Coping with a crisis

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What is a crisis?
What can lead to a crisis?
What you need to know about a crisis
How to know when someone is in a crisis
What parents can do
How children react
Getting support

• People going through a crisis often feel as though they are going crazy. Usually they are not!
• Even the most 'together' person can fall apart in a crisis.
• In a crisis we are usually very keen to change. There is a good chance that with a bit of help we can come out of the situation having learned a lot and feeling stronger, or in a better position than we were before.
• Different children react to a crisis differently at different ages.

Everyone knows about stress – it’s part of life. Stress isn't always unhealthy: it is what makes us get things done on time, or remember things. However, when we get too stressed, stress becomes distress, and things get harder to handle.

If we get to the point where we are so stressed that we don't believe we can cope with a situation any more, then we are in a state of crisis. We can have crises at work, at home or in any part of our lives. In a lifetime of bringing up children, parents can be faced with lots of crises. A crisis is often the time to make changes so things can be better.

What is a crisis?

A crisis usually has several parts: the event, feelings that you can’t cope, and a strong emotional response.

The kind of event that can trigger a crisis usually causes (or threatens to cause) some sort of loss, for example: 

• Loss of someone through death or separation.
• Loss of health through illness or accident.
• Loss of something such as a house or a job.
• Loss of good feelings; for example, feeling bad about yourself, feeling old, feeling a failure, feeling alone.
• 'Chronic stressors' – especially stressful events in your life – can contribute to a feeling of crisis. Examples of these include financial troubles or housing problems.

You may feel unable to cope because you have never been in the situation before, or because right now you feel sick or worn out, or because you are in a similar situation to one you found hard to cope with before.

You can feel frightened, anxious or angry as a result of the high level of stress.

Sometimes it’s not just one thing. It can be a whole lot of things piling up on each other. The good news is that people never stay in crisis forever – it is just too painful! Experts agree that crises tend to last for between a few hours and a few weeks – six to eight weeks at the most. After that time, it is highly likely that either the situation will change, or how we react to it will change.

Everyone has crises but it's how we deal with them that counts.

What can lead to a crisis?

• losing your job
• changes in your workplace
• losing money or winning money
• an accident or injury to you or a loved one
• death of a loved one
• separation or divorce
• being arrested
• having a miscarriage
• having a child with a disability
• a child starting or leaving school
• a major birthday (a new decade)
• natural disasters such as fire and flood
• a child getting into trouble with the law
• children leaving home.

Even ‘good'’ things can lead to a crisis:

• getting married
• the birth of a child
• multiple births
• a promotion
• moving house.
  

What you need to know about a crisis

• How we react to a crisis is very personal. What feels scary to someone else may not feel scary to you. What is a crisis to you today may not be a crisis to you next week.
• In a crisis there is always a sense of danger and a sense of actually or possibly losing something or someone.
• Crises always involve making a choice. We can be overwhelmed by it. We can feel trapped or powerless.
• We can either do nothing and accept the situation, or we can choose to do something about it. 
• When we are in crisis we usually cannot see what we can do about it, because we are too close to the problem.
• A crisis signals a time when we are most willing to make changes.

How to know when someone is in a crisis

There are signs which suggest that a person is in crisis and these include:

• physical signs such as sweaty palms, looking flushed, heart palpitations, dilated pupils, rapid breathing and shaking
• behaviour changes such as broken sleep, inability to sleep, antisocial behaviour, sudden outbursts of anger, loss of appetite and crying
• emotionalsigns such as anxiety, withdrawal, despair, helplessness, agitation and panic
• unclear thinking such as confusion, and inability to concentrate or make decisions.

People often feel:

• bewilderment – 'I've never felt like this before'
• a sense of danger – 'I feel nervous, scared'
• confusion – 'I can't think clearly'
• immobility – 'I feel stuck and nothing helps'
• despair – 'It feels hopeless'
• anger – 'How dare he die and leave me'
• apathy – 'I just don't care any more'
• a sense of urgency – 'I need help now!'
• that the situation is unfair – 'Why should this happen to me?' 

How children react

Children have their own crises, which can be very confusing for a parent, particularly when you don't know the cause. Sometimes things that seem small to adults can bring on a crisis for a child. Seeing a parent or parents in distress can set off a crisis for a child.

The sorts of feelings children have in a crisis are very similar to those of parents, but they are usually less able to put them into words. Children often show their feelings in action rather than words.

Typical reactions of children in times of crisis can be:

• fear that what happened in one area of life will take over their whole life
• loss of interest in school
• acting as though they are younger
• behaviour problems
• disturbed sleep
• problems with friends
• fear of things that may be associated with the crisis, such as loud noises, dogs, strangers
• lack of concentration
• always worrying about what could go wrong.

Children react differently at different ages

Early childhood (1-4 years): thumb-sucking, bedwetting, fear of the dark, clinging to parents, nightmares, sleep problems (can't get to sleep or waking up), loss of bladder or bowel control (or constipation), speech problems, feeding problems, fear of being left alone, fretful.

Childhood (5-8 years): irritability, whining, clinging, aggressive behaviour at home or school, competing for attention, nightmares, fear of the dark, avoiding school, poor concentration at school, fear of being hurt, fear of being abandoned, confusion, school refusal, general anxiety, headaches, 'tummy aches', 'being too good', sleep problems.

What parents can do

For themselves

Children learn about life from their parents and other adults, so how you deal with situations affects how your children handle their lives. Your role is to help children understand that bad things do happen in life, but it is how we deal with them that counts.

When you are faced with a crisis:

• Recognise how you are feeling – pretending you don't have feelings will not make them go away.
• Work out which areas of your life you can control and take charge of these – sometimes doing normal things such as putting on a load of washing will make you feel more in control.
• Give yourself some leeway not to be a super-parent – everyone falls in a heap sometimes!
• Get support for yourself from friends or relatives, or get professional help – a counsellor, doctor, lawyer or accountant may be able to give you the information you really need.
• Anticipate problems that might come along and make plans for dealing with them – anniversaries and special occasions such as birthdays or Christmas can often set off old hurts.

For children

When a child's world falls apart, they need to feel that there is someone who can be relied upon.

• Try not to overreact. Your first instinct is usually to protect your child. If you panic you may only make your child more afraid. Take a few minutes to gather yourself together before you talk to your child. Tell your child if you are upset, but reassure her that you will be able to support her to manage the situation. If you are too distressed, you may need to get someone else to support you both.
• Allow your children to see that you are upset, but reassure them that you will be OK (if this is true) and let them know that they will be looked after.
• Recognise that your children usually become upset or fearful when you are upset.
• Take charge if you need to, particularly if your child is really upset. You will need to take over until your child is calm enough to take control of herself.
• Try not to let the situation grow bigger than it really is, but at the same time recognise that your child's sense of it being ‘the end of the world' is a very real feeling. Show that you understand how it must feel for her.
• Talk to your child. Give answers, even if it is very hard, but keep your answers as simple as possible, in words your child can understand. As a first answer, ‘died’ is a better choice than ‘gone to heaven’. However, ‘gone to heaven’ may be a good answer if it is part of your family's beliefs.
• You may have to repeat simple things many times.
• Ask your child what she wants or needs from you right now.
• It is OK to say 'I don't know'.
• Try not to lecture.
• Give your children enough information so that they can understand what the problem is, without unnecessary detail. If you tell them nothing, they will probably imagine the worst. Tell them what they need to know – they may surprise you with how much they understand. Ask them to tell you what they understand and what else they want to know.
• Let your children know that it's an adult problem that you're working out. They may well surprise you with the love and reassurance that they offer you, but they will not be able to solve adult problems. Let them know that you don't need them to look after you.
• Try to get your child to do a normal activity or chore as soon as possible. Something as simple as helping you to take out the rubbish bin can help your child feel some sense of normality again in the middle of chaos.
• Keep to old routines. Let your children keep to normal routines as much as you can as this helps them to feel safer – but accept that this might just not be possible for a while.
• Contact with friends or relatives may help to make things feel normal again.
• Reassure your child. Remember that actions speak louder than words. Hold your child if that usually makes her feel safer. Some children, particularly an older child, may not want to be touched, so follow their cue. Just be there.
• Night-time can be especially frightening for a child. Spending extra time putting your child to bed can be useful. Using a night light or allowing your child to come to you in the night may help.
• Allow your young child to use a dummy, a favourite toy or a blanket as much as she needs. This can be reassuring.
• Encourage your child with hope and optimism – but don't make false promises. Your child needs to feel there can be a solution, rather than have the solution.
• Allow your child to express her feelings and give her time to do so without being rushed.
• Help your child to get feelings out through play or physical activity (play dough, drawing, writing, telling stories, writing letters or keeping a diary). If your child needs to be aggressive, help her to find a physical activity that uses energy and gives a feeling of satisfaction (building blocks or a cubby house, hitting a ball, running, going to a gym or playing sports).
• Get help or more information. A consultation with a professional about what is happening for your child may be enough. Act sooner rather than later.

If you are in crisis yourself, and for the time cannot give your child what she needs, find another adult whom your child trusts to be a support. This is especially important during a family break-up or when you are suffering a great personal loss.

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