Parenting in a same-sex relationship

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At a glance
The challenges
For further help

Profile

Kelly and Marie Anne have two children, Isabella aged 6 and Massimo 4, and live in Mullumbimby, New South Wales.

Kelly
‘We were in a relationship for several years and we both decided we wanted to have children. We weren’t that fussed about who had the children, it just so happened that I was considerably older and we felt that Marie Anne’s family had to be eased into the situation.  We’ve had two children, one each, to the same sperm donor. But we don’t make biological distinctions – they are both our kids and we’re both their mummies. They know whose tummy they came out of and that Dave is their donor Dad and they have an older sister Ruby, but other than that, in their family they have two mummies.

‘Once the babies came along, it changed things with our families considerably. Grandparents want interaction with their grandchildren and our relationships were greatly improved with Marie Anne’s family. Her background is non-Anglo and they are strict Catholics. It took a long time for them to warm to our relationship, but the kids really helped. My family still experiences a level of fear. They still have a fair way to go, but they’re doing their best. After all, there are so many diverse family structures nowadays, ours is just one.

‘The children have contact with their Dad, he’s in Melbourne with Ruby. In the future we might move back to Melbourne or they may want to spend more time with their extended family. The situation is open and we’re just going to leave it up to them when they are older.

‘One of the biggest challenges we face is the lack of legal recognition of a same-sex relationship. Things like being on the same Medicare card, small things that people take for granted. If we could legally recognise our relationship and therefore our children within that relationship, then things would be much simpler. But we are currently not allowed to do that in NSW.

‘The other thing is the way people view same-sex families. We live in a small country town - homophobia is the same everywhere, people find difference a challenge. But we do an enormous amount for the schools and we are very involved in the community. I think this is helpful for the community - they know we are a two mummy family and the children are very open about that. People soon realise we are just a pretty average family – what makes us special is not our family structure, but just us!’

At a glance

• In 2001, 37 800 people were in same-sex de facto relationships.
• 11% of same sex couples have a child living with them.
• In 1996, more than a fifth of female same-sex couples had children.
• Research shows no differences in the outcomes for children of heterosexual parents and same-sex parents.

The challenges

When is comes to parenting, the challenges are the same whether you are same-sex parents or not. Having said this, there may be additional challenges for same-sex parents. Same sex-parents can face problems to do with being accepted and supported within society. However, this is improving as same-sex parented families become more visible as part of today's wider variety of family structures.

Fears and concerns
As a parent whose children were born in previous heterosexual relationships, you might worry about losing custody of your children; or fear that courts will favour heterosexual parents. If you have children through donor insemination, you might have to consider additional issues, such as your children perhaps wondering about who their donor father is.

Children growing up in same-sex parented families may be concerned about what others might say about their family, and may feel different from their peers who have a mum and a dad living in the same household. Same-sex parents may also be concerend with how their children will be affected by growing up in a household of same-sex parents. Parents may feel that there is a lack of support and acceptance for their family form and their role as parents.

Prejudice
Perhaps one of the biggest challenges facing same-sex couples is prejudice, whether it's on a personal level or an institutional level (such as a lack of support groups, services or legislation).

The non-biological parent might not get ebough recognition for being the ‘other parent’. Children may be singled out by other kids, or teachers might be insensitive to their situation; prejudice may be expressed by blaming the children's same-sex parents.

Meeting the challenges
Same-parent families encounter challenges similar to other families. For example, same-sex couples with children from one partner’s previous marriage have a lot of the same problems as step-parents in heterosexual relationships, as well as some very different ones.

If you are in a same-sex relationship you might worry that your children will be bullied or teased for being different from other families. You can help your children by pointing out the things that you think are special or positive aspects of your family arrangement. You can also talk to them about discrimination, and help them think about why people tease or bully.

You can help your child’s school or community understand more by:

•  suggesting children’s books that deal with the issues for the school library 
•  talking to your child’s teacher so they can help to educate other children about your family structure
•  if you think your child is being bullied
•  starting a support network in your local community.

Being part of a support group with your children can help them to feel part of a larger social network and they can develop bonds with other children of same-sex relationships. Being part of a wider gay community can help children feel they fit in somewhere, even if they are having problems at school.

For further help

• Maybe Baby Melbourne: a support group and chat site based in Melbourne, Victoria, for gay men and women considering parenthood
• Prospective Lesbian Parents: a Victorian-based site with information for lesbians who want children, lists of resources and links to helpful organisations in other states across Australia

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