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Systematic ignoring

By Raising Children Network
 
 
Just ignore her! How many times have you heard that? Parents are often advised to ignore their children’s misbehaviour – yet it’s not always as easy or straightforward as it sounds.
 

Systematic ignoring is deliberately withholding your attention from a child while she engages in a specific difficult behaviour. It means not looking at her, and not talking to her, while she behaves in that particular way. This does not mean of course that attention is withdrawn at other times. Basically what is involved is that you pay lots of attention to your child when she is behaving well, but you do not pay any attention to her when the specific difficult behaviour occurs.

The strategy is based on the fact that attention from another person can be a powerful motivator of human behaviour. Because the need for social contact and connection is built into humans, behaviour that attracts attention is more likely to occur again in the future.

Attention from a parent is a particularly powerful reward for children because of the strong attachment and bond that exists between children and parents. Parental attention is such a powerful reward that it sometimes makes little difference what kind of attention it is. From a child’s point of view, negative attention is better than no attention at all. Negative forms of attention such as scolding, yelling or even smacking can be rewarding to a child.

The other side of the coin is that your attention can be used to encourage acceptable behaviour. By systematically paying and withholding attention, you can help shape your child’s behaviour.

What happens when you ignore a behaviour?

In a few words, it usually gets worse before it gets better. Consider the following example. A man has a faulty television. He taps the box and the picture comes good. A little later the picture flickers and disappears again. He taps the box again, but this time the picture does not return. What does he do? He taps again, and again, perhaps getting harder and more persistent, until eventually he stops when the television is clearly not going to work again. We tend to stick with our previously successful behaviour, just persisting for harder or longer until we give up and look for another way of handling the situation.

Like the man’s behaviour toward the television, a child’s behaviour that has become well established tends to become more frequent and intense when the reward is removed. Tantrums can get louder and longer, and whining more persistent if the attention that was once rewarding it is suddenly removed. We will come back to this point, because it’s an important consideration when deciding whether or not to ignore behaviour.

Why use systematic ignoring?

Every day, all day, your child is learning how to attract your attention. You might as well use your attention to help her develop behaviour you believe is important for her to learn and that is consistent with your values as a family. It costs nothing, and involves relatively little effort on your part.

How to use systematic ignoring

Here are some tips for successfully using systematic ignoring:

  • When you ignore, it is important to completely ignore. Do not look at your child or say anything while the behaviour is occurring. Subtle glances, smiles or even frowns can be rewarding. Saying, ‘I am ignoring you!’ is no longer ignoring. Where it’s safe and practical, walk away from your child while she is behaving badly.
  • Start ignoring when the behaviour starts, and stop ignoring when the behaviour has been stopped for a while.
  • If ignoring a behaviour is going to be difficult for you, plan some ways of distracting yourself, or keeping yourself busy while you ignore. Some simple exercises to help you feel in control and stay calm may also help.
  • Systematicallypay attention to the behaviour you want to see instead of the behaviour you are ignoring; this makes systematic ignoring far more effective.


Does it help to tell my child that I am going to ignore the behaviour? 
When you ignore your child's behaviour you send a signal that you will not respond while she continues to behave in a particular way. For example, ‘I will not answer you while you continue to speak like that’. This may be appropriate in some circumstances. You just need to weigh up the usefulness of telling your child which behaviour is being ignored (so she understands) with the possibility that even that level of attention may be rewarding.

For minor behaviours, you might choose not to say anything at all. Another option is to explain to your child once that you will not respond when she behaves in a particular way, then ignore it from then on whenever it happens, without saying anything further.

Before you use systematic ignoring

Ignoring is not always the best option for dealing with behaviour you wish to discourage. Before deciding to ignore behaviour, ask yourself:

  • Is this behaviour rewarded by your attention? This is something you need to be fairly sure of before you start. If the behaviour is being rewarded by someone else’s attention – for example, siblings or friends – then it won’t make any difference if you ignore it.
  • Should you ignore the behaviour? Some behaviours may be rewarded by your attention, but you may not be able or willing to ignore them. Behaviour that is dangerous to your child, hurts others or damages property cannot be ignored (e.g. biting, hitting, pulling on the curtains, throwing things). Sometimes behaviour may be simply too disruptive or loud to be able to ignore.
  • Can you ignore the behaviour if it gets worse? There is a big trap to avoid here. If you start ignoring the behaviour, then your resolve breaks and you pay attention when it gets worse, you run the risk of rewarding the worse behaviour and making it more likely that it will occur at this worse level when it occurs again. If you feel that you cannot  ignore the behaviour if it gets worse, it’s better not to try in the first place.
  • Can you ignore the behaviour wherever it occurs? If you ignore the behaviour in one place but not another, you just get more of the behaviour in the place you don’t want it.
  • Can you ignore the behaviour whenever it occurs? This is crucial. If you ignore sometimes and not at other times, you run the risk of making the behaviour even harder to change. When a reward is valuable but unpredictable, human beings tend to try harder and more persistently to obtain it. Occasionally rewarding your child’s behaviour strengthens the behaviour even more than if the behaviour is rewarded every time it occurs.
  • Will others ignore the behaviour? If you have managed to successfully ignore a behaviour, but your partner, friend or relative suddenly comes in and pays attention, your good work will become undone. Get agreement in your household about what behaviour you will ignore. Sometimes others will find it difficult to understand your use of systematic ignoring and may not be able to do it; it’s better not to use ignoring in these settings.

Behaviours to ignore

Temper tantrums, stomping, making silly noises, whining, arguing, swearing – these are all behaviours that you might ignore. What you eventually choose to ignore will depend greatly on the behaviour itself (minor problem behaviours) and your own frustration tolerance. Nevertheless, systematic ignoring is a great tool to have in your parenting tool box.

 
 
 
  • Last reviewed16-10-2006