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Solving problems together

Parent teamwork skills: making parenting easier

By Parenting Research Centre
 
 
Problem-solving is a way of finding new and creative solutions in situations where you’re stuck, going round in circles, or can’t work through your issues.
Adult couple talking
 

As parents, the way you manage any problems or fighting in your relationship can protect your children from the downsides of conflict. The way you work through problems can also teach your children important skills for life. And when you find solutions together, you help the whole family have more fun.

Before you start problem-solving

It can help to set up rules for handling any conflict in your relationship. These can help you avoid the most common mistakes couples make in disagreements:

  • trying to force the other person to change
  • blaming each other for problems
  • giving in and accepting a situation that one partner isn’t happy with
  • avoiding the issue altogether.

The following suggestions might guide you in setting up some rules for handling conflict together:

  • Agree that either person can raise a problem for discussion at any time.
  • Either person can say ‘no’ if they don’t want to talk about it right then, but schedule another time to discuss it (no more than one day after it’s first brought up).
  • If the discussion is getting heated, either person can call for a ‘break’ to calm down.
  • Agree to raise problems at a good time and place. For example, do it when the children aren’t present, when there’s enough time to discuss the issue, when there are no other competing demands such as dinnertime, another appointment, television, radio or telephone, and when you’re both calm.
  • Try to use the problem-solving approach described below to discuss problems.
  • Agree to try to listen so you both understand what the other person is saying.
  • Agree that you won’t raise conflict topics in front of other people.
  • Keep in mind that if one of you has a problem, you both have a problem.

Adapted from K. Halford (2001), Brief therapy for couples: Helping partners help themselves, New York: The Guilford Press.

You know your rules are working when you can solve problems effectively and you both feel you’re working as a team. Another good sign is when conflicts don’t cause lasting negative feelings such as anger and resentment. And you know you’re going well when you can reconnect and spend positive time together after any conflicts.

Research has shown that 60% of problems can’t be solved, so it makes sense to focus on problems that can be solved. You just have to find ways to manage the ones that can’t.

How to problem-solve

StepWhat to doTips
1. Define the problem

Be clear and specific about the problem. 

  • Describe what’s happening, how often it’s happening, and who’s involved.
  • Focus on the issue, not the person. 
  • Acknowledge your role or contribution to the problem.

Your partner is much more likely to take part if a neutral, non-blaming approach is taken.

Try phrasing the issue as a question. For example, ‘Can we talk about how we’ll afford to buy the kids some birthday presents this year?’

2. Clarify what you each want

Be clear about what’s important to each of you. Ask questions to clarify your positions.

  • Why is that so important?
  • Why do you want/need that?
  • Why are you concerned/worried/afraid about that?
  • Why don’t you want/need that?
  • What would be so awful about that?
Just listen to the answers, rather than debating them. The goal is to have a clear understanding of what you both want.
3. Brainstorm

Write down any possible solutions you can both come up with. 

  • Take turns to suggest ideas.
  • Try to get as many ideas as you can, even if some don’t seem relevant.
  • Wait until you’ve got all of the ideas down before you discuss them.
  • Include all ideas – putting down your partner’s thoughts can hurt their feelings and stall the process.
Accept everything – even silly and outrageous ideas! These can stimulate other good ideas. Try for 8-10 ideas if you can.
4. Evaluate and choose

Evaluate each solution. Cross off ideas you both agree won’t work. 

  • If one of you thinks an idea has use, leave it on the list.
  • List the advantages and disadvantages for each idea. 
  • Keep it brief and avoid getting too bogged down on any one solution.
  • Finally, cross off any suggestions that clearly have more disadvantages than advantages. Then select the best option or combination of options. 
  • Rate the option or options from 1 (not very good) to 10 (very good).
  • Be prepared to compromise. 
  • Look for a practical outcome that can solve the problem.

If you can’t find a solution, repeat the brainstorming step. If this still doesn’t work, look for more information or ask other people for ideas.

Look at the advantages first – try to find something positive about every idea.
5. Try it

Make a commitment to the solution by agreeing on the following.

  • What each of you will do, when and where.
  • What will happen if the agreement isn’t followed. 
  • Whether you need to keep track of how well the agreement is working.
  • What you’ll do if the agreement isn’t followed.
  • A time to review how it’s going.
  • If it’s related to the children, consider asking them for ideas as well.
Writing down your agreement is a good idea.
6. Review

Review and discuss how it’s going.

  • Is the agreement working?
  • What has worked well? What hasn’t worked? 
  • What could you do to make things work more smoothly?

If the agreement works, you’ll both notice there’s less conflict. If not, ask yourselves:

  • Was the agreement reasonable?
  • Did you both give and take? 
  • Were rules and responsibilities clear to both of you?
  • Were consequences for breaking the agreement used, and were they appropriate?
  • Have other issues come up that you need to talk about before your agreement will work?

You might find that you need to start the problem-solving process again to find a better solution.

Expect some hiccups along the way – allow 1-2 weeks to make it work.

Getting help

Find out how you and your partner can get extra support when you need it.

If you’re in a relationship that involves violence, call a hotline and do whatever you need to do to keep your children and yourself safe.
 
 
 
  • Last updated24-10-2011
  • Last reviewed01-09-2011
  • AcknowledgementsThe Parents and Teamwork series was produced with support from the Victorian Government Department of Human Services. © Copyright Victorian Government Department of Human Services 2005
References

  • Halford, W.K. (2001). Brief therapy for couples. New York: The Guilford Press.

    Jacobson, N.S., & Christensen, A. (1996). Acceptance and change in couple therapy: A therapist's guide to transforming relationships. New York: W.W. Norton & Company Inc.

    Sanders, M.R., & Dadds, C., (1993). Behavioral family intervention. Needham Heights, MA: Allyn & Bacon.

    Sanders, M.R., Markie-Dadds, C., & Turner, K.M.T. (1998). Practitioners manual for enhanced Triple P. Brisbane: Families International Publishing.

    Weinhaus, E., Friedman, K., & Stagoll, B. (1991). Stop struggling with your teenager. Melbourne: McPhee Gribble.

    Wertheim, E., Love, A., Littlefield, L., & Peck, C. (1992). I win you win. Australia: Penguin.