Positive attention and your child

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As they navigate the demands of a daily routine, parents are constantly supervising, organising, protecting and teaching their children. Research has shown that our everyday interactions with our children and the impressions they leave have an enormous impact.

The focus, tone and style of what parents say and do in these moments really matter to children. And as Toni Morrison, the well-known novelist, points out below, actions that can seem caring and attentive to you can come across quite differently to your child.

• Children are soaking it all in
• What messages are they getting?
• A positive self-image
• Learning begins right from birth
• What it all means for parents
• What if you are having trouble being positive?
• Summary

Children are soaking it all in

Babies come into the world fully equipped to relate and learn from others. Right from the beginning, children are paying attention to what you say and do, and perhaps even more so, how you say and do it.

Newborns, for example, are very interested in looking at faces or pictures of faces, and seem to prefer human faces over others.

Long before babies can understand and use words, they are sensitive to your tone of voice, gesture, facial expression and body language. They are also aware of differences in facial expressions.

Adult body language and facial expressions continue to matter a lot, even after children understand what is said to them.

What messages are they getting?

Strong evidence tells us that newborns, babies and children benefit from warm and caring attention from the important people in their lives. These benefits begin early and take several forms.

Your words and actions combine to give your child important messages about himself and his world.

You can show delight and warmth through smiling; paying attention; making eye contact; and being physically gentle and caring. Words can be used to celebrate and encourage.

So, if you smile at your child, look at him, show interest in him, pay attention and engage in positive ways,he gets the message that he is special and important.

On the other hand, if you’re correcting him almost always, or you seem unhappy, angry or distracted when around him, he is likely to get a different message — that he is not capable, valued or worth more attention.

Children’s feelings of security and safety come from their interactions with parents and other adults who care for them. When your child is frightened, uncertain or faced with a new or unfamiliar situation, he will look to you for reassurance and support to feel safe and secure.

In some extreme cases, where parents are regularly distracted or unavailable to focus on their babies’ needs, babies can become distressed. Research has shown that if this happens over a period of time beginning at infancy, babies as young as six months may show signs of stress.

A positive self-image

Children learn about themselves and the world through their interactions and relationships with people. A child’s self-image (or self-concept) is built over time with messages from the important people in his life.

As your child begins to understand language, words can convey these messages, but reactions and non-verbal behaviour give powerful messages too. This is true throughout life, not just in childhood.

A healthy self-image is very important, not only for a child’s relationship with others but also for his confidence as a learner. 

Learning begins right from birth

Being there in the moment and responding positively can make a difference to your baby right from birth. They are ready to relate, communicate and learn from everything and everybody around them. The more you respond and initiate communication with your baby, the more they benefit. That’s why it’s a good idea to connect and communicate with your child from the beginning.

You can respond to your newborn’s efforts to communicate by:

• comforting them when they cry
• smiling back when they smile
• responding to the sounds they make by saying something sensible (even when you’re not sure of what they are trying to communicate!).

What it all means for parents

• Bathing, nappy changing, feeding and dressing might seem like mundane everyday activities that have to be endured, but the activities of daily child care provide important opportunities to meaningfully connect with your child.
• Try to be conscious of how your child might interpret the look on your face or tone in your voice.
• Before you correct your child, ask yourself: Does it really matter? Is it really important or could I just let it go?
• Whenever you can, put aside preoccupations and planning, get into the moment with your child, and actively seek to connect with him. Look at him, smile, show interest in him, pay attention and engage in positive ways with him. These kinds of interactions don’t have to take up a lot of time to make a real difference.

What if you are having trouble being positive?

It’s not realistic or even normal to be positive all the time. Children are quite capable of coping when their parents are occasionally insensitive, unavailable or distracted.

When most, or even many, daily interactions are negative and distressing, or a parent is finding it hard to feel or act positively, this is frequently a sign of stressed parenting. If you find yourself in this situation, it is worth seeking professional help and advice.

Summary

Research tells us how important the early years are for children’s learning. This learning sets them on a path for life. It is critical that they have the kinds of experiences and relationships that help them to see themselves as valued, capable human beings who bring pleasure to others. From the moment a child is born, positive reactions and responses from key adults help a child build a picture of how valued he is — and that makes a world of difference.

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