Raising Children Network: the Australian parenting website
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Parenting with a mental illness

By Raising Children Network
 
 
Around one in five adults has a mental health problem, and recent studies say parents are more likely to suffer than most. Depression, anxiety and stress are the most common problems, and many parents are reluctant to get help. Read about one parent with a mental illness, and about the challenges facing mentally ill parents all over Australia.

Profile 
At a glance 
The challenges 
For further help

Profile

Shona is a 38-year-old mother raising two children: Janey 8 and Andrew 11. She suffers from bipolar disorder. 

Shona
‘I have bipolar disorder. I’ve had it since my teens but I wasn’t diagnosed until after I’d had Janey. At first they thought it was just post-baby blues and I was given antidepressants. But when I got worse on the medication, the doctors investigated further and I was found to have bipolar and borderline personality disorder.

‘I split from the kids’ father at the end of 2000. He claimed I was an unfit mother but eventually custody worked out at 50/50. For the last 18 months things have been getting so much better than they were. Before that I was in and out of psychiatric hospitals and I overdosed and went into a coma for six weeks.  It took me six months to walk again, I nearly died and I had to have heart surgery. Sometime after that I realised how lucky I am with friends and family and how much I love my kids. But it’s still very hard.

‘My kids are amazing. The episodes when I’m high are particularly hard on them because I become irrational and they become frightened. When you are high you think you are capable of anything – stopping a bus, swinging off exit signs – only to forget about it the next day. I’ve been known to wake them up in the middle of the night to bake a cake. They adapt, but they get frightened because they don’t know how I’m going to react. They are scared I’ll get mad if they break a glass or ask me to do something for them. That’s the thing about bipolar, you can be very impulsive and your judgement is impaired. When I’m down they are able to read me better.

‘But they learn how to cope. One night when I was really low and tired, Andrew said ‘C’mon Janey, let’s go make sandwiches cos Mum needs us to help tonight’. They have a special understanding. Because I get so low in energy, self-care is important. I have to make sure I don’t do too much and just spend time on my own and take time out.

‘I am frightened that I’ll lose custody next time I lose it. But the thing is, I don’t know what difficulties I experience are due to my narrowed parenting capabilities because of bipolar and what are due to being a single parent. Surviving financially is the worst. But there is hope. I know I’ll never be cured but with the support I’m getting from services and friends and family, I have the tools to make my life worthwhile and a good future for the kids.’

At a glance

  • Approximately one in five adults has a mental health problem. 
  • From the age of 35, women are more likely to have mental health problems than men.
  • Around 30-35% of people using mental health services have dependent children. 
  • Parents in lower socioeconomic groups are more likely to suffer from a mental illness.
  • Those with a mental illness are at a higher risk for substance abuse and other health problems, particularly those in the lower socioeconomic groups. 
  • Around 1.1 million people in Australia live with depression. 
  • Around one in five people will experience depression at least once in their lifetime. More of these will be women than men.

The challenges

Mental illness and parents
With nearly one in five people experiencing a mental illness at some time in their life, there is a big chance many of these will be parents. Some of these illnesses will only be short term, such as being depressed for a period of time following the loss of someone close, or periods of anxiety and high stress when life is particularly difficult. Long term mental illness includes such conditions as:

  • chronic depression: an overwhelming feeling of sadness and an inability to see the positive things in life
  • bipolar disorder: a condition where a person swings between feeling like they have superhuman powers and being depressed
  • schizophrenia: a breakdown in the brain’s function between thinking, acting and feeling; this can make a person think they are seeing and hearing things and cause them to withdraw socially 
  • obsessive compulsive disorder: conditions where the person has uncontrolled obsessive thoughts that cause them to repeat unnecessary actions  
  • chronic anxiety: a continuing feeling of being nervous, fearful and or excessively worried about events. 

Having a mental illness can make parents feel very alone. When a parent is struggling with the relationships within a family, the sense of social isolation can make things even harder. Parents with mental illness may worry about losing custody of their children or feel guilty about not being able to perform as a parent in the way they want to. But it isn't all bad: with support and education, parents with mental illness can parent just as well as anyone.

Day-to-day difficulties
Having a mental illness can be hard work and parents with a mental illness can have a difficult time caring for children and providing them with a stable and predictable environment. Sometimes sticking to a regular routine or getting through the simplest day-to-day chores such as shopping and cooking can seem impossible. Often holding down a job is out of the question. Within the family unit, a parent may find it hard to set limits and boundaries for their children as their own judgement can often be influenced by stress or confusion.

In these situations, children often care for themselves more than they would in other situations, such as doing cooking, cleaning and shopping if there isn’t enough family support. Parents with a mental illness may be unable to keep their children safe in these situations as they mightn’t understand the risks their children are exposed to.

Children and emotions
More severe mental illnesses can have severe symptoms such as seeing things that aren’t really there, hearing sounds and voices and thinking that people or things are ‘out to get them’. When this happens to parents, it can very confusing and frightening for children who can’t understand their parent's behaviour. Children can blame themselves and think it is their fault. They can also feel very frustrated and angry that their parent is behaving in such a way.

All the things described above can affect a child’s development. The worse a mental illness is, the higher the risk to the child. Not only do parents need to be able to provide their child with food, clothing and shelter, but also teach their child about social skills, problem-solving skills, appropriate behaviour and emotional control. If a parent is struggling with these things themselves, they won't be able to be a very good role model for their child.

For further help

The lack of services for people with mental illness is one of the biggest challenges facing developed countries today. Parents with a mental illness may not get the help they need because their particular conditon may not have enough support services or treatment programs specific to their needs. Also, parents may not seek help because they might feel ashamed or embarrassed about their mental illness.

If you are a parent with a mental illness and you need some support or worry that your child is being disadvantaged by your illness, it is important that you try and get help. This is especially important if you feel as though you are becoming violent or losing control, need to spend time in hospital, or are finding it difficult to cope financially.

If you know someone with a mental illness, understand that your support is very important to them. Ways you can help include:

  • caring for the children during tough times
  • talking to the children about their fears and confusion related to their parent’s illness
  • helping parents to work out a network of people and emergency numbers they can contact if they feel afraid or alone.

Mental illnesses can be treated in a number of ways – through drug therapy, counselling and psychiatric services or a combination of these.  A number of organisations across Australia can put you in touch with services that can help with your problems.

  • Beyond Blue: information about and assistance with depression
  • SANE: information about and assistance with mental illness
  • KidsLine: phone and online counselling for kids who need help
  • Reach Out: an online service to help young people through tough times
  • COMIC: provides a resource kit to help parents with mental illness care for their children
  • COPMI: tips on dealing with mental illness in the family, from other families with mental illness
 
  • Last reviewed15-05-2006
  • References

    Ackerson, B.J. (2003). Coping with the dual demands of severe mental illness and parenting: The parents’ perspective. Families in Society: The Journal of Contemporary Human Services, 84(1), 109 – 118.

    Centre of Community Child Health (2004). Parenting information project, Vol 2: Literature review. Department of Family and Community Services.

    Crnic, K., & Low, C. (2002). Everyday stresses and parenting. In M.H Bornstein (ed), The handbook of parenting, vol 5, 243 – 268.

    Lovejoy, M.C., Graczyk, P.A., O’Hare, E., & Neuman, G. (2000). Maternal depression and parenting behaviour: A Meta-analytic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 20,(5), 561 – 592.

    Mowbray, C., Schwartz, S., Bybee, D., Spang, J., Rueda-Riedle, A., & Oyserman, D. (2000). Mothers with a mental illness: Stressors and resources for parenting and living. Families in Society: The Journal of Contemporary Human Services, 81(2), 118 – 129.