More than arguments: domestic violence

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• What is domestic violence?
• Why does it happen?
• How does it start?
• What are the effects of domestic violence?
• What parents can do
• Reminders

Most people argue with other members of their family from time to time. Parents may argue about money, the children and household jobs; children fight about any number of things. Sometimes arguments in families get out of hand and people get hurt. When this happens between adults, it affects everyone, especially the children. Domestic violence happens in all sorts of families and plays a major part in the breakdown of families.

Most people don't want to think that what happens in their family is 'domestic violence'. It is hard to talk about, and people may ignore or even deny it is happening. Many people find that talking about it, even to their closest friends, is something they cannot do, or feel they shouldn't do. Unfortunately, domestic violence hardly ever goes away by itself. It usually gets worse over time unless real changes in attitude and behaviour are made.

What is domestic violence?

When most of us think of domestic violence, we think of hitting, and this is certainly part of it. Abuse or violence happens when people use their power to hurt, control or bully someone else. This can be with words or with actions.

Domestic violence happens in relationships between couples who are going out together, living together, married, separated or divorced.

It happens between men and women, and in same sex relationships.

People from both sexes can be abusive or violent. 

People who are abusive tend to 'play down' what they do, while those on the receiving end tend to blame themselves or 'play down' the effect on themselves of what has happened.

Unfortunately some people accept violence and abuse as a part of relationships.

Abuse and violence can be seen every day on television programs, in films and in newspapers. There are fewer examples around of how to value, respect and consider other people.

There is never any excuse for bullying, abuse or violence.

Arguing is not domestic violence. Arguing, or telling someone that you disagree with them, and even feeling and expressing your anger is a necessary part of relationships.

Arguing can be done without anyone being hurt and is one of the ways adults manage their differences and sort out problems.

Children learn about relationships and how to manage a disagreement by watching how adults do this, particularly their parents.

Domestic violence is what happens when one partner is hurt physically or emotionally and fears that it will happen again. 

Why does it happen?

It might be hard to understand why people could deliberately hurt others, especially those they say they love.

Many different things can lead to domestic violence.

Some people are stronger, bigger, louder and have more authority or control than others, and may think they have more right than others to get their own way.

Some people do not have the skills to deal with the stresses of life or know how to handle their feelings. They may get frustrated and angry and 'take it out' on others.

Some people may be jealous and believe they have the right to control the behaviour of their partner.

Some people see their partner as someone they 'own' and believe they can treat them as they like.

Some people grow up in families where abuse and violence was learnt as a way for people to deal with their differences, or to get what they want. They may not know other ways of behaving.

How does it start?

In some families disagreements and arguments can end in domestic violence. This happens when people believe they know best, that they have a right to try and make everyone do what they want, and insist on having their own way no matter what it takes. Sometimes drugs and alcohol can play a part, though they are never an excuse.

There is a common pattern to this abuse and violence - sometimes called the 'cycle of violence'. This cycle often gets worse over time and occurs more often. It does not usually go away by itself.

Build up

• This is the time when a person begins to feel irritated and annoyed. 
• They may believe their partner is pushing them even though the partner may in fact be trying very hard to 'keep the peace'. 
• As these feelings become more intense they may get more verbally abusive and threatening. 
• Build-up leads to an explosion sooner or later if nothing is done to deal with the feelings. 
• This build-up can take weeks, days or only minutes.

Explosion

• This is the time when a partner can get physically hurt if physical force is used. 
• This can include pushing, shoving or beatings which leave bruises or broken bones. 
• There can be yelling, cruel language or threats made. 
• Violence at this point can be life-threatening.

Feeling sorry

• Sometimes afterwards they may say they are sorry. 
• They may act helpless and guilty.
• They may promise they will never do it again. 
• They may talk about how much they love their partner. 
• Some do not see themselves as responsible for what has happened. They may blame their partner, alcohol or drugs, or brush it off as not being important.
• Some may deny that anything happened at all.

False honeymoon

• They may try to make up for their behaviour by buying gifts, fixing things around the house and generally trying to please their partner. 
• This may be a relief, as things between them may seem better than they have for a long time. However, unless they follow promises through with changes to behaviour, it is likely that the pattern will start again.

What are the effects of domestic violence?

Effects on family life
Domestic violence can result in:

• family members not feeling safe, and not trusting or feeling supported by others within the family 
• a loss of confidence or low self-esteem in family members 
• a separation or divorce.

Effects on parents
The partner who is abused may feel:

• intimidated, stressed, anxious, shamed, guilty, depressed and very alone
• less able to cope with parenting 
• less able to cope with life.

The partner who abuses may feel:

• frustrated
• strong anger that is hard to control 
• not appreciated by the family 
• less able to parent well
• very alone.

Effects on childrenLiving with domestic violence affects children, both physically and emotionally. How badly they are affected will depend on their age, sex, how long it has been happening and what happens. It can be hard for children to cope with the seesawing feelings at home as the pattern continues. Children often live in a constant state of anticipation - waiting for it to happen again.

The effects on children can include:

• feelings of fear, mistrust, shame, anger, helplessness, low self-esteem and depression 
• signs of stress such as headaches, stomach aches, sleeping problems, nightmares and bed-wetting 
• believing that violence in families is normal 
• learning that the only way to get what you want is by using violence 
• learning that it's OK to be violent or to be abused 
• missing school to stay near a parent who is hurt 
• running away from home 
• using drugs and alcohol 
• aggressive language and behaviour 
• poor school performance 
• not having friends and withdrawing from family activities.

Note: There may be other reasons for these behaviours in children.

What parents can do

If you think domestic violence is happening in your home then you need to get help.

The partner who abuses
If you bully or abuse your partner, or find it hard to control your anger, you can learn ways other than using violence and abuse to deal with your feelings. Talk to someone who understands the problem of domestic violence or phone a domestic violence helpline.

If you think you could be a danger to your family, leave until you have calmed down. You can phone Crisis Care or a Domestic Violence Helpline.

The partner who is abused
You have a right to be safe. You are not responsible for this violence and abuse.

If you or your children are in immediate danger call the Police on 000 (in Australia).

If you are scared or living in fear of your partner, then it's important to consider your safety and the safety of your children. Your children need to understand that violent behaviour is not acceptable.

Some time away from your partner can help you to see things more clearly.

Talking to someone who understands the problems in these situations can help you to sort out what to do.

How to help your childrenChildren need:

• protection from physical, emotional and verbal abuse 
• to know that bullying, abuse and violence is not OK
• encouragement to talk about their feelings and worries 
• reassurance that it is not their fault 
• reassurance that they are loved 
• extra support from a trusted adult 
• support with schooling 
• professional help if they show signs of behavioural or emotional problems 
• to know where they can get help in an emergency (dial 000 in Australia) or contact police, Crisis Care or Kids Helpline.

One of the most important things you can do for your children is to show that you can disagree about things and not get violent and still respect and care for the other person.

Reminders

• Everyone has the right to be safe. 
• There is never any excuse for bullying, abuse and violence. 
• Abuse, bullying and violent behaviour often becomes a pattern of behaviour. 
• Children suffer in an environment with domestic violence. 
• People who are abusive and bully others can learn to behave differently. 
• If you handle arguments without using abuse and violence, your children can learn to do the same. 
• If you are concerned about the effects of your behaviour on your family, or are frightened by your partner's behaviour, get professional help and advice. Don't wait in the hope that it will go away.

Books

There are many books available that examine domestic violence, its origins and its impact on families and children. Two texts you may find useful are:

• Osofsky, Joy (Ed). 'Children in a Violent Society'. The Guilford Press, 1998.
• Berry , Dawn Bradley. 'The Domestic Violence Sourcebook'. McGraw Hill 2000.

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