Managing conflict

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• Conflict is a natural part of relationships as we explore and test different ideas and approaches together.
• The key is in how we handle conflict (as it naturally increases when facing the challenges of parenting). 
• Thinking about how you manage conflict is important for the health and happiness of your children.

Conflict between adults can be distressing and harmful for children. It all depends on the level and frequency of the conflict, and the way it’s resolved. The more parents argue, the more it affects children. Managing conflict is not only important for your children – it’s important for your relationship and the happiness of the entire family.

Healthy conflict can teach children skills that they need for later in life. Occasional arguments are unlikely to cause lasting harm. In fact, seeing parents work together to resolve issues teaches children valuable skills.

Children are not born knowing how to handle conflict. By working together to resolve differences, parents show children how to negotiate and solve problems effectively. This also teaches children that difference and conflict are a part of life.

It can also be reassuring when parents show optimism that a problem will be worked out, as can simple explanations of how they have resolved a disagreement.

Unhealthy conflict, however, affects children badly, whether parents are together or separated. Even when there is no arguing, any frosty silences, discord, anger or unspoken hostility can cause distress.

The difficulty comes when parents fight a lot and do not resolve their differences.

Severe and frequent conflict can lead to a higher risk of emotional, behavioural and social problems. Children are more likely to be disobedient and to experience problems such as depression, aggression, or poor performance at school.

Conflict can be particularly harmful if it involves abuse, threats or disputes about a child in front of the child. Physical violence makes things even worse. Children who grow up seeing physical violence are more likely to experience personal and social problems as adults.

How are children affected by parental conflict?

Some children cope better with conflict than others. Factors such as temperament and age make a difference. So too does the type and frequency of conflict.

Younger children are more likely to show that they are upset. Throwing tantrums, or becoming more difficult to manage, might be signs of stress. Older children might experience social problems such as depression and negative self-esteem.

Some research suggests that gender plays a part in how children cope with conflict. Boys are more likely to feel threatened by their parents’ arguments, and to respond by acting up, or becoming disobedient or aggressive. Girls tend to blame themselves and become withdrawn.

Tips for managing conflict

Getting help

Find out how you and your partner can get extra support when you need it.

If you are in a relationship that involves violence, seek professional help and do whatever is necessary to ensure the safety of you and your children.

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