Your child's disability and your relationship

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• Parenting a child with a disability: effects on a couple’s relationship
• Dealing constructively with relationship strains
• Handling conflict
• When should I worry about my relationship?
• Who can I talk to if I am worried about my relationship?

Parenting a child with a disability: effects on a couple’s relationship

Positive effects
Coping with the stress of raising a child with a disability can make a relationship stronger and bring a couple closer together. Many parents say that it is a rewarding and positive experience. It can lead to better coping skills, a stronger family, more sharing of parenting responsibilities and increased communication. 

Pressures
Caring for a child with a disability can be a lot more work than raising a typically developing child, and the extra demands can result in strain on the parents’ relationship. But this isn’t the only cause of stress. Other factors include:

• Financial pressures:  transportation, equipment, medical bills and essential changes to the house can all cost a lot, and may place a financial strain on a couple.
• Employment: one or both parents might have to reduce their working hours to care for their child. That means less income, which is additionally stressful if costs have gone up. The parent who stays home may also feel resentful and isolated, which can place a strain on the relationship.  
• Marital roles: when there is a child with a disability in the family, studies show that the roles of mothers and fathers tend to become more traditional, with fathers working outside the home and mothers providing primary care for the child. One or both parents might be uncomfortable with this division of labour.
• Child behaviour: according to research, often it’s not the disability that causes most parents stress – it’s any behavioural problems that go along with the disability. The type, intensity and frequency of behavioural problems can really affect your relationship with your partner.
• Time pressures: you might have far fewer opportunities to spend time with your partner, go out, keep up your own interests or go on holidays.

Dealing constructively with relationship strains

Spending time together as a couple is the best thing you can do to reduce any strain on your relationship. Find a way to spend pleasurable time together, for both leisure activities and intimacy. You may need to take advantage of respite care to give you time alone.

Here are some other ways to reduce the strain:

• Celebrate achievements, your own and your child’s – focus on positives.
• Share the workload at home so that one parent is not overburdened.
• Talk to each other about your feelings, listen to each other and give each other emotional support.  
• It’s OK to laugh: a sense of humour helps to lighten situations and relieve tension.
• Claim all financial benefits that you are eligible for in order to reduce financial strain. Make decisions together about areas where you can save money.

Use all supports available to you. The more support you have the less stressed you may be and the better your relationship with your partner is likely to be. Parents who have more support report greater marital satisfaction and less stress. Support can come from:

• family members
• disability associations 
• community agencies  
• peer support groups, such as MyTime
• professionals such as psychologists or relationship counsellors.

Handling conflict

Conflicts and tensions occur in even the strongest relationships, so they are bound to occur when there is extra stress. The following techniques are helpful for resolving conflict:

• Listen and try to understand.
• Commit yourself to finding a solution when you have differences.
• Be prepared to compromise. 
• Focus on the problem situation, not the person.
• Let your partner talk without interruption.
• Sit down while talking and do not argue aggressively or shout.

When should I worry about my relationship?

Immediately after your child is diagnosed with a disability, your relationship may be affected while both of you adjust to the diagnosis and manage your emotional responses.

Every couple will deal with their child's diagnosis differently. But your relationship may need attention if some of the following behaviours persist over a period of time:

• a loss of sex drive
• not enough time for intimacy
• not enough time to spend together
• talking to one another a lot less
• having more and worse arguments.

Who can I talk to if I am worried about my relationship?

The first person you should talk to is your partner. You can deal with a lot of worries by talking openly – don’t be scared to talk about how you feel. But if that doesn’t succeed, you may want to get in touch with a relationships counsellor or a psychologist (through the Australian Psychological Society)

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