Sorry to hear Markus.
I went through a similar thing. My ex was a huge cow did things that weren’t rationale, weren’t smart and things you just shouldn’t do. It was messy. Its been 3 years things are functional now but I still fight with her sometimes and fight with myself. We’ve got a parenting plan now which makes it easier or at least provides us with some rules of war. Sometimes I just had to pick my fights, turn the other cheek and even though at times i wanted to yell, swear and felt like punching something/ someone I just had to take a deep breathe and listen for the message rather than react to the actions (eg. you ignoring me at the door is your way of telling me that you rather I didn’t turn up 5 mins early to drop our son off). At first I felt powerless, weak, impotent to act, hurt, scared, guilty, resentful, every spectrum of emotion. The one thing that helped me most is summarised in 3 words GET LEGAL ADVICE
Following my visit I felt I had options and power and able to get things that I wanted and thought that would be best for my son. It was the second best day of my life and it secretly felt good to have the shoe on the other foot and make my ex jump for me for once. Many things that I knew were stupid I could actually say “no, according to the law, that’s not the best interest of our child”.
Many private firms will give you most of what you need over the phone or phone legal aid and make a phone appointment (you dont need a low income) you just ring up, say you have a family law problem and would like to speak to someone. sometimes they give you generic info over the phone other times you can speak to someone about your specific details.
I spent so long missing out on my son because my ex was dictating to me the terms of visitation. Things changed very quickly once i got advice.
I was told (by my lawyer) that 50/50 was out of the question until school starts, until then i have my son 5 nights a fortnight (friday afternoon until monday morning one week and wednesday afternoon until friday afternoon the next). It sounds like you've been the primary carer which in my opinion puts you in a good position to have your kids majority time (ie 9 nights a fortnight) which it sounds like what you want.
Also while your getting advice about the shared parenting of your kids get it about your divorce one thing to remember is COLLECT ALL PAPERWORK. Be it in the form of her payslips, yours, bills, account transactions EVERYTHING so many stories I hear of people getting screwed over because they don’t have the proof. YOU NEED PROOF. Spend 30mins and $50 at the library photocopier taking copies of everything and store it at a mates house. Even stupid things you think you wont need. TAKE IT ALL. Law requires proof and this paperwork will be the golden egg when it comes to dividing assests etc. DON’T TRUST THAT SHE WILL SHARE IT. Not saying she is evil or devious or anything “its nothing personal just business”. My friend is a solicitor and he says many people spend thousands fighting over little things and it gets nasty very quick. One case in particular both sides (brothers) spent 10k fighting over 8K inheritance or a similar situation in another case fighting over a $1k tea set. In many cases what's right doesn’t always win. That said you need to know what a win is and when to cut your losses.
You may also need to spend some time processing this yourself and your kids too. My personal opinion is I like to stay away from telling them “what might happen” just tell them what will happen “you’ll still see mum and dad, we still love you, we will live in different houses and you guys will come and stay with us both still. Etc etc. ask them what they think might happen, sometimes their ideas can be quite fantastical but none the less legitimate to a 7 and 4 year old. Do your best to allay these fears. Its ok to show your kids you're sad/ angry/ other emotions. This is a learning opportunity for them, showing them how to deal with their emotions now and for the future. You are the captain of the ship if you’re calm they will be calmer, no matter what the storm is. Imagine yourself on a ship seeing the captain either freaking out or being calm in a storm. What would your thoughts be in either situation?
Professional help is another option. Mens line is an option for you 1300 789 978 open 24/7 they have heaps of strategies and info on how to get through time. Also, Lifeline is free instant chat for you or your kids write the number down in case they want to chat later on. And list some other people with them they can talk to friends, a teacher, a guidance counsellor etc. Another in person option is a counsellor which can be expensive if you see your GP and ask for a “better mental health care plan” you can get all if not most of your/ your kids fees bulk billed I think its 5 visits free at first then an option for another 5. A final option is Relationships Australia. They can do family counselling for you and the kids together, or the kids alone sometimes they have specialist kids counsellors. Ring and say you need to speak to a counsellor and ask for a fee reduction form. They will send it to you (or fill it out at your appointment) you can nominate an amount you can afford to pay $0 up to $75. they ask for a reason but the service is government funded so they cant say no to anyone (I know I used to work there). You could write that your saving to buy a prize winning chicken and they would accept it.
It may be a little early but consider some positive changes that might happen. I'm a glass half full guy. Without doubt I would love nothing more than to have my son 24/7 there isn’t much I wouldn’t give for that opportunity. At times though it is nice to have a quiet weekend to get some other stuff done without having to fight him for the hose or wash the dirt off him J.
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