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In the deep end without a life raft Expand / Collapse
Posted 28/04/2012 10:45:55 AM
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I have a partner of a mere 4 months, but its one of those "meant to be relationships" where you just mesh from day one and you know "he's the one".

He is separated from his soon to be ex-wife and their divorce papers are due to be lodged within the next month or so.

I made a decision a long time ago that I never wanted children.  I am in my mid-30's and have chosen a career rather than have both a career and a family.  I have nieces and nephews who I love and get along with fabulously.  Other than that, I am quite awkward around children.  I find it hard to communicate with them, I think I am just too used to adults (who, let's face it, can be children sometimes!).

My new partner has a very young son and with that, I have not entered into this relationship lightly.  He is just 2 years old.

I first met his son after just 6 weeks, understandably there was a lot of drama from the ex about that one, about which I was very understanding and it all worked out.  I have only seen his son one other time since then.   Partly because that last time he pushed me away from his Dad.  That broke my heart, not for me, but because I know it must be confusing when he already has a mother and "who's this woman touching my Dad?".   Partly because I feel like I am encroaching on my partner's time with his son, albeit, it is my partner who asks me to come with them.

What I want to know, has anyone else been in my position of not wanting children and all of a sudden here's a ready made one who belongs to a fabulous man!?  How long after you met your partner did you meet his child?  How did it go?  How do I go about engaging and bonding with him?

We've already made plans to move in together and so I know things will be a lot easier the little one will have a home to come to instead of my partner having to take him out for visits (my partner's current living arrangements are not child-friendly).  I think him coming into our home will be much more of a calm experience where he will have his own things and I can engage with him with those.

I feel so at sea with all this.  None of my friends have been in this position and so none of them can offer advice that makes sense.  They have all told me to relax and hang back and not force myself into this situation.  What they don't understand is that it is not me, my partner is the one who have been vocal about moving things along and me coming with him on contact visits.

I hope someone can offer some advice.

Thank you.

Post #67458
Posted 28/04/2012 12:56:16 PM
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To be honest Tigerfly, most people would tell you to run!

Stepfamily life is a tough road for anyone. You will need to do a lot of research and a lot of communicating with your partner on this one. Make sure there are clear boundaries for discipline/consequences/rules/adult time.

What is your partners ex like now? How did your partner deal with her losing her cool about you meeting the son? Is he onthe same page as you as to having no more children?

My now hubby and I both had kids when we met, so we were kind of more on equal footing, but it was still new territory and we had the bonus of two ex's to deal with!

Just have your eyes wide open. Step family life can work, especially if you love each other and communicate really, really well with each other. But it aint no Brady Bunch!!

Post #67459
Posted 1/05/2012 11:21:12 AM
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I agree 100% with Alltogether.

Step-family life is not a bed of roses, it is hard work, but in saying that, it is also very rewarding.

Setting boundaries and rules is a MUST and always keep the communication lines open in both directions.

Remember, never take a silent period from the X for granted, it doesn't take much to set them off especialy when you are influencing their children. When an X gets upset, be prepared for false accusations, police and court applications.

As far as not wanting kids of your own, that is very much a personal choice and not an easy decision to make. I, like you, have made the same choice. I have 1 daughter and 2 step children, my partner and I are in agreeance .."no more kiids" ..  We have been thru the court process (FLC) 3 times as we have 3 X's to deal with.  You are lucky, you only have 1 .. most step families have 2 .. my luck has it, I have 3 ....   incase "We" don't work,  we dont want to put either thru the FLC process, so have decided on the "No more kids" policy.

Re-iteration of what Alltogether wrote ..  "Have your eyes wide open".

Expect a hard and rough road ..but if you believe in neach other and support each other, you will make it ..    God bless & good luck.

Post #67498
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