a counsellor.