Siblings of children with disabilities: feelings

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• The good news
• How might my child be affected?
• Will negative feelings go away?
• Signs that a child is struggling
• Factors affecting sibling reactions

The good news

There are many positives in having a brother or sister with a disability. Families can become closer and children who have a sibling with a disability are often more:

• caring and kind
• sensitive and responsive to the needs of others 
• tolerant and compassionate 
• mature
• appreciative of their own health 
• responsible
• independent
• empathetic.

How might a sibling be affected?

Most siblings of children with a disability adjust without major difficulties. When your child is first diagnosed, however, your other child might feel a range of emotions. 

• Scared and anxious: your child might worry about whether he'll get sick too, or about how ill his brother or sister is. He might be scared about what will happen to him, his sibling and his family in the future. Daily problems like being late for school, being teased by friends or being scared if his sibling is aggressive can also make him anxious. 
• Angry, resentful and jealous: he might think his sibling is getting all the attention, or that family rules are unfairly biased towards his sibling. Your child might be resentful because his freedom is restricted, or he has too much responsibility. 
• Embarrassed and guilty: he might be embarrassed by how his sibling looks and behaves in public, and what his friends think. He might feel guilty about his negative thoughts, his abilities or even his future prospects. 
• Sad: he might be aware that his sibling is suffering or can’t do as much as he can, or that family life isn’t how it used to be.
• Lonely and socially isolated: he might feel this because none of his friends know what it’s like, because he may be teased or bullied, because his sibling can’t play with him, or because his parents are busy with his sibling or can’t take part in social activities.
• Stressed: he might be trying too hard to ‘be good and not cause any trouble’ or to succeed.

Will these feelings change?

Most likely, over time. As they get older, children understand disability better. They also get better at talking about feelings and dealing with them constructively. Your child’s peer supports will be more important as he becomes more independent and spends time outside his family.

Younger children might be more worried about themselves, whereas older children might focus on other family members as well and will be able to discuss more complicated issues.

Whatever their age, it takes time for a child to accept the situation and adjust. Initial reactions might be stronger or more negative but these feelings will change over time.

Signs that a child is struggling

After a diagnosis of disability, it’s common for siblings to withdraw temporarily, be jealous or try to get your attention.

If these reactions seem extreme or continue for a long time, you may want to seek help. You could also ask for help with your child if he displays any of the following:

• trouble sleeping or eating
• fear of his sibling with the disability
• avoidance of his sibling
• frequent anger or aggression towards his sibling 
• obsession with his own health
• underachievement in school work
• low self-esteem
• apathy
• lack of interest in spending time with friends or inviting them over
• lack of interest in playing his usual games
• significant changes in personality
• excessive attempts to please you
• unusual behaviour (for example, an older child may have tantrums that are more usual in younger children, or a child might pretend to have a disability as well).

Factors affecting sibling reactions

• Age: older children will probably find it easier to understand and adjust to the situation.
• Type of disability: children are likely to have more difficulties if their sibling has trouble communicating or behaves aggressively or in other challenging ways.
• Medical and care needs: if your child with a disability needs extra care and services it might interfere with family routines and daily life. For example, it might affect getting to school on time, or take attention away from other children. It might restrict what you can do as a family and mean that some of your children have to take on responsibilities or additional chores.
• How parents are coping: how well the family is coping, particularly the parents’ relationship, has a major impact on children. Helping your child is possible only if you take care of yourself. Easy to say, hard to do! But your child will learn most from how you manage your emotional responses.

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