What is bullying?
Bullying is when someone deliberately and repeatedly upsets, frightens, threatens or hurts someone else or their property, reputation or friendships.
Bullying can be:
- teasing, saying mean things, threatening someone or calling someone names
- deliberately ignoring someone or leaving them out of games or activities, and/or encouraging others to do this
- playing nasty jokes or spreading rumours or nasty stories
- pushing, tripping or hitting someone
- taking or damaging their things or asking for money.
Bullying can happen face to face in preschools, schools, sports clubs, other extracurricular groups and workplaces.
Bullying can also happen online. Cyberbullying is when someone uses digital technology to send nasty texts, say mean things about others, or deliberately harass or humiliate someone.
All bullying is hurtful. When it keeps going, it can cause long-lasting harm.
Bullying is never OK.
If friends or peers disagree or even argue, or if someone says something mean once, it can be unpleasant and even nasty. But it isn’t bullying. Bullying is mean and hurtful behaviour that happens over and over again.
Children and pre-teens: signs of bullying
Your child might tell you that they’re being bullied. For example, your child might say that other children are teasing them, making fun of them, putting them down, laughing at them, calling them names, ignoring them, physically hurting them or threatening them.
If your child doesn’t say anything but you’re worried, here are some signs to look out for.
Physical signs
These include:
- bruises, cuts and scratches
- torn clothes
- missing property
- poor eating or sleeping
- bedwetting
- complaints about headaches or tummy aches.
School or preschool problems
Your child might:
- not want to go to preschool or school
- stay close to teachers during breaks
- start sitting alone
- have difficulty asking or answering questions in class
- have trouble with schoolwork or homework
- stop taking part in school activities.
Social changes
Your child might avoid social events that they used to enjoy, like parties. Or you might notice that your child talks about:
- being excluded at lunch and recess
- losing contact with classmates after school
- being chosen last for teams and games.
Emotional and behavioural changes
Your child might:
- be unusually anxious or nervous
- seem upset, unhappy, down, teary or angry
- be withdrawn or secretive
- ask you for money or extra lunch box treats.
These signs might be more obvious at the end of weekends or holidays, when your child has to go back to school.
These signs don’t necessarily mean your child is being bullied. They could be signs of other issues, like depression. But you should take these signs seriously. If you’re concerned, speak to your GP or another health professional.
There’s no single way to tell whether your child is being bullied. The way your child reacts to bullying will depend on how bad the bullying is, as well as your child’s personality.
Teenagers: signs of bullying
Teenage bullying can be hard to spot.
It’s often less physical than bullying among younger children. Also, your child might try to hide it from you and others. Your child might feel ashamed and afraid or might not want you to worry. They might deny it’s happened if you ask them about it. Often teenagers just want bullying to go away.
But there are signs of teenage bullying that you can look out for. For example, a child who’s being bullied might have problems with school, or show emotional, behavioural or physical signs.
School problems
Your child might:
- refuse to go to school, make excuses not to go to school, or skip school and not tell you
- be unhappy or anxious before or after school
- say ‘I hate school’ or express fear of school
- start doing poorly at school.
Emotional and behavioural changes
Your child might:
- become more and more isolated from others
- show noticeable changes in behaviour or emotions, like anxiety
- have trouble sleeping
- seem low on self-confidence – for example, say things like ‘I’m no good’ or not want to try new things
- start using alcohol or other drugs
- ask you for money
- seem upset during or after being online, or unexpectedly delete social media accounts.
Physical signs
Your child might:
- have physical injuries they can’t or won’t explain – for example, bruises or torn clothing
- come home with damaged or missing belongings
- regularly tell you they have a headache, stomach ache or other physical problem.
Your child might be experiencing some of these signs for other reasons, so it’s best to talk together about the signs you’ve noticed.
Talking with children and teenagers about bullying
It can be hard to know for sure whether your child is being bullied. But if your child is being bullied, talking about the bullying is one of the best ways to find out more and help your child.
Conversation starters for younger children
- What did you do at playtime today?
- Who did you play with today? Is there anyone you don’t like to play with? Why?
- What sort of games did you play? Did you enjoy them?
- Are you looking forward to going to preschool tomorrow?
- If you could change one thing about preschool or other kids, what would it be?
Conversation starters for older children and pre-teens
- What did you do at lunchtime today?
- Is there anyone at school you don’t like? Why?
- Are you looking forward to going to school tomorrow?
- If you could change one thing about school or other kids, what would it be?
Conversation starters for teenagers
- What did you do at lunchtime today?
- Who do you find easy to hang out with?
- Is there anyone you avoid at school? Why?
- What’s happening on your social media? Does anyone make you feel uncomfortable with their posts?
When you’re talking with your child about school, try to keep the conversation relaxed and friendly, and avoid bombarding your child with questions. Just give your child your full attention, ask simple questions, and listen to the answers. You could try saying things like, ‘So what happened next?’ and ‘What did you do then?’ This approach can make it easier for your child to open up.
What to do when children and teenagers are being bullied
Children and teenagers should never be left to sort out bullying on their own. It can hurt them a lot, in the short and long term. It’s important for you to step in quickly to stop bullying, before it damages your child’s confidence.
You can take steps to:
- help preschool children who are being bullied
- help school-age children who are being bullied
- help teenagers who are being bullied.
What if your child is the one doing the bullying? It can be hard to understand and accept, but there are things you can do if your younger child is bullying others, or your teenage child is bullying others.