Dealing with the reactions of others

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• Helpful reactions
• Unhelpful reactions
• Responding to other people’s reactions
• Talk to your support people

Helpful reactions

Dealing with the reactions of others can be tricky when you are still coming to terms with your own feelings about your child’s diagnosis. Most people will be supportive, sensitive and helpful. But sometimes people will react in ways that you won’t find helpful.

Helpful reactions might include:

• making helpful comments that give you new insights or information
• showing empathy, without suggesting that they know exactly how you feel
• making a comment about your child, not about her disability
• responding to your child just as they would to a typically developing child
• saying something that shows that they like your child and see her as an individual 
• showing respect and care for you and your child
• letting you know that they notice small signs of progress and are as pleased and excited about them as you are.  

Unhelpful reactions

Unhelpful reactions usually occur because people are not sure how to respond or they feel uncomfortable. They might lack knowledge about your child’s illness or disability, or be misinformed.

Unhelpful reactions might include those in the following table.

Responding to other people’s reactions

It’s easy to respond to comments that make you feel good, or that are positive and supportive. You probably feel like saying, ‘More more!’

It is trickier to deal with reactions that are unhelpful or unsupportive or that you find upsetting. Sometimes you will respond better than other times. It depends on how you’re feeling and how important the person is to you or your child.

Here are some ideas for responding constructively to people’s unhelpful reactions to your child’s disability.

• Most unhelpful comments are made because people have limited knowledge, or are misinformed about your child’s disability. You can take these opportunities to educate people. For example, ‘My child is a child first – her disability is only one part of who she is’ or ‘Many children with autism attend regular primary schools’.
• Be informed so you can answer people’s questions if you want to.
• Develop a set of standard responses that you can use in different circumstances, such as, ‘I prefer not to discuss it with strangers’ or ‘You could find out more by looking up the disability on the internet’.
• Have an escape plan to use in particularly difficult situations. Feel free to tell people, ‘I can’t talk to you about this now, can we talk at another time’. If it’s someone you don’t know, tell them you have an appointment to get to.
• Some people and their comments can just be ignored. You don’t have to say anything, and you don’t have to say more than you want to.
• Use humour to defuse situations if you can. Sometimes you just have to laugh at the ridiculous things people say.
• Accept that if people have negative feelings about your child, it’s their problem, not yours.
• Be assertive about what you believe is in your child’s and your best interests.
• Put things in perspective. Most people who say things that upset or offend you don’t do so deliberately. Not everybody will be as well informed as you are – think about how little you knew about your child’s condition before she was diagnosed.
• It’s OK to be honest about your feelings, especially when you’re talking to someone you feel comfortable with. If you’re embarrassed or worried about getting emotional, explain why you feel that way.
• Children often say whatever’s on their mind: ‘Why does she walk funny?’ or ‘She eats messy, like a baby’. These questions are a good opportunity to help educate kids about people with a disability or illness. Answer honestly, in a way they can understand. This will depend on the child’s age and level of understanding. For example, ‘The muscles in Jenny’s legs get very tired, so she can’t walk very fast’. Generally, children are very accepting.
• Try to stay calm, as you might feel worse if you react too strongly. However this can be difficult when you hear unhelpful comments. Accept that there will be times when you will be surprised, hurt and even offended by people’s reactions.

Talk to your support people

Find someone you trust when you need to vent your frustrations. Let your family and friends know which comments and reactions are helpful and supportive and which ones are not. If you are finding other people’s reactions particularly difficult to deal with, or find that you are often becoming upset, you may want to seek professional support to help you deal with this.

Online forum
You may want to visit our parents’ online forum where parents of children with disabilities share their experiences. 

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