You and your partner

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You and your partner may feel surprised at your new creation and a depth of love that can sneak out and grab you. You may also feel a different level of connection between you.

Most couples experience relationship changes when they become parents – even if they've never experienced any strains before becoming parents.

While you care for your new baby, things that take their toll on your relationship include:

• less sleep
• less time to talk
• less time to spend together.

These changes might mean you disagree more often or things don't quite feel right. Also, you might not have the energy to sort problems out when they arise.

Open communication helps keep things on track and helps you both come to terms with these changes. It can strengthen your relationship with your partner, as well as with friends and relatives.

Relationship tips for parents

Listen to each other

• Good listening is the most important communication skill you have.
• Show you are really listening by stopping what you are doing when your partner wants to talk, and by paying full attention to their words and body language.
• If you are thinking about what to say next, you are not really listening – instead, try to focus your attention on what your partner is saying (maybe jotting a note if you’re afraid you will forget something important).
• Encourage your partner to talk by asking open-ended questions, such as ‘Tell me about … ’, to encourage more discussion about the issue.
• Try to understand the issue from the other person’s point of view. Consider how they feel about the situation.
• Check whether you’ve understood by restating your partner’s comments in your own words. This can help confirm whether you’ve understood your partner’s feelings and point of view.
• Get more tips on listening and why it's important.                          

Tell your partner how you feel

• Talk about your frustrations and fears, your happiness and joys.
• Try to use ‘I’ statements, as these are easier to listen to than ‘you’ statements, which can seem like criticisms. For example, you could say ‘I feel a bit lonely when we spend less time together’ instead of ‘You don’t make any time for us anymore’. 
• Your partner is not a mind reader – it might make it easier for them to know what you're going through.
• It can be hard to slot in discussions between nappy changes – you might find it helps to set aside time to talk. When you are ready, perhaps organise a babysitter and spend an evening together somewhere you both enjoy.
• Read more tips on talking and why it's important.                          

Accept the changes

• You can look at your relationship as being in a new phase, rather than off-track, and you can talk about what the new phase means to you both.
• If you're finding that spending time together is more difficult, try planning time for the two of you.
• Get more tips on accepting each other's viewpoint and why that is important.

Managing conflict

• Differences in opinion will come up as you go through changes – talking about these can help you both try to understand each other's perspective. It’s okay to disagree. 
• It can help to relieve tension if you accept the different points while explaining your own and try to listen to find out what your partner means rather than counter-attacking. 
• Aim for decisions that are okay for both people in the relationship.
• Get more tips on how to manage conflict and why that is important.         

Staying close now you're parents

• Simple things like asking your partner about their day (‘what was good?' 'what wasn’t so good?’) can help you keep in touch.
• Small gestures that show your partner that you care can also do the trick. This might be just a cup of tea or offering your partner a sleep-in when tiredness sets in.

Having a sex life

• Believe it or not, most couples do get their sexual relationship back on track.
• Putting more time into talking and spending time together can make you feel closer, and this helps your sex life.
• If you're feeling too tired or too distracted to even think about sex, try talking to your partner about how you feel. Just like time together, sex might also need a bit of scheduling.

Taking control of your relationship

• Talk honestly about the changes taking place in your lives. This might mean talking about how you feel about your new roles, and what you see these roles as being.
• Having children often brings up issues from your own childhood. Discussing these together helps you both to understand how they might influence what you do and say as a parent.
• If things are getting tough, it might be worth seeking professional help. You can read our tips on getting help, speak with your doctor, or look into your local directory for adult counselling services.

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