Crying babies

A baby’s cry is distressing for parents, and it is meant to be. It is the baby’s main way of letting people know that something is not right and that she needs help. A new baby cannot care for herself, and has to call for help. The challenge is to work out what the baby needs and what will stop the crying.

This is not always easy, and babies may cry quite a lot in the early weeks, even when their parents are very attentive.  

Comforting your baby

• If your baby is crying, she needs you to go to her, and care for her.
• You cannot spoil a baby by responding when she is upset.
• In the early months a baby needs to learn that her world is a safe place to be in, and that she can trust her carers to meet her needs.
• You may not be able to stop the crying every time, but you need to do what you can to provide comfort, and help your baby learn to cope with her distress.
• Research has shown that when parents give comfort to young crying babies, they may cry less when they are older.  

Reasons for crying: a checklist

• Is she hungry? Young babies may need feeding fairly often, especially if they are breastfed. Even if she has recently had a feed, you can try a quick top-up to see if that makes things better, or worse. If she feeds very briefly then stops, she probably isn't hungry.
• Is she having a bowel action? Young babies can make a lot of fuss about doing a poo, even when it is soft or runny.
• Is she uncomfortable? Check if she is too hot or cold, needs a nappy change, has comfortable loose clothing (for example, not too tight around the tummy).
• Is she in the best place to settle? Some babies sleep better in a quiet dark place, others do better with some noise and activity.
• Does she have wind? Air in the tummy probably does not cause all the trouble it is blamed for, but some babies settle better if you hold them upright and pat their back for a while, even if they do not burp.
• Is she unwell? Check for signs of illness, especially if her crying is different to her usual pattern. Seek help if you are worried. 
• Is she overtired? If she has been awake for a while, try wrapping her firmly and rocking or patting her to sleep.
• Does she need a cuddle? Babies need lots of close contact with their parents.  
• Is she crying for no obvious reason at all?

Normal crying patterns

• Parents often feel their baby cries more than other babies, or more than they expected. 
• There is a wide range of normal crying. Some babies cry much more than other babies for no clear reason.
• Young babies may have one or two times each day when they usually cry, with some unsettled behaviour in between. The late afternoon and evening tend to be the worst. 
• Studies show babies fuss or cry about two hours a day on average, some rather more, and some less.
• The amount of crying often increases until the baby is about six weeks old, and then tends to settle a lot after three months. This is not the same for all babies.  

What parents can do

• If your baby is crying a lot, check with your doctor so you can feel sure that your baby is well.
• Find out what works best for your baby and you. As you get to know your baby you will find it easier to recognise when she wants a feed or a cuddle or needs to be settled to sleep.
• Work through the checklist above, and try the settling ideas below, using the ones that seem to fit for you.  

Settling ideas

• Crying babies tend to arch their heads back and stiffen their legs. Holding them curved into a C or flexed position can help them calm down.
• Wrapping or swaddling in a cotton sheet can be calming and help the baby sleep for longer. 
• Dummies help some babies to settle, but if you are breastfeeding your baby, don’t use one in the early weeks until the breastfeeding is well established.
• Baby slings are great to provide the comfort and contact that babies need when you have something else to do.
• Soft music, rhythmic sounds or continuous machine noises (such as the noise made by a washing machine) soothe some babies.
• Most babies settle when taken for a walk in the pram, and the exercise helps parents feel better too. Avoid leaving your baby sleeping unattended in a pram though.
• Some babies only seem to settle when taken for a drive. This has some drawbacks, but if you are able to do this safely (you are not too tired, or too distressed by your baby’s crying) this might be useful for the few weeks before she grows past this stage.
• Whispering to babies will sometimes get their attention and stop them crying.

Some babies who cry a lot find it hard to settle into a pattern of feeding and sleeping, so everyone gets very overtired.

Coping with your own feelings

It is very hard to always be patient with your baby, especially if she cries a lot. You may find yourself feeling frustrated, angry, helpless and distressed. These feelings are real and cannot just be ignored. Just because you love your baby doesn’t mean you have to like her behaviour all the time.  

• Remind yourself that your baby cannot control her crying and is not trying to get at you. She is not ‘spoilt’ and attending to her will not spoil her.
• If there is someone nearby to help, give them the baby while you take a break.
• If you are on your own, you may need to take a break anyway when you feel angry feelings building up. Put your baby down in a safe place and walk away. Go outside perhaps, and take some deep breaths, phone someone or make a cup of tea. When you feel calmer, go back to your baby and try to settle her again.
• It is important to look after yourself when you have a young baby who depends on you. Take up offers of help and get some regular breaks when you can.
• If you are really feeling down and are finding it hard to enjoy your baby at all, or you are often tearful or feeling depressed, it is important to talk it over with your doctor, child health nurse or counsellor.

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