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Forum Newbie
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: 28/06/2009 12:25:17 PM
Posts: 1,
Visits: 7
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Hi guys! My names Rhett, and I'm a new forum user! Me and my partner are 19 years old I recently became engaged, and my Uni-going fiancee has expressed her desire to start a family immediately prior to, if not before finishing Uni While we're both kid-mad and I love the idea, I do have a few concerns maybe you Dads can enlighten me on: She wants to be a stay-at-home, something I think is good, but this means I'll have to forgo any aspirations of further study and keep on working I am concerned she's going to throw away the five years spent studying (requiring me to stop my own study prematurely to support her) This'll mean me having to climb up the corporate ladder to spport everybody (I'm a High School graduate working IT Support at about 40kpa. I don't think I can get too far up the ladder sadly) and I'm worried I might not be able to support ourselves on one pay, let alone the addition of children I'm wondering if you've ever felt like, while children would be *wonderful* they're forcing you to do other things that you're not sure you can do, and know you won't enjoy? [Both my parents, thanks to small business delegation were able to both be stay at homes and I would feel guilty and depressed leaving them five days a week] Also your honest emotional response to being Mr Provider? I feel rather daunted and scared, like it'll be too much weight on my shoulders And that I'd miss out on too much Kid-Time in the process What about jealousy? I'd never admit it to her but I've been supporting her since we moved in together (going on two years) and I feel like thats not going to end for decades (She's never worked more than one-day-a-week in her life) and the pure lack of any full-time work, leaving it all to me, and spending all the time with the kids in the process would make me a tad jealous The thing that got me was... I'll not be able to pick up my kids from school if they're sick, or to be in our house at 10am on a weekday, ever I had hoped to study Primary Education and become a teacher... Are these thoughts/feelings/concerns normal? Care to share some experience/insight? Thanks muchly Rhett
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Supreme Being
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: 11/01/2012 9:32:46 PM
Posts: 975,
Visits: 5,007
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| Hi Rhett, I'm not a father but a mother of a 16mth old boy. I hope you don't mind if I share my thoughts. I think you need to sit down and have a good chat with your fiance and share your concerns. You are both still very young and have plenty of time to make babies. If you both decide to make a family soon I would suggest that she find a full time job before falling pregnant so you guys can save, save, save until the bub comes along. You might feel that this take some pressure off you. Another 'tactic' would be to tell her that you really want to finish your uni course so that you are able to better support your family. You could still suggest she gets a job in the meantime so you guys can start saving. Good Luck
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Supreme Being
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: 4/03/2010 11:40:20 AM
Posts: 500,
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| It sounds like you just need to sit down and talk to her about it all. There are reasons for and against starting a family early but the decision affects both the mother and father and should not be a desision you make lightly. The worst thing would be for you to end up resenting the child and your wife if you feel like you missed your chance to do more study. There is no reason however you cant have both, if your living a simple life, renting withing your means ect then you could work full time and still do some study via distence education and your partner could maybe just work one or two days a week and still be there for the baby. The other option is holding off study for a few years, you dont have to be in your teens or early 20's to go to uni, I am 26 and have just started uni and have a toddler that I care for full time. Just take your time to decide whats right for you both, there is no hurry.
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Supreme Being
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: 2/01/2012 10:35:47 PM
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Sorry I'm not a Dad, but everything you have said has been expressed by my partner and he's a 39yr old professional who earns a very good salary. That said I was also earning a lot of money, working killer hours and studying full-time, before our baby was born. I still work from home (in my previous professional role) and study while being a stay-at-home mum. Despite all this my partner still feels some jealousy about the extra time I get with our son, something I totally understand. He also feels pressure about being the primary breadwinner, which is why I work part-time, and he sometimes feels that his choices are restricted due to our baby... and yet he loves being a Dad.
I have two concerns:
1. You are right to want to spend time with your kids and to have a career that is both personally and financially rewarding. At 19 you are not asking too much. It is possible to study part-time and externally but with a baby it'll be very tough and will mean you spend even less time with your child.
2. I worry that if your partner has never worked full-time but wants kids quickly, might be a bit afraid of the workforce and is having kids to avoid full-time work. I have a friend who was like this and kept studying and studying just to avoid work. Being a mum is a full-time really tough job, I think your partner might need to experience a bit of the world before committing her life to raising kids.
That said, plenty of people have very successfully done what you and your partner are contemplating. You can be wonderful parents without money or fancy jobs, but the number one reason for divorce is financial stress and if you can choose a path that is less stressful then I personally would.
Apologies if I've been a bit too honest.
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Supreme Being
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: 5/10/2011 8:26:40 PM
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Hi..i'm mum to 20 month old ryan and my piece of advice would be all comes with organisation and planning. If you fel you are financially secure and ready to shoulder the responsibility of being a parent, go for it..but arm yourself with lots of knowlege and courage... Loving a kid and parenting a kid is different.go ahead and let us know how you come out of it...
*****Han-Mum of 3years Ryan and 4month old Dylan*****
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