What to expect from preschooler friendships (3-5 years)

By 3 years

Around this age, many children regularly do activities with other children – for example, at child care, preschool or playgroup.

Some children have a clear idea of who their friends are and can name them. They might look for their friends when they arrive at preschool or playgroup and play just with them. They might even want to have playdates with friends.

Other children might not have friends they can name, but they might be keen on making friends.

By 4 years

Most children will be able to tell the difference between ‘my friend’ and other children they know.

Some kids seem to make friends easily and get energy from being around a lot of other children. Others might be slower to warm up or might be happy with 1-2 friends. When you understand your child’s temperament, you can help them build friendships in a way that suits their strengths and needs.

Friendship skills for preschoolers and activities to develop them

Children need plenty of opportunities to learn and practise friendship skills. Below are key friendship skills for preschoolers, plus ideas and activities to help your child develop them.

Talking and listening

Talking and listening are important skills for friendship. That’s because good friends listen and show interest in what others are saying.

These ideas and activities can help your child learn and practise these skills:

• Use family meals to model talking and listening and encourage your child to practise.
• Try out talking and listening activities with your child.
• Play a car copilot game to encourage longer conversations.
• Chat about the natural world on a noticing nature walk.

Sharing

Learning to share can help preschoolers play cooperatively and get along with other children. But sharing isn’t always easy for preschoolers.

These ideas and activities can help your child learn about sharing:

• Prepare and share food in the kitchen together.
• Suggest a game of dress-ups with a box of clothes and props for your child and friends to share.
• Encourage your child and friends to share materials while finger painting or playing with playdough.

Taking turns

Taking turns is an important social skill. When preschoolers wait for their turn, they’re learning how to get along well with others.

These turn-taking ideas and activities can help your child practise:

• Play ‘I spy’ with your child.
• Get your child and friends started on a funny folded drawing activity.
• Make up a story together using our roll-a-story guide.

Cooperating

Preschooler friendship is all about learning to cooperate. For example, when children decide to play in the home corner, they must decide what to do – not everyone can be mum! And if they all want to be mum or they have different ideas about what mums do, they have to work it out.

These ideas and activities are great for helping your child learn about teamwork:

• Do a collaborative drawing – with you or with friends.
• Work together on a family story book.
• Get into the kitchen together with these easy cooking activities.

Seeing other people’s points of view

When preschoolers start to see other people’s points of view, they also start to understand how other people might think and feel. This can help them respond to friends with care and empathy.

These ideas and activities can build your child’s empathy:

• Read! Reading is one of the best ways to learn about other people’s thoughts and feelings.
• Try a mirroring game to encourage your child to pay close attention to another person.
• Play with puppets together – this is a great way for your child to explore strong emotions.

Coping with winning and losing

Learning to cope with winning and losing can help children enjoy games and encourage them to keep playing together. Family games are a good way for your child to learn and practise this skill. You can show your child how to say friendly things like ‘Congratulations – well done!’ or ‘Great game – thanks for playing’.

You can build gentle competition into these games to help your child learn and practise:

• Memory game
• Guess the animal game
• Treasure hunt activities.

Remember – role-modelling is one of the most powerful ways to help your child learn any skill. This means letting your child see you using skills. And praising your child will encourage your child to keep using their skills.

How to help preschoolers make friends by playing with others

Giving your child the chance to play with other children from preschool or playgroup can help your child develop friendships.

How to set up a successful playdate for preschoolers

• Talk with your child about who they play with, why they like playing with them and what they like to play.
• Talk to other parents about having playdates at your home or somewhere else that gives the children plenty of space and things to play with.
• Start with playdates with 1-2 friends rather than a lot of children. This can work well if your child is slow to warm up.
• Set a time limit. When children get tired, they often find it harder to cooperate. It’s good to finish play time with everyone wanting to do it again.

How to help preschoolers get along on a playdate

• Put your child’s special toys away when friends come over. This can stop arguments from starting.
• Give your child and their friends different options for play. For example, ‘Would you like to play with blocks or cars?’
• Praise the children when they decide on something together. For example, ‘I love the way you worked that out together’.
• Stay close. This can be reassuring for your child, particularly if the children don’t know each other well. As your child gets more confident you can move further away.
• Keep an eye on what’s going on. This will help you know whether children are just enjoying some rough-and-tumble play or whether the play is getting out of hand.
• Step in if things are getting too rough.

What to do when things go wrong with preschooler friendships

There’ll be times when play between preschool friends doesn’t work out the way you planned.

Children behaving aggressively

An occasional disagreement with a friend is natural. But if name-calling or aggression starts, here’s what to do:

• Step in and guide the children’s behaviour.
• Be clear about what needs to stop and why.

For example, ‘Please stop pushing each other. You’re both getting hurt’.

Playing solo

Playing solo is usually nothing to worry about. Preschoolers sometimes play together, and sometimes they play alongside each other or on their own.

Talk to your child and watch their play to work out what’s going on. If your child seems unsure of how to join in play, is consistently left out by other children, or often doesn’t want to play with others, there are things you can do to help:

• Encourage your child to watch what others are doing so they can work out how to join in. For example, ‘What’s Bella doing with that food? Is she setting up a restaurant? Do you think it might need a cook?’
• Talk about ways your child could start play and invite others to join. For example, ‘Can you help me dig a hole in the sand? Can you see if anyone else will help us make it deep?’

‘You’re not my friend!’

Preschoolers are learning what’s OK in friendships and social groups. So some preschoolers might tell other children they can’t join in ‘their’ group or say things like ‘You’re not my friend’. They might also make bargains or threats about friendship. For example, ‘If you don’t invite me to your party, I won’t be your friend’.

Some children might be hurt by this kind of behaviour, and others seem able to shake it off. Often children sort things out and are ‘friends’ again minutes later.

These ideas can help:

• Quietly monitor preschooler friendship issues, rather than trying to fix things straight away. But you or your child’s preschool teacher needs to step in if you think that preschool bullying is happening.
• Explain to your child that everyone feels lonely sometimes, and most people don’t get along with everyone they meet.
• Arrange playdates with other children from preschool. This might help your child feel more confident about playing with everyone there.

And if you think your child is excluding their friends, here’s what to do:

• Talk to them about it away from their friends. They’ll be more likely to listen if they don’t feel embarrassed.
• Explain how this behaviour might make the other child feel, and help your child think of a different way to handle the situation.
• Give your child other ideas for handling the situation.

If your child talks about persistent problems playing with friends at preschool, or problems with particular children, it’s a good idea to talk to your child’s preschool teachers. The teachers can keep an eye on what’s happening and follow up with conversations, stories or activities.