Co-parenting: getting the balance right

It’s not easy to create new parenting arrangements when a relationship breaks down. You might both want as much time as possible with the kids, or your ex-partner might not want to see them. You might see equal time as a fair solution – then again, you might not have the resources to do this.

Establishing co-parenting

Whatever your situation, you and your ex-partner need to make firm decisions about how you’ll parent your children now. You might be able to sort this out together. If you can’t, you can contact one of several support agencies for help. Here are some other tips for setting up your new arrangements.

Develop a co-parenting plan
A parenting plan is a useful way to set out the details of your new relationship. To create one, you and your ex-partner need to discuss your rights and responsibilities with regard to your kids, and set up a way to work out disputes.

A shared parenting plan should address:

• custody or visitation schedule
• education
• finances
• children’s medical needs or concerns
• discipline and household rules
• holidays and special events
• decision-making guidelines.

Have a contingency plan
Once your arrangement is in place, you need to agree on what happens if one of you needs to change plans or has a change in circumstances. You might be able to discuss this in person, on the phone or via email.

Aim for a flexible attitude
It benefits everyone to be a little bit flexible about your arrangements. For example, if your ex-partner is sometimes late for pick-ups, it might help to be ready with alternative plans. Try to keep in mind that getting upset about a change your ex-partner makes will only make it difficult the next time you need to change things.

Your plans will also need to adapt as your children grow and their circumstances change – for example, when they start school or take up a new sport.

Try to accept different parenting styles
Your ex-partner’s parenting style might take some getting used to, especially if your ex-partner has different values or beliefs.

One way to deal with this is to work out if you don’t like your ex-partner’s style because of your preferences or because of essential requirements. For example:

• Preference: ‘I don’t like our daughter eating so many sweets at her other parent’s place.’
• Essential requirement: ‘Our child must have an insulin injection every day.’

If you don’t like something because of your preferences, you might be able to let it slide. Then you can concentrate on things that affect your child’s health and safety.

Keep your ex-partner up-to date
Children benefit when their other parent knows about their interests and keeps in touch. Even if other parents live far away, kids still benefit from regular email, phone and letter contact, particularly if it goes both ways.

Plan ahead for tasks and events
You might want your children’s ex-partner to be involved in or take responsibility for tasks like maternal and child health visits, school outings, or child care events. You can also contact your child’s school to make sure your ex-partner gets duplicates of school records.

All this helps your ex-partner be more involved in your kids’ lives, which is good for everyone.

Give your ex-partner some time to learn the ropes
Until your separation, you might have done most of the caring for your children. In this case, some ex-partners might take a little time to get the hang of a one-on-one relationship with their children.

Be prepared for some negative feelings
When your children are with their other parent, you might feel a sense of loss, loneliness and disappointment. Planning ahead can help you cope when your children are away.

If possible, agree in advance on the kind of contact you will have with the kids during these periods. For example, you might have goodnight phone calls, emails or text messages. Try to put on a happy face for your children – this will help them with the transition.

Dealing with special celebrations

Sometimes the biggest days of the year – for example, special religious festivals or holidays – are the hardest times to work out parenting plans that suit everyone. Being alone on a significant day, without your child, is difficult for many separated parents.

Some parents split special days in half. For others, it works better to alternate parenting on special days every year. You can also hold celebrations before or after the special day. If you can, hold on to some traditions that you previously shared, like opening presents in bed in the morning or sharing a special dessert.

It can also help to talk with your kids in advance about what the arrangements will be for their birthdays and other special days.

You might find you need to talk to your children’s other parent about when you want to give gifts and what sort of gifts are suitable. For example, you might decide only on special occasions, or small gifts once a month. Try to share information about the larger gifts you might buy for a special occasion, to avoid doubling up.

When your ex-partner can’t be involved

Sometimes keeping your kids in contact with your ex-partner isn’t possible, or might not be possible for periods of time. This could happen if:

• your relationship involved violence or abuse
• your ex-partner has died, is in prison, or has moved far away
• your ex-partner chooses not to have contact with the children.

In cases like these, your relationships with other trusted adults can help. They can offer care and support and be role models for your children. These people might be members of your extended family, close friends, teachers, neighbours or coaches.

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