Family rules

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Families need some rules. Effective rules are positive statements about how your family wants to look after and treat its members. When rules are stated clearly and unambiguously, they help children learn where the limits are and what is expected of them. An additional benefit is that rules can help adults be consistent in the way they treat children.

It is important to involve children as much as possible in the development of family rules. Children as young as three years can have meaningful discussion with parents about what the rules are and why they are necessary. As children get older they can make more and more of a contribution to what the rules should be and what the consequences for breaking them will be. Involving your children in developing the family rules and the consequences for breaking them helps them to understand and internalise the principles behind the rules.

Many families find it useful to write down a set of rules about how the family members are expected to behave. Having them written down makes them clear and can prevent arguments about what is or is not a rule for the family.

The right number of rules

Having a few clear and specific rules tends to be more effective than long lists of rules. The more rules there are, the harder it is for young children to learn and remember them, and the more work you have to put into teaching and enforcing them.

What to make rules about

Set rules in your family on the ‘bottom line’. That is, choose the most important things to make rules about. Everybody's rules will be different. The rules you decide on will be influenced by your beliefs and values, your situation and your child's maturity and needs. You might develop rules that address safety, manners, politeness, daily routines and how you treat each other. A rule that says you can't physically hurt each other would be a must in most families.

Kinds of rules

Rules come in different shapes and sizes, but all good rules share something in common – they are specific and easy to understand.

• ‘Do’ rules: ‘Walk inside’, ‘Sit down to eat’, ‘Speak in a polite voice’, ‘Wear your seatbelt in the car’ and ‘Be gentle with each other’ are examples of ‘do’ rules. ‘Do’ rules are preferable in most situations because they tell a child what to do rather than just what not do to. A ‘do’ rule is a good teaching tool.
• ‘Don't’ rules: ‘Don't spit’ and 'Don't ask for things in the supermarket’ are examples of ‘don't’ rules. Use 'don't’ rules when it's difficult to say exactly what to do instead. It’s better to have more ‘do’ than ‘don't’ rules.

Rules can also be different in where they are applied:

• Ground rules: are rules that apply everywhere, no matter what. Rules about politeness and not hurting each other would be examples of ground rules. Some ground rules might apply to the whole family, whilst others may just apply to the children.
• Situation rules: it can be helpful at times to have a short set of rules for specific situations. You might develop rules for traveling in the car, visiting another person’s house, using the computer and so on.

How to develop rules

Rules are an adult’s responsibility, but children will appreciate being involved in setting the rules. Taking part in discussions about rules will not prevent them being broken, but it will help the children understand what the rules are and why they are needed. Writing the rules down and posting them somewhere prominent in the house can be a good reminder for everyone.

When you can start making rules

You can start making rules as soon as your child has the language skills to comprehend them. Developing and stating the rules is part of teaching your child what you expect.

However, you can't rely solely on rules to guide a young child's behaviour. Young children forget, are inconsistent in their behaviour and are easily distracted. For example, a preschooler who knows the rule, ‘Stay in the yard’ may completely forget the rule if her ball bounces over the front fence onto the road. Young children will need supervision and support to follow rules. A false sense of security in a rule can have tragic consequences (‘He knows not go near the dam’, ‘She knows not to touch matches’ etc). All children are different, but it's not until middle to later primary school age that you can begin to rely on children to follow verbal rules in most situations consistently in the absence of adult guidance.

Changing the rules

Your family rules will change as your children develop and your situation changes. For example, as children get older, rules about privacy might become more important. Revise your list from time to time to bring the most important rules into the forefront of everyone’s mind. Involve older children in any changes to the rules.

Backing up the rules

Rules are effective only if they are enforced. When you decide on a rule, also decide what will happen if the rule is broken. In the early days, you might simply remind your child of the rule and given them another chance. But ultimately, it will be more effective simply to implement your chosen consequence when a rule is broken.

Starting as early as age three, if children agree to the consequences in advance, they are much more likely to keep a level head when it becomes time to follow through on them.

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