Your relationship with your school-age child: what to expect

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• School-age children are often concerned with finding a place in the wider social world.
• Improved learning powers and a better understanding of emotions means they are more emotionally self-contained.
• School-age children work hard at finding peer acceptance.
• Learning the rules of life comes through playing games and understanding family values.

Starting school brings new social challenges, demands and opportunities. At the same time, your child’s brain is still developing rapidly, bringing increased emotional maturity, social skills and thinking abilities.

Children in the early years of school often have a charming ‘in-awe-of-the-world’ attitude. The major preoccupations of this age are birthday parties, teachers, learning new things, getting along with friends and – thanks to specially-timed advertisements during children’s hour – a deep interest in fast-food restaurants.

Yet if all has gone well in early childhood, a child entering school will also have a healthy attachment with a parent – or both people in couple-led families – and a good understanding of emotions and how to express them. As they get older, they also learn to keep secrets and learn that some things are best not mentioned at family barbeques.

Between ages seven and eight, your child will become more aware of having a private self. At this stage children recognise their emotions and thoughts as being uniquely theirs and can compare themselves with their peers. Children this age want to feel like part of the wider world, and being accepted by their peers is a huge part of this. They will work hard at maintaining their position in a group. They may also feel concerned with what their social group thinks of them and may worry that nobody likes them. Social learning at this stage helps children get along with the same sex and be included. Your child may be very different, but for most boys peer acceptance often comes through participation in sport, while for girls it comes through association with a social group.

With your child determined not to be confused for a baby, you may notice that your once-welcomed goodbye kiss is publicly shunned in favour of a more independent wave goodbye. This doesn’t mean that your child loves you any less; in fact, school-age children still generally feel very positive about their parents and like to please.

One of the main interests of both boys and girls during this time is learning about the rules of life. Through games and sport, children learn that rules apply differently in different situations. For instance, some rules or behaviour acceptable at home may be inappropriate when visiting friends. At this age, children come to understand and accept the rules of the family and of society and may feel guilty when they do the wrong things.

Between the ages of five and eight, school-age children also gain a sense of self by finding people they want to be like (these are sometimes known as role models). Older relatives, family friends, teachers and peers, usually of the same sex, show children what it is like to be a man or a woman in society, and influence children’s decisions about what they want to be. After the age of eight, friends of their own age become more influential.

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