School-age connecting and communicating: in a nutshell

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Love is what we all want most of the time, often without even realising it. Young children want love even more and, by connecting with them, we show them how much we love them.

Your child’s communication skills seem to have changed overnight. She understands more about how you feel and can hold a conversation about something outside her usual interests. Spending time talking together improves your bond, builds self-esteem and teaches her to think about the world around her.

How to communicate with your school-age child

Your child spends six hours a day at school. But when you ask, ‘What did you do at school today’, the answer is often, ‘Nothing’. Rest assured that they did do something. It’s just that your school-age child may need your encouragement to talk about her day. She also needs to know that you are really listening.

Positive communication isn't just about saying ‘nice’ things or sharing good news. It's about being able to talk about all kinds of feelings, even about anger, embarrassment, sadness or fear. It also means really listening when someone wants to tell you that kind of stuff.

• Really tune in to what your child is trying to say. Notice the emotions behind the words.
• Make regular time to communicate with her in your own special way. Even two minutes every half hour makes a difference.
• When she comes to you, try to drop everything to talk. She may only need your undivided attention for five minutes.
• Look her in the eye. This helps you avoid conflict and tune in to what she might be feeling or thinking so she is less likely to feel exasperated. To help her maintain eye contact without getting distracted, you can gently hold her face and focus your eyes on her in a way that is engaging, rather than intimidating. At her age, some children are uncomfortable making eye contact. If so, you can check that she is listening to you by getting her to repeat what you just said.
• Active listening helps children cope with their young emotions. They tend to get frustrated a lot, especially if they can’t express themselves as well as they would like. When you repeat back to them what you think they are feeling, it helps to relieve some of their tension and makes them feel respected and comforted. It can diffuse many potential temper tantrums. When you have listened to her, ask if she wants your advice before jumping in with a solution to her problem.
• Try to let her finish her sentences before interrupting, no matter how meandering they might be.
• Read to her and tell stories. Picture books help children learn about language.
• Always be honest. Children are brighter than many of us think. When we lie to them, we lose their trust.
• Ask open-ended questions to encourage your child to talk more about things.
• Don’t criticise her if she uses the wrong words. The idea is to allow her to feel free to express herself. If she is always criticised for the way she speaks, she may just clam up.
• Try to catch the first seed of a potential conversation. Sometimes a passing comment (‘the teacher said something strange today’) can open up into an important conversation about something that is puzzling or worrying your child.
• Become an effective communicator by talking and listening in a positive way.
• Have some fun

Understanding rules

During the first few years of school, children can be preoccupied with learning rules. Playing games with rules help children understand what is ‘right’ and ‘wrong’.

To teach your child about rules and values, you can explain why some things are considered right and others wrong. You can talk simply about what is not tolerated in society. Encourage empathy by asking your child to put herself in someone else’s position. How would she feel then? You could talk to her about your family’s values and why you have them.

Did I just say that?

We all have times when we can’t believe what we just said to our child. Most parents have blurted out something like, ‘You'll never learn!’ or ‘Stop crying now, just stop it!’ Then we wonder how these things come out of our mouths. Often the best way to deal with it is to admit you're wrong and apologise to make you both feel better.

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  By Raising Children Network

  Your little one has started school but her family is still the biggest influence in her life. A loving environment is perfect for learning and growing.
  
  School-age children sometimes need your encouragement to talk about their day. They also need to know that you are really listening, especially when there are difficult things to share. You can help your school-age child communicate by:

  • tuning in to what your child is trying to say
  • giving your child your undivided attention
  • maintaining eye contact
  • relieving any frustration by repeating what you think they are trying to say
  • trying not to interrupt
  • being honest
  • asking open questions
  • avoiding being critical if your child uses the wrong words
  • tuning in to any passing comment that may give a clue to what is worrying your child.

  This article is an extract only. For more information, visit raisingchildren.net.au/connecting__communicating/school_age_connecting.html.

  Sourced from the Raising Children Network's comprehensive and quality-assured Australian parenting website www.raisingchildren.net.au.