When it's difficult to be warm

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• Common barriers to being positive
• Children do notice
• Forgive yourself: not every moment is vital

Common barriers to being positive

Even the most caring parents can't be perfect and always respond to their child in the best possible way. Sometimes when you are stressed, parenting can be tough and smiling, paying attention or just making eye contact can seem difficult.

There are some common barriers to expressing positive emotions. If you understand them, it can help you overcome these difficulties and show your child how much you value her.

Work-related stress
Work-related stress can be caused by many factors, including heavy workloads and interpersonal conflicts. It can make you tense and anxious, affecting your behaviour and ability to pay attention to your child when you get home.

Research shows that mothers and fathers behave differently after stressful days at work. Both mothers and fathers are more likely to withdraw and be distant rather than show irritation towards their child, but fathers may be more negative or punitive towards their children — especially fathers who have distressing social interactions at work.

Your general health and illness
Your level of general health will affect your ability to give your child positive attention. If you are unwell, in pain or have an injury, you probably won't have much energy to relate to others positively. If you are experiencing mental illness such as depression, you might find it harder to be attentive, to respond to your child, to express positive emotions or to be affectionate. Dealing with either physical ailments or mental illness is likely to affect your relationship with your partner and children and influence the family environment.

Tiredness
Parents need to be on call 24 hours a day. Work responsibilities and home duties can sometimes deplete your energy levels and leave you feeling very tired. You may have barely enough strength to get yourself through the day, and even less energy left over to give your child positive attention.

Life stresses and responsibilities
Financial worries, personal responsibilities and major life changes such as moving house, planning a major family occasion, beginning a new job or preparing for holidays can seem all-consuming. They can distract your attention and energy from your child. It can be especially tough for single parents, particularly those with little support, who may feel overloaded with responsibilities and unable to give what their child needs.

Your relationships with other adults will also be a major part of your life — you may be a son or daughter, a sister or brother, a friend. Any of these roles carries a certain level of responsibility, may cause stress and bring with them pressing concerns at times.

Tension or conflict with your partner
A positive relationship with a partner or spouse can be a kind of 'platform' for giving positive messages to your child. Conflict or tension in your relationship, even if it's short-term or relatively minor, can take over your thoughts and feelings so you feel as though there's little left to give to your child.

Frustration with your child
It's highly likely that there will be times when you feel challenged by your child's behaviour. You may feel disappointed, frustrated, annoyed and even angry. Needless to say, during these times you are not likely to give your child warm, positive caring messages.

Different temperaments
Extensive research over several years has shown that children are born with a predisposition to a particular temperament. Some babies are much more active than others; some settle much more readily into a predictable routine; some cry much more than others; some are much more flexible; and some cope much better with things such as noise, lots of activity going on around them and changes in their routine.

It's nobody's fault, but sometimes there are 'mismatches' in temperament between parents and babies. These mismatches can cause stress and conflict. For example, a very quiet placid mum gets a busy, full-on, 24-hours-a-day baby. Or a dad who likes to be out and about and has a varied routine has a child who gets upset if her routine is altered and only likes to sleep in her own bed. 

Your need for personal space
Occasionally parents will have moments of tuning out or not focusing on their child. At these times you may just be thinking, 'It's time for me right now'. Finding time to relax and pursue personal interests is just as important to a new parent as it is to any adult.

Children do notice

Interactions and relationships in the early years are at the heart of healthy development. Not so long ago many people believed that very young children weren't very aware of what was going on around them. If they were fed, clothed, given shelter and kept warm — in other words, if their physical needs were met — they needed nothing more. We now know our interactions with children, even with very young babies, influences their learning and emotional development.

Looking after you plays a big part in overcoming obstacles to these interactions. Even when you want to put everyone else first, taking care of your own health and wellbeing really does matter. Try to address problems like stress, worry or personal unhappiness — it can help set the scene for more positive moments with your children.

Forgive yourself: not every moment is vital

Even the most conscientious and committed parents have days when they aim simply to survive. On days like this, keep in mind that not every moment is vital. You don't have to maximise every little encounter or opportunity. Not every situation is 'make or break'. You're human — you won't always be able give your child the positive attention she deserves. This doesn't mean that she will be less clever or healthy or resilient than she would if you were perfect!

Relationships and interactions matter a lot, but apart from extreme negative experiences, it's what happens over time, not each particular incident, that makes the difference. 

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