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Adapting routines during divorce or separation

By Raising Children Network
 
 

Coping with separation and divorce means some adjustment and upheaval for everyone, parents and children alike. Routines are one way that you can help children to adapt.

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Reminding your children that you love them and that the problems are between the adults will help your children adjust. You can say something like, 'Mummy and daddy still love you. This is an issue just between mummy and daddy, and we're working it out'.

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On top of what you're going through, you will need to deal with how your children are coping. They could be feeling anywhere from upset to devastated by the change. They might feel:

  • worried about whether their parents still love them
  • distressed by the sudden instability and unpredictability in their environment
  • stressed about a parent re-partnering, new family arrangements and new carers.

The challenge is to try to prevent the separation or divorce from affecting your children's health and happiness. Continuing with consistent and predictable routines helps a lot.

Tips to help your children adapt

  • Talkabout any new living arrangements. Children want to know what is going to happen next. Tell them if there will be a new routine, such as spending time with each parent individually.
  • Explain the new routine. Talk about things like who will take them to school, where they will sleep and how often they will see each parent.
  • Try to change routines as little as possible. This maintains a sense of security.
  • Try to keep consistency in discipline. Continue to reinforce the limits and behaviours you encouraged before the separation (it helps if your ex-partner does the same).
  • Let children know that you're pleased with the way they're coping. This encourages them to keep trying.
  • Give kids extra support before and after access visits. Things will be less upsetting for them if both households are stable, predictable environments where they can feel safe to express their own feelings.
  • Keep adult problems for adults. You can say something like, ‘It's OK, that's a problem that daddy is working out, you don't have to worry about it’.
  • If possible, keep children at the same school. The same surroundings, friends, teachers and routine all help.
  • Help children keep in contact with extended family. A familiar support network after the separation will help a lot.
  • Be as available as possible to listen or talk to your child.
  • Encourage your partner to continue spending positive time with your child.
  • This may seem hard to imagine, but think ahead about how you will deal with dating and remarriage.
 
  • Last reviewed08-05-2006