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Supreme Being
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: 18/04/2013 2:31:46 PM
Posts: 100,
Visits: 1,421
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My 9 year old short term (6 months so far) foster child is refusing contact with his birth mother. His mum is mentally unwell and during contact has been belittling him, overreacting to small issues (a minor tear in a school bag, a grazed elbow, his haircut - or lack of). He has been becoming more and more distressed after each visit. He has had sleep problems, sexually inappropriate behaviours, unusual obsessive behaviours and complete silence and withdrawal.
The final straw came last week when he told me that he no longer wanted to see his mother. I agreed that if he felt that he needed a break that I would help to make this happen for him. I spoke with the appropriate people and they offered a week off and a decrease in contact.
However... He is adamant that he does not want to see her again. I am not sure if I want to participate in forcing him. No, I know I do not want to participate in forcing him. I won't do it.
I spoke with the case worker today. She says she "might try" to come out and talk to him some time next week. If she does it will be the first time since early September. 5 months. I am angry that he matters so little in this system when he is so clearly suffering.
I guess that I need advice. Do I talk him into going to contact? It's inevitable that he will be forced and I want to at least give him the dignity of going without a fight. Or do I stand up for him and make sure he doesn't have to go. Literally block the door and say he's not going?
The really stupid thing is that reunification is still on the cards. Go figure!
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Junior Member
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: 16/05/2013 3:14:16 PM
Posts: 17,
Visits: 153
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Hi Urbanhomestead,
it seems to me that you answered your own question. you are not prepared to force this young fellow to see his mum. he's dead set against it. the caseworker might be able to persuade him to but, truth be told, she can't force him either. in the unlikely event that someone from CS tried to grab any of my foster kids physically and drag them off with me as witness, i'd have them charged with assault. and they'd deserve it. personally i think there are often good reasons for kids to stay in touch with their parents but it's not up to me or you or a caseworker to 'force' a child to see a parent. remember, you can still help him even if you can't be 'the boss' of the final outcome, listen to him and let him know you care, keep passing information on to his caseworker. let the caseworker deal with the situation if they are experienced and committed enough to be trusted. they'll be able to help him work out what his real feelings are. if you think they're bullying him in any way, get onto the casework manager and if she/he doesn't respond/help just keep going higher until your concerns are heard. it's definitely your role to advocate on his behalf.
i know how difficult it isto be close to a child who's feeling so much pain. i wish you all the love and wisdom in the world as you help this young fellow through.
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