School-age behaviour: in a nutshell

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The first term of big school is a challenge for you and your child. You have a new morning routine and the clock is ticking. You may be trying to find a rhythm that will get you out the door in time, especially if you have just started back at work and also need to get ready in the morning rush. The best way to deal with this stressful new ritual is to have a plan – and stick to it.

At this age, children are still trying to learn the everyday things that we take for granted, like how we talk to each other. You might think she is not listening to you but maybe she is still trying to figure out what someone said five minutes ago. In trying to understand the world around them, we have to forgive them for being a bit distracted. A good rule is to always budget for another half-hour when doing things with your school-age child.

Tips for school-age behaviour

See our 15 tips for encouraging good behaviour. Here are some extra things to keep in mind in relation to your child’s behaviour:

• Let her try. Your child can manage her feelings with some independence. If upset, she might go to another room to calm down. She may try negotiating to resolve a conflict. Try to avoid jumping in to solve your child’s problem every time. Give her the chance to solve it first.
• Solve it together. Your child is now at an age where you can try to resolve conflicts together. So, instead of automatically saying, ‘Go to your room!’, you can discuss what behaviour you both want, and see if you can come to a win-win solution. She will probably buy into the solution because she helped work it out. So you may say, ‘When we eat dinner, I want you to sit in your chair for 15 minutes so we can talk. What do you want to do?’ If she wants to leave the table and play, you can decide together that she can sit for the 15 minutes and then go to play. Once you come up with an agreement, stick to it.
• Show her how you feel. If you can tell her honestly how her behaviour affects you, she recognises her own emotions in yours, like a mirror, and is able to feel for you (see Empathy in the Toddler section). So you might say, ‘When there is so much noise, I can’t talk on the phone’. When you start the sentence with ‘I’, it gives your child the chance to change things for your sake.
• Listening. It still helps to get down on her level if it's something really important. To check if she is listening, ask her to repeat what you said.
• Agree in advance on the consequences. Your child can help set the consequences for undesirable behaviour or, at least, agree to what you set. It is amazing how much easier it is when they know what to expect because they have already agreed. Sometimes you won’t have to set a consequence at all – allowing her to experience the natural consequences of her own behaviour, like feeling a little cold for refusing to put on her coat, will help her begin to develop responsibility. 
• Sibling rivalry. Some conflict is normal between children in families. Arguing fairly and without hurting each other helps children learn how to sort out issues themselves. You may need to step in when tempers are frayed, things are getting out of control or someone is being hurt.

For more on encouraging good behaviour and discouraging unacceptable behaviour, explore our behaviour toolkit. 

School mornings

How things go at home in the morning can set the tone for the day. Children who arrive at school calm, relaxed, fed and ready can make the most of the first few hours of the day (also the best learning time).

• Getting up an extra 15-30 minutes earlier might help things run more smoothly.
• Mornings are easier if your child can do things for herself. Prepare a list of things she can do to help. She may be slow and make mistakes at first but will get the hang of it with practice. Once she is really good at it, it will be one less thing you have to do.
• TV can distract children from getting ready (and they can't hear you) so consider leaving it off.

Solving school problems

Talk to your child’s teacher if you want to know anything at all about your child’s school day. Seek the teacher out and talk about any concerns, or organise a meeting to discuss issues in more detail.

What to do about bullying

The most important message you can send your bullied child is ‘You do not have to deal with bullying alone’. Talk to the school or community group and make sure it stops. It is important that your child knows that speaking out against bullies and getting help is not dobbing – it is an act of bravery. You can also support your child by listening and helping her develop strategies for coping with negative behaviour from peers.

Discipline

The word discipline actually means ‘to teach’ and not necessarily to punish. The true goal is to teach children the rules of behaviour so that they can use them. Children learn self-discipline by growing up in a loving family, with fair and predictable rules and expectations. Punishment may even interfere with their development of self-discipline.

Physical punishment does not help children learn proper behaviour. It doesn’t give them the opportunity to learn how to solve their own problems. Instead, it can make them fearful, insecure and resentful. Some parents may hit their child because they are trying to relieve their own tension or stress in a situation. Children learn from example, and hitting teaches them to get what they want by hitting. For more help with managing stress and angry feelings, try reading Feeling stressed and When you feel you might hurt your child

If you have concerns about your child’s behaviour, seek professional help.

For more tips on guiding your child’s behaviour, see Practical advice about discipline

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  Newsletter snippet: School-age behaviour: in a nutshell
  

   

  By Raising Children Network

  Now that your child is going to school, there’s a new morning routine to your day. Your child is still learning things we take for granted, and the new challenge of school can make things difficult for her and distract her. Budget an extra half hour for anything you’re planning to do with your school-age child.
  
  Behaviour tips

  • Give your child a chance to solve things herself.
  • When you can’t agree, try to work out a solution together. Talk things over.
  • When her behaviour upsets you, talk to her about your feelings. She’s just starting to learn empathy.
  • Decide together what the consequences will be if your child misbehaves.
  • Expect some arguments with siblings, and don’t step in unless things get out of control.
  • Get up earlier for school, and have a list of things your child can do to help get ready.
  • Talk regularly with your child’s teacher about how school is going.
  • If bullying is an issue, it’s important to let your child know that she doesn't have to deal with the problem alone.

  This article is an extract only. For more information, visit raisingchildren.net.au/behaviour/school_age_behaviour.html.

  Sourced from the Raising Children Network's comprehensive and quality-assured Australian parenting website www.raisingchildren.net.au.