Childhood sex play

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In fact, as many as half of all adults remember engaging in this sort of childhood sexual play. It happens between boys and girls, boys and boys, girls and girls, neighbours, and siblings – and it tells parents nothing at all about a child's future sexual orientation or adult sexual health.

Normal curiosity

Children this age are very curious about bodies – their own and other people's. They are trying on roles and behaviours. They may be mimicking adults as they play doctor or marriage. This combination of natural curiosity and role-playing sometimes leads to childhood sex play. It may lead to touching, and children discover that this type of touching feels good. In other words, this type of play is expected and harmless.

Handling the situation with understanding and tact

So what do you do if you walk in on your child when he's engaged in this type of behaviour with another boy or girl? First, take a deep breath. Take off your adult glasses – your child is not having sex with the four-year-old next door! Most likely he is just curious about how his body is different from hers, and vice versa.

Then let your values guide you to the appropriate, calm response. Some parents choose to ignore this type of play, simply closing the door, and knowing that it will pass. Others are uncomfortable having this type of play in their home; they calmly ask the children to stop, get dressed, and play in the living room or family room rather than a room with a closed door. Screaming or overreacting may cause your child to feel shame or guilt about his sexual curiosity, perhaps for years to come. Remembering that this is expected behaviour can help you stay calm.

An opportunity for an important lesson

Afterwards, when you're alone with your child, you can use your discovery as a teaching opportunity. You can say, ‘I know that you are curious about bodies. But there are other ways to learn besides looking at another child. I have a book that we can look at together’. (If you don’t happen to have the perfect book on hand, take a trip together to the library, and ask the librarian to help you find one.) And you can give him your values: ‘Your body belongs only to you, and your friend's body belongs only to her. We think it is better for children to play with their clothes on’.

Remember that there is a big difference between this type of harmless child sexual play and play that is exploitative or abusive. Children do not naturally engage in painful sexual behaviour, oral-genital contact, simulated or real intercourse, or penetration with fingers or other objects. Nor do most children engage in healthy sexual play with a child who is more than a few years older or younger than they are. These types of activities could come from exposure to inappropriate adult entertainment – or they could signal that a child has been sexually abused. If your child is engaging in any of these types of behaviours, it would be a good idea to talk with your paediatrician or another qualified health professional.

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