Your relationship with your school-age child: what to expect

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School-age thinking and emotions

Starting school brings new social challenges, demands and opportunities. At the same time, your child’s brain is still developing rapidly, bringing increased emotional maturity, social skills and thinking abilities.

Children in the early years of school often have a charming ‘in-awe-of-the-world’ attitude. The major preoccupations of this age are birthday parties, teachers, learning new things, and getting along with friends.

Yet if all has gone well in early childhood, a child entering school will also have a healthy attachment with a parent – or both people in couple-led families. They ususally have a good understanding of emotions and how to express them.

With your child determined not to be confused for a baby, you might notice that your once-welcomed goodbye kiss is publicly shunned in favour of a more independent wave goodbye. This doesn’t mean that your child loves you any less.

Finding a sense of self

Between the ages of five and eight, school-age children:

• gain a sense of self by finding people they want to be like (these are sometimes known as role models)
• look to older relatives, family friends, teachers and peers, usually of the same sex, to see what it’s like to be a man or a woman in society
• use role models to make decisions about what they want to be.

Between ages seven and eight, children:

• become more aware of having a private self
• recognise their emotions and thoughts as being uniquely theirs
• compare themselves with their peers.

After the age of eight, friends of their own age become more influential.

Learning about social relationships

Children this age want to feel like part of the wider world, and being accepted by their peers is a huge part of this.

Children will work hard at maintaining their position in a group. They might also feel concerned with what their social group thinks of them and can worry that nobody likes them.

Social learning at this stage helps children get along with the same sex and be included:

• For most boys, peer acceptance often comes through participation in sport.
• For most girls, peer accepance comes through association with a social group.

Learning about rules

One of the main interests of both boys and girls during this time is learning about the rules of life.

Through games and sport, children learn that rules apply differently in different situations. For instance, some rules or behaviour acceptable at home might be inappropriate when visiting friends. At this age, children come to understand and accept the rules of the family and of society. They might feel guilty when they do the wrong things.

As they get older, they also learn to keep secrets and learn that some things are best not mentioned at family barbeques!

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