Your child bullying others

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If your child’s behaviour includes pushing other children who might be unable to defend themselves, gossiping maliciously about them or generally making them feel embarrassed and unwanted, it may be time to talk about bullying and how to address it.

• How will I know if my child is bullying?
• I’ve just found out – what can I do?
• What if my child continues to bully?
• How can I stop my child developing this behaviour in the first place?

How will I know if my child is bullying?

If your child is bullying, someone will probably tell you – a teacher, another child’s parents or one of your child’s siblings.

If you suspect that your child is bullying, you could look out for the following signs:

• Your child talks about the other kids at school in an aggressive or negative way.
• Your child has money, toys or other things that don’t belong to her.

Neither of these signs means your child is definitely bullying. But you might want to talk to your child’s teacher to find out if she’s been having any problems.

What does bullying look like?

• Bullying can involve physical violence or it can be psychological. It might involve teasing a victim, or excluding her from a group.
• It can be face-to-face, or it might happen by SMS or instant messaging.
• Overall, bullying behaviour is slightly more likely in boys, and boys are also more likely to be at the receiving end.
• Boys and girls are equally likely to use name-calling when bullying, as it's more difficult for others to pick up on this behaviour than physical aggression.

About half of children who show bullying behaviour are bullied themselves. And some children may not begin a bullying episode, but might either join in later or encourage the bullying – acting this way is also seen as bullying.

I’ve just found out – what can I do?

It’s important to tell your child you think her behaviour is unacceptable and you want it to end.

• Explain to your child what bullying is. Try to be calm about it. Talk with your child about what she’s doing and why she’s doing it.
• Monitor your child’s use of the internet and mobile phones.
• Talk to the school (or organisation where the bullying is happening) about its approach to bullying. Ask what you can do from home to support the approach. Call them back regularly to check how your child’s behaviour is going.
• Some children bully because they have themselves been bullied. Listen to what your child tells you for clues that she may be a victim of bullying.
• Sometimes children join in a group that is bullying to avoid being bullied themselves. If your child is bullying so she can fit in, talk to the school or organisation about strategies your child can learn to resist joining in.

It’s best to do something about bullying sooner rather than later. You can have the most influence on your child’s bullying behaviour while she is still young. The younger she is, the more likely she is to change the way she acts.

What if my child continues to bully?

If it’s not the first time your child has bullied, and you’ve already tried the suggestions above, you may need to take further steps. If the bullying is happening at school or a sports club, working with the organisation will give you the best chance of changing your child’s behaviour.

• The school or club will probably have a policy on bullying, and they will use that to decide the consequences for your child. The most effective thing you can do is support the organisation’s decision.
• You can also set up a ‘behaviour contract’ for your child. The contract is made with you, the school and your child, so she knows you’re all working together to stop the bullying. The contract can include things like what will happen if she bullies and what will happen if she stops bullying. You could also include some things she could do instead of bullying.
• Talk to the school about whether your child needs counselling to help her stop bullying, and whether the school can either offer it or refer you to someone else. Counselling is particularly useful if your child is having trouble with self-esteem, dealing with anger or controlling her impulses.

How can I stop my child developing this behaviour in the first place?

• Preventing bullying is about teaching children how to get on well with others, helping them learn empathy, respect and how to support their friends. With these skills, children are much less likely to bully. Our article on connecting with your school-age child has tips for helping your child develop social skills.
• Building your child’s self-esteem can help. You could let her try lots of different activities, and encourage and support her in any way that she likes – it might be sports, art, music, drama or something entirely different.
• Research has found that children whose parents give them positive attention are less likely to bully. Children who feel unloved or who experience violence in their family are more likely to bully others.
• Using authoritative discipline can help too. This means setting limits and using non-physical discipline if your child doesn’t stick to them. If you want your child to learn how to resolve conflicts without bullying, it’s important that you also learn to manage your own conflicts constructively.

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