Talking about school

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Many parents have a hard time accepting that their school-age children live much of their lives in a world that’s very different from home, a world in which parents are tolerated as visitors, but don’t really belong.

Many children feel that their school experiences are their private possessions to share or not, as the mood strikes them. Parents, on the other hand, often assume that they have a right to know. The upshot of these very different perspectives is a sort of cat-and-mouse game – the parent probes, the child evades, the parent asks again, the child evades again, and so on. Usually, it is the parent who gives up first.

This problem, like a lot of child-rearing dilemmas, grows out of the age-old tension between the need for parents and children to feel connected at the same time the children take on greater and greater independence. There is no easy solution. But some approaches are bound to work better than others.

Tips for talking about school

To come up with some concrete advice, I thought of all the things I’ve told parents over the years. Then I asked my sixth-grader for a reality check. Her reply, predictably enough, was, ‘Don’t ask’. But after a bit of discussion, she did agree to most of the following:

• Create a family ritual in which everyone shares something about their day at dinner (an approach that once again serves to emphasise the benefits of sitting down for family meals whenever you can). Start by talking about something funny, maddening or meaningful in your day. Make sure that everyone has a chance to talk, but also has the option of ‘passing’ if they don’t feel like contributing.
• Rather than posing a general question, ask about a specific event or class. For example, ‘How was the big assembly?’ or ‘What did your class do in sports today?’ Try to phrase your questions to invite answers that are longer than ‘yes’, ’no’ or ‘OK’. Questions that begin with ‘What did you do in ...’ are often better for this purpose than ones that start ‘How was ...’ or ‘Did you ...’
• When your child does respond, try to give your child your full attention. Let him know that you’re listening by asking clarification questions, such as ‘Let me make sure I understand. Some other kids were throwing food in the cafeteria, but the teacher yelled at everyone?’ Practise listening without making judgments (‘You probably all deserved it!’) or scolding (‘How many times have I told you never to throw food?!’).
• If something bad happened – a fight with a classmate or a falling out with a teacher, for example – give your child the benefit of the doubt. Start with the assumption that your child acted correctly, rather than the other way around. It’s much better to ask, ‘Tell me what happened?’ than to accusingly demand, ‘What did you do?’
• Don’t jump in with your questions first thing after school. Instead, do something fun together and wait for your child to bring up whatever’s on her mind naturally. Good choices for fun include reading a great story aloud or to each other, throwing a ball back and forth, making biscuits, or even watching TV together.
• Keep open channels of communication with your children’s teachers. Teachers who know that you are interested and friendly are usually glad to keep you abreast of what’s going on. You also can grease the wheels of communication by offering to help out in the classroom or on excursions from time to time or providing snacks for a school event.
• Respect your child’s privacy, but let your child know that you are open whenever he feels like sharing his thoughts. The older your child is, the more important this principle is.

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