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Coping with a crisis

By Child and Youth Health
 
 

A crisis is when we get so stressed or overwhelmed we feel we can’t cope. Lots of things can bring on a crisis – especially for parents. After you get over the immediate feelings of stress and anxiety, a crisis can sometimes lead you to making positive changes.

Teen and adult with mobile phone
 

Everyone knows about stress – it’s just part of life. It isn’t always unhealthy, as it’s what makes us get things done on time, or remember things. But when we get too stressed, stress becomes distress, and things get harder to handle.

If we get to the point where we’re so stressed we don’t believe we can cope with a situation any more, we’re in a state of crisis. We can have crises at work, at home or in any part of our lives. In a lifetime of bringing up children, parents can be faced with lots of crises. A crisis is often the time to make changes so things can be better in future.

What is a crisis?

A crisis usually has several parts: the event, feelings that you can’t cope, and a strong emotional response.

The kind of event that can trigger a crisis usually causes (or threatens to cause) some sort of loss, for example: 

  • loss of someone through death or separation
  • loss of health through an illness or accident
  • loss of something, such as a house or a job
  • loss of good feelings, leading to bad feelings – for example, feeling bad about yourself, feeling old, feeling a failure, feeling alone.

‘Chronic stressors’ – especially stressful events in your life, such as financial troubles or problems with housing – can also contribute to a feeling of crisis.

You might feel unable to cope because you’ve never been in the situation before, or because right now you feel sick or worn out, or because you’re in a similar situation to one you found hard to cope with before.

You might feel frightened, anxious or angry as a result of the high level of stress.

Sometimes it’s not just one thing that causes the feelings – it can be a whole lot of things piling up on each other.

The good news is that people never stay in crisis forever – it’s just too painful! Experts agree that crises tend to last for between a few hours and a few weeks – 6-8 weeks at the most. After that, it’s pretty likely that either the situation will change, or how we react to it changes. Everyone has crises, but it’s how we deal with them that counts.

What can lead to a crisis?

Many things can lead to a crisis, including:

Even ‘good’ things can lead to a crisis. For example:

What you need to know about a crisis

How we react to a crisis is very personal. What feels scary to someone else might not feel scary to you, and what you see as a crisis today might not be a crisis to you next week.

In a crisis, there’s always a sense of danger, and a sense of actually or possibly losing something or someone.

When we’re in crisis, we usually can’t see what we can do about it, because we’re too close to the problem.

Crises always involve making a choice. We can be overwhelmed by it. We can feel trapped or powerless. We can either do nothing and accept the situation, or we can choose to do something about it. A crisis signals a time when we’re most willing to make changes.

How to know when someone is in a crisis

There are signs that suggest that someone is in crisis. These include:

  • behaviour changes, such as broken sleep, inability to sleep, antisocial behaviour, sudden outbursts of anger, loss of appetite and crying
  • emotional signs, such as anxiety, withdrawal, despair, helplessness, agitation and panic
  • physical signs, such as sweaty palms, heart palpitations, dilated pupils, rapid breathing, looking flushed and shaking
  • unclear thinking, such as confusion, and an inability to concentrate or make decisions.

People in crisis often feel:

  • a sense of danger – ‘I feel nervous and scared’
  • a sense of urgency – ‘I need help now!’
  • anger – ‘How dare he die and leave me’
  • apathy – ‘I just don’t care’
  • bewilderment – ‘I've never felt like this before’
  • confusion – ‘I can’t think clearly’
  • despair – ‘It all feels hopeless’
  • immobility – ‘I feel stuck and nothing helps’
  • that the situation is unfair – ‘Why did this happen to me?’

How children react

Children have their own crises. This can be very confusing for you, particularly when you don’t know the cause. Sometimes things that seem small to adults can bring on a crisis for a child. Seeing a parent or parents in distress can set off a crisis for a child.

The sorts of feelings children have in a crisis are very similar to those of parents, but children are usually less able to put them into words. Children often show their feelings in action rather than words.

Typical reactions of children in times of crisis can be:

  • acting as though they’re younger
  • always worrying about what could go wrong
  • behaviour problems
  • disturbed sleep
  • fear of things that might be associated with the crisis, such as loud noises, dogs, strangers
  • fear that what happened in one area of life will take over their whole life
  • lack of concentration
  • loss of interest in school
  • problems with friends.

Children react differently to crises at different ages:

  • early childhood (1-4 years) – thumb-sucking, bedwetting, fear of the dark, clinging to parents, nightmares, sleep problems (can’t get to sleep or waking up), loss of bladder or bowel control (or constipation), speech problems, feeding problems, fear of being left alone, fretful
  • childhood (5-8 years) – irritability, whining, clinging, aggressive behaviour at home or school, competing for attention, nightmares, fear of the dark, avoiding school, poor concentration at school, fear of being hurt, fear of being abandoned, confusion, school refusal, general anxiety, headaches, ‘tummy aches’, being ‘too good’, sleep problems.

What parents can do

For themselves
Children learn about life from their parents and other adults, so how you deal with situations affects how your children handle their lives. Your role is to help children understand that bad things do happen, but that how we deal with them is what counts.

When you’re faced with a crisis, you could try the following strategies:

  • Recognise how you’re feeling – pretending you don’t have feelings won’t make them go away.
  • Work out which areas of your life you can control, and take charge of these. Sometimes doing normal things, such as putting on a load of washing, will make you feel more in control.
  • Give yourself some leeway not to be a super-parent. Everyone falls in a heap sometimes!
  • Get support for yourself from friends or relatives, or get professional help – a counsellor, doctor, lawyer or accountant might be able to give you the information you really need.
  • Anticipate problems that might come along and make plans for dealing with them. Anniversaries and special occasions such as birthdays or Christmas can often set off old hurts.

For children
When a child’s world falls apart, they need to feel that there’s someone they can rely on. Here are some ideas on how to help:

  • Try not to overreact. If you panic, you might only make your child more afraid. Take a few minutes to gather yourself together before you talk to your child about the issue. Tell your child if you’re upset, but reassure her you’ll be able to support her to manage the situation. If you’re too distressed, you might need to get someone else to support you both.
  • Let your child see you’re upset, but reassure him you’ll be OK (if this is true). Assure him he’ll be looked after.
  • Recognise that children usually become upset or fearful when their parents are upset.
  • Take charge if you need to, particularly if your child is really upset. You’ll need to take over until she’s calm enough to take control of herself.
  • Try not to let the situation grow bigger than it really is, but at the same time recognise that your child’s sense of it being ‘the end of the world’ is a very real feeling to him. Show that you understand how he must feel.
  • Talk to your child. Give answers, even if it’s very hard for you, but keep your answers as simple as possible, using words your child can understand. If discussing the death of a loved one, using the word ‘died’ can be a better choice than saying ‘gone to heaven’. On the other hand, saying that someone has ‘gone to heaven’ might be a good answer if it’s part of your family’s beliefs.
  • You might have to repeat simple things many times.
  • Ask your child what she wants or needs from you right now.
  • It’s OK to say ‘I don’t know’.
  • Try not to lecture.
  • Give your child enough information so he can understand what the problem is, without unnecessary detail. If you tell him nothing, he’ll probably imagine the worst. Tell your child what he needs to know – he might surprise you with how much he understands. Ask him to tell you what he understands and what else he wants to know.
  • Let your child know if it’s an adult problem you’re working out. She might surprise you with the love and reassurance she offers you, but won’t be able to solve adult problems. Let her know you don’t need her to look after you.
  • Try to get your child to do a normal activity or chore as soon as possible. Doing something as simple as helping you take out the rubbish can help your child feel some sense of normality in the middle of chaos.
  • Keep to old routines. Let your child keep to normal routines as much as you can, because it helps him feel safer – but accept that it just might not be possible for a while.
  • Contact with friends or relatives might help make things feel normal again.
  • Reassure your child, and remember that actions speak louder than words. Hold your child if that usually makes her feel safer. Some children, particularly older ones, might not want to be touched, so follow their cue. Just be there.
  • Night-time can be especially frightening for children. Spending extra time putting your child to bed can be useful, and using a night-light or allowing your child to come to you in the night might help.
  • Let your young child use a dummy, a favourite toy or a blanket as much as he needs. This can be reassuring for him.
  • Encourage your child with hope and optimism, but don’t make false promises.
  • Allow your child to express her feelings, and give her time to do so without rushing her.
  • Help your child get feelings out through play or physical activity (playdough, drawing, writing, telling stories, writing letters or keeping a diary). If your child needs to be aggressive, help him find a physical activity that uses energy and gives a feeling of satisfaction (such as playing with building blocks or a cubby house, hitting a ball, running, going to a gym or playing sports).
  • Get help or more information. A consultation with a professional about what’s happening for your child might be enough. Try to act sooner rather than later.
If you’re in crisis yourself, and for the time being can’t give your child what she needs, find another adult your child trusts to be her support. This is especially important during a family break-up or when you’re suffering a great personal loss.