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Talking to each other

Parent teamwork skills: making parenting easier

By Parenting Research Centre
 
 
’Talking keeps you and your partner close and can strengthen your long-term relationship. When you do it constructively and positively, it’s also one of the best ways of sorting out the conflicts that can sometimes come with raising children.
Mum and dad discussing an issue
 

Why talking is important

Talking is a major part of resolving problems or conflict. What you say, and how you say it, influences how well you’re understood. It also affects how others respond to you.

Talking with your partner and family about everyday things – like what you’re doing, what they’re doing, how you feel, how they feel – is one of the main ways that families and relationships connect.

The basics

What we say and do can be especially important in resolving sensitive or controversial issues. If you have to raise an issue, the keys to constructive communication and positive talking are: 

  • sharing thoughts and feelings rather than blame
  • putting forward suggestions or requests rather than giving commands
  • opening topics with positive feedback
  • thinking about when it’s a good time to raise a topic – maybe after the immediate issue is over, and not at stressful times like dinnertime and bedtime
  • postponing the discussion until later if things get heated, and agreeing on a better time to talk. 

Tips for talking

If your partner raises something with you, try to listen and address the issue. Admit fault if it’s relevant, and be willing to give and take to move towards a solution. Also, try not to use the occasion as an opportunity to bring up your own problems. If you have problems (even related ones), bring them up with your partner at another time, maybe right after the current conversation.

IdeasHow to do it
Be politeYou might be surprised at how often the basics of politeness can slip in long-term relationships. Words like ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ can help a lot.
Give your partner positivesEveryone likes to feel appreciated. Look for opportunities to give your partner positive feedback. If your partner is used to receiving praise and encouragement from you, it will make it easier to listen when you have to raise a problem.
Weigh it up before bringing it up

Ask yourself if an issue is really that important before raising it with your partner. Can you let it go?

Hold back on hurtful words or words that will start an argument
  • Avoid name-calling or negative references (‘You’re stupid’), bringing up the past (‘This is just like last time’), questioning your partner’s intentions or motivation (‘You just don’t care’), or making unfavourable comparisons (‘You’re just like your mother!’).
  • Watch out for words or phrases that imply that your partner is always wrong or not trying – your partner is bound to disagree. Phrases to avoid include ‘You always ...’ and ‘You never ...’.
  • Try to describe what’s causing concern and leave out why you think it’s happening. For example, you could say, ‘You never help me. You’re so lazy and inconsiderate – you just sit down and watch TV while I have to get the dinner ready and look after the children’. But it might be better to say, ‘I’d find it easier to get dinner if the kids were kept busy. Would you be able to spend some time with them?’
Be brief
  • Long-winded explanations can sound like a lecture and can be a barrier to good understanding.
  • Think about what’s most important for your partner to hear, then try to describe it in as few words as possible.
  • Stay focused on the topic, rather than sidetracking the conversation by raising other issues or concerns.
  • Concentrate on solving the problem, rather than working out who’s to blame for the problem.
Be responsible for how you feel
  • Avoid statements that start with ‘you’. These can sound like an attack and make your partner feel defensive.
  • Describe what you want, using a statement that starts with ‘I’ rather than focusing on what your partner is or isn’t doing.
  • Share your feelings about a situation and briefly describe what the problem is from your point of view. For example, you could say, ‘You’re an inconsiderate loud mouth’. But it might be better to say, ‘I feel embarrassed when you say things like that in front of our friends’.
  • Offer suggestions or examples rather than telling your partner what to do.
  • Use tentative words such as ‘might’, ‘could be’ and ‘I wonder if’. Most people are more open to being given options than being told what to do. For example, you could say, ‘You always yell at the kids, and yelling at Lucy to clean her teeth gets nowhere and I have to come and take over'. But it might be better to say, ‘Lucy doesn’t like cleaning her teeth and I know it's very frustrating. I've found cleaning my teeth with her helps. Do you think it could be worth a try?’
After you and your partner have made a decision on an issue, it’s a good idea to talk about it again after a while, to make sure that your plan is working. If not, be prepared to sit down and make some changes together.

Getting help

If you are having trouble getting these suggestions to work for you, couple counselling can help.

If you’re in a relationship that involves violence, seek support and do whatever is necessary to ensure the safety of you and your children.

 
 
 
  • Last updated25-10-2011
  • Last reviewed01-09-2011
  • AcknowledgementsThe Parents and Teamwork series was produced with support from the Victorian Government Department of Human Services. © Copyright Victorian Government Department of Human Services 2005
References
  • Fowers, B.J. (2001). The limits of a technical concept of a good marriage: Exploring the role of virtue in communication skills. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 27(3), 327-340.

    Gottman, J.M., Markman, H.J., & Notarius, C.I. (1976). A couple’s guide to communication. Champaign, IL: Research Press.

    Halford, W.K. (2001). Brief therapy for couples. New York: Guilford Press.

    Jacobson, N.S., & Christensen, A. (1996). Acceptance and change in couple therapy: A therapist’s guide to transforming relationships. New York: W.W. Norton & Company Inc.

    Markie-Dadds, C., Turner, K., & Sanders, M.R. (1998). Every parent’s supplementary workbook. Milton, QLD: Triple P International.