Connecting with your toddler

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The word ‘toddler’ represents the ages between approximately 1-3½ years. It not only describes the unique way that toddlers walk to get around, but also the mind-boggling rate of development and thought going on within the brain. By three years of age, a child’s brain will be 80% the size of an adult’s, with an enormous amount of development still to do before she’ll be writing poetry or juggling chainsaws.

The relationships a toddler has with her parents – and later with other children – are extremely important, as it’s in these relationships that she learns her social skills.

Almost all toddlers get frustrated, want independence, are keen to learn and afraid of being away from you. Knowing that will help you to make the most of your relationship with your toddler.

Toddlers live in a world of overwhelming emotions mixed with communication skills that just can’t keep up. They are torn between their fear of being separated from you and their longing for independence. Their feelings can sometimes be too much for them, but they can’t find the words to tell you what’s wrong. And their brains are just coming to grips with the idea that they can change the way the world works. If you can help your toddler with all these things, you’ll be well on the way to having a great relationship.

Separation

• Talk to your toddler about times when you’ll need to be apart. If your child knows when she’s going to be left alone, where she’ll be and when you’ll be back – especially if it’s all part of an identifiable routine – she’ll feel more secure.
• When your toddler is going to another caregiver, let her take favourite objects from home (a blanket, a toy) so she has her home life with her even though she is somewhere else.
• Make a book with family photos, pets and your house for leaving at child care.
• Speak to caregivers about standard routines and how special events are handled so they can continue these outside the home.
• Play games that focus on concepts such as object permanence – peekaboo, hide and seek or dramatic play with animals and toys that disappear and then reappear, to show that things still exist, even though you can’t see them.
• Ask your child’s caregiver to talk about you when you are absent and remind your child that you’ll be returning.

Frustration and emotional control

• Teach your toddler words or gestures to use when she feels frustrated or needs help.
• Be clear when you tell your toddler what to do, for example, ‘It’s not your turn to play with the blocks yet. Let’s do something else now and then we can play when it’s your turn’.
• If she’s doing something you don’t like – particularly if she’s getting angry or frustrated – try distracting her or redirecting her into another activity. For example, if she’s fighting with someone over a toy, start talking to her about Thomas the Tank Engine.
• Help her put her feelings into words, ‘You're upset because you ripped your picture, let’s paint another one’.
• When your child embarks on a temper tantrum, try to stay calm. Not only does this make her feel safe, it teaches emotional control by example. Also, try to remember times of the day or things such as hunger or fatigue that trigger tantrums. If you can make adjustments in advance, you might be able to reduce the intensity of the tantrum.
• When your child flies off the handle, she is testing out her surrounding world and seeing what sort of responses she can get. Your response can have a powerful influence on her behaviour and ability to control her own emotions. If you stay calm and don’t give in to tantrums, you’re helping her learn to deal with frustration.

Independence

• Praise her for her bravery and let her know that you are there to provide a sense of security when she needs it. Encourage her independence, and be there if she needs help.
• Allow your child to make simple choices, such as a banana or an apple for a snack, red or yellow shoes, or a book to read. Toddlers love making decisions and it is an excellent way to help build confidence in your child.
• Let her make mistakes – that’s how she learns. Also, allow her to experiment with things, such as moving around playground equipment in different ways. As long as she is safe, these experiences encourage curiosity and confidence.
• Provide lots of guidance and initiate games of sharing and turn-taking.
• Let her help you with sweeping, making a snack, or other work around the house so she can feel ‘big’ while maintaining special rituals like a bedtime story to let her know she's still your ‘baby’.

Thinking, problem-solving and skills

• Show your child you’re interested in her play and let her decide what games she likes.
• Encourage make-believe play, which stimulates the imagination and lets her work through ideas.
• If she’s talking or moving, doing things over and over again will help her brain build pathways that strengthen her skills. Taking the cutlery out of the drawer and putting it back, then taking it out and putting it back, and so on, will help her develop motor skills. Re-reading the same books may get a bit boring for parents, but kids love the familiarity and sense of being able to predict what will happen.
• Incorporate play into everyday routines so your toddler will get involved. Give her chances to be physically, socially and emotionally involved in activities, and comment as her abilities and independence develops: ‘Good girl, you did that all on your own!’

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