Toddler behaviour: in a nutshell

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Your toddler has a lovely surprise in store for you. When you ask him to do something, he might actually do it! By this age, many children start to control their urges, change their behaviour and do as mum or dad asks. Not all the time, of course.

The name for this wonderful ability is self-regulation. It is one of life’s most important milestones.

Tips for toddler behaviour

Here are a few tips to get you started on bringing out the best in your toddler.

• Toddlers are naturally curious about their world. They learn by testing and experimenting with everything around them. Constantly telling your toddler ‘no’ can pour cold water on this natural curiosity. You might want to try some other ways to change behaviour you don’t like.
• Allow exploring. Try to create situations where your child can explore life without lots of ‘don’ts’ and ‘nos’. For example, if you don’t want him to blow bubbles in his milk at lunch, maybe suggest he can go outside later and blow bubbles in water. Put your favourite things out of reach so you don’t have to tell your child not to touch them.
• Let's make a trade. For example, if your child is sucking on your favourite scarf, replace it with a less precious but equally tasty item (see our tips on how to use distraction).
• Offer two choices. Most children like to have some control over their world. By offering your child two choices (either of which you’re happy with), you can guide her to the result you want. So, if you think she needs to do a wee, you could say, ‘Would you like to go on the potty or the toilet now?’
• Change the environment. For example, when your child wants to ‘help’ in the kitchen, move him away from the hot oven. Give him a wooden spoon and a pot to bang instead.
• Show your child how you feel. If she happens to pull your hair, pull a sad face and say ‘ouch’. If she keeps doing it, stop looking at her and withdraw a little. Using ‘I’ statements helps. For example, ‘I don’t like it when you pull my hair’. This will help her start to develop empathy – the ability to see her feelings in you, and understand how you might be feeling.
• Avoid rewarding bad behaviour. Your attention is a powerful reward for your child. Avoid giving it when your child is doing something you don’t like. Putting your child down (if you are holding him) or walking away from him are good ways of not giving attention. You can use these strategies if your toddler keeps doing something you don’t like after you have asked him to stop.
• Explain the consequences of your child’s behaviour so she can figure out why something is wrong. This helps give her a better understanding of the world around her.
• Manage transitions carefully. At this age, children can find it hard to change from one activity to another. Some extra time, sensitivity and planning can help.

Discipline

The word ‘discipline’ actually means ‘to teach’ and not necessarily to punish. If you use the strategies above, you will probably never need to punish your child in the old-fashioned sense. You can also read some more practical advice about discipline.

Smacking doesn’t change children’s behaviour in a good way. It might stop their behaviour momentarily, while they try to figure you out. But they will soon become confused when they copy your behaviour and get in trouble for it – for example, if they hit another child. Also, smacking doesn’t give children the opportunity to learn about consequences or solve their own problems.

Instead, smacking can make children fearful, insecure and resentful. Hear what other parents think about physical punishment in our film clip on smacking.

Some parents might hit their child because they are trying to relieve their own tension or stress in a situation. For more help with managing stress and angry feelings, try reading Feeling stressed and When you feel you might hurt your child.

When to say ‘no’

Often, children behave ‘badly’ because they know it will get attention. For children of all ages, negative attention is better than no attention at all. So paying too much attention to bad behaviour actually encourages it.

Rather than saying ‘no’ all the time, talk to your toddler about the right things to do, and good ways to behave. Also talk about the consequences he can expect if he behaves in unacceptable ways.

If your toddler is aware of the ‘right’ behaviour, she will only respect you if you follow through with a matter-of-fact consequence that you have agreed on. If she is not aware, then a firm ‘No’ or ‘Stop that now’ is something your toddler should understand.

So try to say ‘no’ only when it really counts or in dangerous situations. Your child might be walking and talking now. He might have stopped in his tracks the last time you said ‘No’. This doesn’t mean he’ll stop every time. So make sure you have a firm but comfortable grip on his hand when crossing the road, or in other potentially dangerous situations.

If you ever become concerned or very frustrated by your toddler's behaviour, seek professional advice.

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  Newsletter snippet: Toddler behaviour: in a nutshell
  

   

  By Raising Children Network

  Toddlers are beginning to learn self-control and follow directions. This is one of life’s most important milestones.
  
  Tips for good behaviour

  • Toddlers are naturally curious, so try to avoid saying ‘no’ all the time.
  • Allow your toddler to explore the world safely.
  • Use distraction or guidance to direct your toddler’s behaviour.
  • Give your toddler some control by offering choices.
  • Explain why some behaviour is wrong.
  • Avoid paying too much attention to ‘bad’ behaviour.

  Discipline

  • Set up logical consequences for behaviour you wish to discourage.
  • Smacking is not an effective or acceptable punishment for a child, no matter what age.
  • Seek advice if you become very frustrated by your toddler’s behaviour.

  This article is an extract only. For more information, visit  raisingchildren.net.au/behaviour/toddlers_behaviour.html.

  Sourced from the Raising Children Network's comprehensive and quality-assured Australian parenting website www.raisingchildren.net.au.