Making the daily switch from work to home

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If you are parenting alone, you may also be juggling a number of tasks at the end of the work day, or facing other challenges that make the switch difficult.

The switch from work to home is not always easy to make. Thoughts about work can colour the way you interact with your children and continue to distract you long after you have left work.

• Being present with your child
• How work affects home
• What children need
• Tips for making the transition
• Positive attention benefits your child and you
• Be realistic

Being present with your child

To thrive, children need warm, loving attention. Providing this attention is key for parents building relationships with their children.

There are two critical ingredients to providing the attention children need: the amount of time spent together and the quality of that time.

For parents, the time that really counts is when they are physically and psychologically present with their child. When this happens, the parent is truly available and engaging with the child.

Work can pose two threats to your ability to be present and provide the warm attention your child needs. First, and obviously, long hours at work leave less time to spend with your child. Time spent together is the building block of all relationships, and the more the better. When time is short, making the most of the time you do have is even more important.

Second, work can have a way of contaminating the time you spend with your children. Sometimes, work-related stress, tiredness, worries and frustration can interfere with parents' ability to be present with their children when they get home after work. In these circumstances, parents might be physically present but with their minds on work. Children, even young children, notice when you're not really paying attention to them. That is bound to happen sometimes. But when it happens a lot, children's feelings about themselves can be affected.

How work affects home

Some work situations make it harder to give your child the kind of loving attention that you want to give. These work situations might include:

• long work hours
• no flexibility about shifts
• constantly rotating shifts
• lack of informal and formal recognition of family responsibilities (for example, no time off allowed for teacher interviews or not allowing sick leave to be used to care for a sick child at home)
• a work culture where people don't talk about or acknowledge family life
• a stressful work atmosphere because of tense or otherwise unhealthy relationships, lack of leadership, too much work or too few workers. 

Research evidence shows that stress, heavy workloads and unpleasant social interactions at work can make you anxious and more stressed at the end of the day. This can interfere with your ability to pay attention to your child when you get home.

At the end of a stressful day at work, both mothers and fathers are likely to withdraw, to be distant and remote. Also, the research shows that fathers who have distressing social interactions at work may be more negative, less involved and more punitive towards their child.

Working long hours may mean that you get home after your children are in bed or that you leave before they wake up. You may hardly see them during the week. If you bring work home, you might have less time to focus on your child.

Sometimes you might feel like telling stories about your work at home — unfortunately even a terrific success or interesting challenge at work is unlikely to interest your children. They probably want to want to focus on their day, not yours.

What children need

Children don't give you time and space to make the transition from your head space to their immediate needs. As soon as they see you, they want to tell you their news, their troubles, their achievements, their wants and needs, such as:

• Can you help me with my homework?
• I have to take an orange hat to school tomorrow.
• What are we having for dinner? I'm starving.
• I scored the winning goal at soccer.
• Jules said I'm not his friend any more. 

Younger children, including babies and toddlers, who can't yet tell you what they need are often tired, grumpy or hungry by the time you are all home at the end of the day. They want cuddles and comforting physical contact. It's usually 'full-on' in a household at the end of a work day, no matter how many adults, how many children, or how old they are.

Also, children too can have bad days, perhaps at care or school. It helps if parents are aware when this happens so they can be ready to handle any resulting feelings or behaviour.

Positive attention benefits your child and you

Even though it's hard to do, it's easier to give loving attention to your child when you remember how important it is to a child's self-esteem. One study found that family strength is strongly linked to how much time family members spend together and how much appreciation they show each other.

Other research shows that a good family life can help prevent burnout at work. So every opportunity you have to build your relationship with your child benefits him but pays off for you as well.

When you're busy, stressed or stretched to the limit, you can easily slip into thinking of paying attention to your child as just another job, another responsibility. Instead it might help to remember how wonderful it is to have a child to come home to, to share the world with.

Be realistic

Your expectations of yourself and of family life need to be realistic. It would be great if you were always able to leave your concerns behind and be the 'perfect' parent. It would also be great if children were always cheerful and concerned more about your wellbeing than their own. Unfortunately, that's just not how things are.

There will be times when the balance between work and family demands is 'upset'. For example, your child might be sick, you might be working night shifts, you might need to travel for work, or a project might require extra work or longer hours. Good strong family relationships can help you all withstand trying times.

And remember, there is no universal formula for work-family balance. You, your situation and your relationship with your child are unique. You need to take into account your energy level, personality, and parenting style as well as your child's needs. Set reasonable standards for yourself. With realistic expectations, you are likely to find ways to create a good balance that works in the long term for you and for your child. 

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