Raising Children Network: the Australian parenting website
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Swearing

By Child and Youth Health
 
 

Parents' values
Why young children swear 
What you can do for young children 
Older children swearing

Many parents have times when they are worried or frustrated by their children swearing. There are many different reasons why children use language that their parents do not approve of, and parents can have different opinions about what they think is a problem and what is not.

Parents’ values

Before dealing with a child's swearing, both parents need to talk about their own values about swearing, what they think is OK and what they think is not OK.

In some families one parent swears and the other does not, or one parent disapproves of swearing while the other does not – this gives mixed messages to the children.

Some families think it is OK for adults to swear but not for children – this too gives mixed messages to the children.

Families have different words that they disapprove of – some families do not mind any swear words except those that refer to sex; other families do not accept swearing about their religion or God.

Why young children swear

Babies and toddlers learn the words they use from the people around them, especially parents, and they also learn the feelings about words from these people. You teach them the feelings about words by how you look and act when you say them, and how you look and act when your children say them.

So if parents always say a particular word when they are angry, their toddler is likely to say the same word when angry, without any knowledge of what it might mean.

If you laugh or even try to hide a smile when your toddler first says a ‘naughty’ word he is likely to pick up your feelings and say it again, as young children want to please their parents more than anything else.

On the other hand if you react with anger when your toddler says a swear word he may use it again when he is upset with you in some way and wants you to know about it.

Young children enjoy using words, learning new words and playing with words that they feel are exciting, secret or special. Three- and four-year-olds may have great fun calling someone else a ‘toilet’ or a ‘bottom’ because they have learned that there is something interesting about the words.

What you can do for young children

The first thing is for parents to decide what words they don't want their children to say and to avoid saying those words themselves.

Then if your child picks up a swear word from someone else, try to be matter-of-fact and discourage him from thinking it is either funny or especially interesting. You might say firmly something like, ‘We don't use that word and I don't want to hear it again’, and then ignore it; do not respond if your child tries it out on you again.

If children are having fun with a swear word you could offer an alternative suggestion. If they are calling out a word you don't like, you could make up a fun word and suggest they try that instead. For example, you could say, ‘I know a better word than that, what about saying hoop-de-doodle or snuggle-wuggle’, or any other interesting sounding word you can think up – it can be anything you like.

If your children say a swear word when they are angry or distressed, you can show them how to say what they really mean; for example, ‘I can see you feel really cross/upset/ disappointed ... ’ rather than make a big fuss about the word.

Older children swearing

For older children, who understand that they should not swear but do it anyway, it is the same as any other kind of misbehaviour. Older children swear because they are upset or unhappy, because they haven't realised that it is a word they should not use, or because they feel that they need to swear to impress their friends or peer group. Sometimes children swear because it is part of the language of their school yard and they don't realise it is not OK unless someone explains to them why they should not do it.

Teaching time
If you think that your child does not know the meaning of the words he is using, you could explain what they mean and how they may affect other people, especially if the words are racist or sexist or hurtful to people with disabilities.

You could explain that using any words that hurt other people's feelings are not helpful and won't help people to like him even if they laugh at the time.

Swearing is not a sign of being smart, it is more likely to be a sign that the person doesn't know a better word to use.

You could together think up some words to use in the situations where he might be tempted to swear – words to express anger or frustration (even made-up words). You could even invent a game where you both think of clever words to use.

Sexual words
For sexual words you could give a short explanation. For example, say something like, ‘That word means to have sexual intercourse. Some people think it is clever to use it as a swear word because they may not know that sex is a natural part of life and not ‘dirty’ or secret or unpleasant’.

Talk about words that are OK for expressing feelings and words that are not OK.

Make sure that your child feels able to talk to you about sex as a natural part of life.

For older children
For older children, as for adults, swearing is often a sign of anger, rather than just wanting to make an impact on others. If this is so, it is important to try to find the cause of the anger and help your child deal with this.

If your child continues to swear a lot (and adults in the family don't swear) you may need to talk with him about why he does it. Make sure that you have your talk when you are both feeling relaxed – not in the heat of the moment when it sounds like a criticism. If your child's swearing is about being part of his peer group you could talk about whether this is the real reason why children like each other. You could ask your child to think about reasons why he likes other children. This kind of open-ended questioning and discussion will give him lots of opportunity to talk and give you time to listen and respond carefully to his feelings.

If this does not help and you cannot find any underlying problem or stress you may need to offer extra support - you can explain to your child that if he is unable to be boss of his language you will have to help him; for example, he will not be able to go out the next time he wants to, in case the swear words creep out. If you use a consequence like this you need to make it short and give your child another chance to try again very soon.

Always remember to help your child deal with any underlying stresses or worries.