Why friendships are important for teenagers with ADHD

Close friends and friendships are important for all teenagers, including teenagers with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

Friendships help teenagers:

• feel a sense of belonging, security and comfort in their peer group
• feel that they’re valued and supported by people other than their family
• build confidence
• build skills for getting along with others, solving problems and resolving conflict.

When teenagers have friends, they have safe people for:

• talking about things with, like puberty, worries and romantic relationships
• doing new things with, like going out independently or trying new sports
• exploring things with, like values, roles, identities and ideas.

For teenagers with ADHD, good friendships can help them do better at school. Good friendships in childhood might also mean fewer social and emotional difficulties later in life.

ADHD and friendship

Teenage friendships are often more intimate and close than friendships among younger children. Teenagers might expect more empathy and understanding from their friends.

To enjoy these kinds of friendships, teenagers need to be able to do things like:

• talk and listen
• share
• think before acting
• respect boundaries
• recognise other people’s social cues
• take turns
• learn to see other people’s perspectives
• be sensitive to other people’s thoughts, feelings and wellbeing.

Most teenagers need help at times to develop these complex social skills.

For teenagers with ADHD, these skills might need more practice. This is because of challenges they can have with paying attention and controlling impulses and hyperactivity. For example, difficulty with paying attention can mean that teenagers with ADHD seem quiet or uninterested in other people. Or difficulties with concentrating and remembering might mean that teenagers forget to respond to DMs, which might look like they’re not interested in their friends.

Teenagers with ADHD might socialise, interact and do other things differently from neurotypical children. This is part of being neurodivergent. You can encourage people to embrace your child’s neurodivergence and learn how to communicate and build friendships effectively with your child.

Social and emotional skills for friendship

Teenagers with ADHD might need support to learn how to handle the complex emotions and social situations that come with teenage friendships. It’s important to talk with your child about what they find challenging in their social life and what, if anything, they’d like to change.

For example, your child might still be working on recognising and managing strong emotions like joy or excitement when they’re at a party, concert or sporting match. Or they might be working on feelings of humiliation or anger if they feel criticised or rejected by a friend.

It’s good if your child can have a few options for handling strong emotions like these. These options might include going for a walk, doing mindful colouring or breathing slowly. Our calming down steps can help your child learn to calm down by themselves when they need to.

Problem-solving steps can help your child understand and manage challenging social situations like disagreements with friends. For example, your child could brainstorm ways to make things better with their friend.

Preparation and practice can help your child with specific social situations like parties. For your child, this might include:

• going through what to expect in these situations
• planning how to have quiet time in these situations
• practising how to notice social cues or have conversations
• remembering how they’ve handled similar social activities.

Your child could also talk with their psychologist or speech pathologist about helpful ways to manage social situations.

How to find friends for your child

Extracurricular social groups or activities can give your child with ADHD the chance to meet new people, develop a sense of belonging, build friendships with people who share their passions, and grow in confidence.

It’s best to look for groups and activities that:

• are structured
• are led by adults
• have rules and routines
• are interest based.

A team sport, gaming group, martial arts or drama class might suit your child. And it’s good for your child to keep trying until they find a group or activity that suits them.

Online gaming can be a good way for your child to connect with people. It often works well for teenagers with ADHD because the online environment can reduce social demands. You might be able to use parental controls to allow your child to chat or talk with friends but not other people. It’s also important to talk with your child about staying safe online.

How to help your child’s friendships grow

If your child with ADHD has made some new friends, here are ideas that your child can use to help these friendships grow:

• Use strategies to show interest in other people and nurture deeper friendship. For example, your child could set alerts on their phone for their friends’ birthdays, or you could remind them to contact friends regularly.
• Learn to see other people’s perspectives. For example, if your child has a disagreement with a friend, your child could write down what happened or talk it through with you. This can help your child understand how the friend might be feeling, why they might have acted the way they did, and what social cues to watch for in the future.
• Explain to friends how ADHD affects the way they socialise. For example, your child might say, ‘My ADHD means I can be enthusiastic and excited about things. Sometimes I might accidentally talk over you and forget to give you a turn to speak. I do care about what you think. I’m working on being a good listener’.

Some teenagers find it helps to tell friends about their ADHD diagnosis. But others might worry that they’ll be judged or seen as using their diagnosis as an excuse. It’s up to your child to decide if, how and with whom they want to share their diagnosis.

Good relationships with parents help teenagers have positive relationships with peers. By being available, warm and supportive, staying connected and actively listening, you can help your child develop social and friendship skills.