Staying positive: things to try

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Children's self-image grows mainly out of interactions they have with the people they are closest to. When you give loving attention, warmth and care to your child, you help her build a picture of herself as a valued person.

Many parents today are very busy people. There are so many responsibilities to juggle, which can sometimes get in the way of doing what is best for a child. Here are some ideas to help develop your child's positive self-image.

• Building relationships
• Being in the moment
• Overcoming barriers to positive attention
• Conclusion

Building relationships

• Most of the moments we spend with our children are just everyday occurrences. Take advantage of any opportunity, however small, to show that you value and appreciate your child.
• The concept of quality time is often promoted as an essential factor in building a relationship. Quality time can happen anytime and anywhere, in the middle of ordinary days and situations. A shared laugh when you are bathing your toddler, the discovery of the first spring flower in the garden with your six-year-old or a good conversation in the car with your eight-year-old — these can all be quality time. Just listen closely to your child or stop what you're doing to pay full attention to her.
• Remind yourself sometimes to just have fun and be in the present moment. Focus on your child, even if it's for a very short time.
• Communication is not just words — it also includes body language and facial expressions. You can communicate powerful positive messages with your smiles, your laughter, your looks, your hugs and your gentle touches.

Family management
Strong family relationships are also helped by looking at how your family members interact on a day-to-day basis. See our Family Management section for tips and ideas. 

• Plan some one-to-one time on a regular basis with each of your children. Some children are quieter and don't demand as much attention as others. They may get left out. On a busy work day, one-to-one time with a child may be brief, but over a week try to have some longer interactions.
• Set aside one-to-one time with your partner. Investing in a strong, loving relationship with your partner is also investing in your relationship with your child. It can take effort but it's well worth it. If you are a single parent, why not set aside time with an extended family member or a close friend? Maintaining your relationships with adults will help you feel supported.
• Think about ways to organise the household routine so it's less stressful. Simple changes such as an ongoing shopping list may reduce stress because you won't have to rush off unexpectedly to the supermarket to get milk just when you get home.
• When children are old enough, give them some household responsibilities. No matter how small the task, let them know that they are making a valuable contribution to the family's wellbeing. Even very young children like the feeling of belonging that comes from making a contribution. 

Being in the moment

Being in the moment means trying to tune in and think about what is going on with your child. It's about paying attention and being present. Sometimes it's simply showing acceptance, letting your child be and not giving directions all the time. It's good to give your child the opportunity to take the lead, to have input, to make suggestions or ask questions.

When you are really in the moment, you respond to your child in ways that are not impulsive or based on habit. Your child can tell when you're not really paying attention — when you're giving those mindless 'mmmm' responses to what she's saying. These kinds of distracted interactions are inevitable sometimes, but they shouldn't be your main form of communication. 

Overcoming barriers to positive attention

Many things can get in the way of giving warm attention to your child. Acknowledging these is the first step towards dealing constructively with them.

• It's hard to give your child the attention she needs if your own health and wellbeing are suffering. Look after yourself. That's easier said than done sometimes, but it's not selfish. You need time for yourself to have the energy to pay attention to your child. 
• If there are problems at work, consider ideas such as changing your work hours.
• When you feel overwhelmed by negative emotions such as anger, impatience, annoyance or irritability, stop and take a deep breath. Think about what really matters — try not to act on the emotion. You might have to walk away — sometimes emotionally, sometimes literally — to regain control before you react.
• There will be times when you are worried about work, people or other issues in your life. Remember that your child is not responsible for these worries. We all find ourselves occasionally taking out our frustrations on someone who has nothing to do with what's upsetting us. Children won't understand that your bad mood has nothing to do with them — they are more likely to think it's their fault.
• Empathy helps. Put yourself in your child's shoes. How does this situation feel to her? What messages is she getting about how much you love her? How much of what is going on can she understand? Might she be getting the wrong messages?
• If your child is old enough to understand, be honest with her about what is bothering you. Let her know that you are aware that you aren't 'being there' for her. Paying warm attention does not mean never letting your child see you sad, angry or upset.
• When you are angry or annoyed with something your child has done, try to show that you are angry and annoyed with the child's behaviour, not the child herself, and that you still love and value her.

Conclusion

Keep in mind that your family is unique. There is no formula or one best way or right way to create a strong relationship with your child. Each family has to figure it out for themselves. There will inevitably be times when you don't do what you would like to do or know you should do for your child. Keep things in perspective. Strong families with close loving relationships can withstand conflicts and difficult times. Keep in mind the importance of giving warm loving attention to children and the joy and satisfaction of being part of a family.

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