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Solving problems together

Parent teamwork skills: making parenting easier

By Parenting Research Centre
 
 

Problem-solving is a way of finding new and creative solutions in situations where parents are stuck, going round in circles, or not able to resolve issues.

The way parents manage any problems or fighting can protect children from the downsides of conflict, and teach children important skills for life.

Finding solutions together can also help the whole family have more fun together.

Before you start problem-solving

It can help to set up rules for conflict. These can help you avoid the three most common mistakes couples make in disagreements:

  1. Trying to force partners to change.
  2. Giving in and accepting a situation that one partner is not happy with.
  3. Avoiding the issue altogether.

Research has shown that 60% of problems are unresolvable, so it makes sense to focus on resolvable problems and try to find ways to manage the others.

The following suggestions* are a guide for agreeing on how you will solve problems together.

Tips for solving problems together

1

We can raise a problem for discussion with each other at any time.

2

Either of us can say ‘no’ if we do not want to talk now, but will make another time (no more than one day later).

3

If the discussion is becoming heated, either of us can call for a ‘break’ to calm down.

4 

Problems will be raised at a good time and place. For example, when

  • the children are not present
  • there is enough time to discuss the issue
  • there are no other competing demands such as dinnertime, another appointment, television, radio or telephone
  • we are both calm.
5 

We will use the problem-solving approach described below
to discuss problems.

6 

We will try to listen so that we understand what the other is saying.

7 

We will not raise conflict topics in front of other people.

8 

If one of us has a problem, then we both have a problem.

*adapted from Halford, K. (2001). Brief Therapy for Couples: Helping Partners Help Themselves. New York: The Guilford Press.

You know that your rules are working when:

  • you can solve problems effectively
  • both partners feel as though they are working as a team
  • the conflict does not cause lasting negative feelings such as anger and resentment
  • after the conflict, you are able to reconnect and spend positive time together.


How to problem-solve

StepWhat to doTips
Step 1
Define the problem

Be clear and specific about the problem. 

  • Describe what is happening, how often it is happening and who is involved.
  • Focus on the issue, not the person. 
  • Acknowledge your role or contribution to the problem.

Partners are much more likely to take part if a neutral, non-blaming approach is taken.

Try phrasing the issue as a question; for example, 'Can we talk about how we will afford to buy the kids birthday presents this year?'

Step 2 
Clarify what you each want

Be clear about what is important to each of you. Ask questions to clarify each person’s position.

  • Why is that so important?
  • Why do you want/need that?
  • Why are you concerned/worried/afraid about that?
  • Why don’t you want/need that?
  • What would be so awful about that?
Just listen to the answers, rather than debating them. The goal is to have a clear understanding of what you both want.
Step 3  Brainstorm

Write down any possible solutions you can both come up with. 

  • Take turns to suggest ideas
  • Try to get as many ideas as you can, even if some don’t seem relevant.
  • Wait until you’ve got all of the ideas down before you discuss them.
  • Include all ideas – discounting or criticising people's thoughts can hurt their feelings and stall the process.
Accept everything – even silly and outrageous ideas! These can stimulate other good ideas. Try for 8-10 ideas if you can.
Step 4
Evaluate and choose

Evaluate each solution. Cross off ideas that you both agree won’t work. 

  • If one of you thinks an idea has use, leave it on the list.
  • List the advantages and disadvantages for each idea. 
  • Keep it brief and avoid getting too bogged down on any one solution.
  • Finally, cross off any suggestions which clearly have more disadvantages than advantages.
    Then select the best option or combination of options. 
  • Rate each from 1 (not very good) to 10 (very good).
  • Be prepared to compromise. 
  • Look for a practical outcome that can solve the problem.

If you can’t find a solution, repeat the brainstorming step. If this still doesn’t work, look for more information or ask other people for ideas.

Look at the advantages first – try to find something positive about every idea.
Step 5 
Try it

Make a commitment to the solution by agreeing on the following.

  • What each of you will do, when and where.
  • What will happen if the agreement is not followed. 
  • Whether you need to keep track of how well the agreement is working.
  • What you’ll do if the agreement isn’t followed.
  • A time to review how it is going.
  • If it is related to the children, consider asking them for ideas as well.
Writing down your agreement is a good idea.
Step 6 
Review

Review and discuss how it’s going.

  • Is the agreement working?
  • What has worked well, what hasn’t worked? 
  • What could you do to make things work more smoothly?

If the agreement works, you will both notice that there is less conflict. If not, ask yourselves:

  • Was the agreement reasonable?
  • Did you both give and take? 
  • Were rules and responsibilities clear to both of you?
  • Were consequences for breaking the agreement used and were they appropriate?

You may find that you need to start the problem-solving process again to find a better solution.

Expect some hiccups along the way – allow 1-2 weeks to make it work.


Getting Help

Find out how you and your partner can get extra support when you need it.

If you are in a relationship that involves violence, seek professional help and do whatever is necessary to ensure the safety of you and your children.

 
 
 
 
  • Last reviewed05-05-2006
  • References

    Halford, W.K. (2001). Brief therapy for couples. New York: Guilford Press.

    Jacobson, N.S., & Christensen, A. (1996). Acceptance and change in couple therapy: A therapistís guide to transforming relationships. New York: W.W. Norton & Company Inc.

    Sanders, M. R., & Dadds, C., (1993). Behavioral family intervention. Needham Heights, MA: Allyn & Bacon.

    Sanders M. R., Markie-Dadds, C., & Turner, K. M. T. (1998). Practitioners manual for enhanced Triple P. Brisbane, Australia: Families International Publishing.

    Weinhaus, E., Friedman, K., & Stagoll, B. (1991). Stop struggling with your teenager. Melbourne, Australia: McPhee Gribble.

    Wertheim, E., Love, A., Littlefield, L. & Peck, C. (1992). I win you win. Australia: Penguin.

  • AcknowledgementsThe Parents and Teamwork series was produced with support from the Victorian Government Department of Human Services. © Copyright Victorian Government Department of Human Services 2005