Requests and instructions

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One of the most common complaints that parents have is that their children don't listen. Quite often the problem goes away once the parents learn how to give instructions more effectively. Telling your child what it is you want him to do – and having him actually do it – seems like it should be the most natural thing in the world, but it isn't. There actually are techniques that can make giving instructions much more effective.

First, decide whether to give an instruction or make a request. This is an important distinction: An instruction is something your child needs to follow; a request gives your child a choice. For example, if you say to your six-year-old, ‘I wish you'd clean up your room’, that's a request. You want the room cleaned up, but he probably wants to keep playing. You have stated your preference, but you've left the decision up to your child. By contrast, ‘Please pick up your clothing and toys now’ is an instruction. It tells your child what you expect, and when, and it lets your child know that he really does not have a choice about the matter.

Both instructions and requests have their place. Children need to learn how to follow reasonable instructions from adults, but they also need to practise making choices about their behaviour. It's up to you to decide ahead of time whether to give an instruction or make a request. When you give an instruction, you need to be prepared to do whatever it takes to make sure that instruction is followed. So it makes sense to save instructions for things that you really care about. Safety issues – wearing a bike helmet, for example – are clearly not a matter of choice. But many lesser issues can be.

On a cold day, for example, you could say to your child: ‘Please put on your coat now’ (instruction). Or, since being cold doesn't actually give children colds, you might instead make a request: ‘I wish you'd wear a coat; you'll be cold’ (request). If your child then chooses to go coatless, he may be wiser the next time it's cold outside.

When giving an instruction, first make sure you have your child's attention. Children, like everyone else, tend to turn a deaf ear to things they'd rather not hear. So, instead of talking to your child from across the room, take the time to walk over, stoop down so that your face is at eye level, look your child right in the eye, and then tell him what you want him to do. Use a serious but friendly face and voice. A gentle touch on the shoulder can help focus his attention.

Don't state an instruction as a question. Instructions that are phrased as questions can be confusing to children. Let's say, for example, that your child drops a lolly wrapper and turns to walk away. ‘Do you want to pick that up?’ is a question; it allows the child to think, ‘Well, no, I don't want to right now’ and keep on going. Being direct, perhaps saying ‘Please pick that wrapper up right now’, is much more effective.

Be clear about what needs to be done and when. ‘Clean up your room!’ may seem clear enough, but it really isn't. Does it mean putting away the toys, picking up all the clothes off the floor and putting them, folded neatly, away in the drawers, vacuuming the floor, or all of the above? Does the room need to be cleaned up right away, or will sometime later be OK? It helps to be specific; for example, ‘Please put the toys away and the clothes in the basket now’.

Make sure that your child can do what you're asking. If a child is crying with fright, ordering him to stop is not very helpful; he needs comforting, not controlling. If his room is such an incredible mess that you don't really know where to start, it's not fair to order him to clean it all up. Instead, help him break the task down into smaller pieces that he can handle.

Don't yell or threaten. Do follow through. Many parents feel they have no choice but to yell. They may start out quietly enough, but they get louder and louder as their children ignore them. Finally, when they're furious, the children listen. They seem to think that parents aren't serious unless they're yelling. Other parents don't yell, but they threaten time-out or another consequence over and over and over. Children quickly learn to ignore the first threat – or the first seven!

The solution to this problem is simple: give an instruction once, and then make certain that your child responds. A good way to do this is to go over to him, get his attention (as described above), state the instruction again, make it clear that you expect him to do it right now, and then stay with him until he follows the instruction. It is much harder to resist this polite, firm approach than to ignore a raving parent. Eventually your child will learn that when you give an instruction, you mean business.

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