Attachment

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What is attachment behaviour?
Responding to babies' cues
Who do babies attach to?
Attachment and separation
Separation and sleep
What you need to know
What you can do 

Attachment is the pattern of relationship between an infant and a caregiver which enables the infant to feel safe and free to learn and explore. A secure attachment in the first year of life has been shown to have a positive effect on social, emotional and mental development. It is a relationship that is not present at birth but develops over the first few months of life in response to sensitive care. On the other hand unresponsive, erratic or threatening care can lead to attachment problems that have an ongoing negative effect on development. Secure early attachment is an important foundation for healthy development and for coping with all the challenges that growing up brings.

What is attachment behaviour?

Attachment is like building a line between two planets, a big planet and a small one that is near it. If you can develop a strong line, the small planet can revolve and do its own thing with no fear of flying out into space. At times in our lives we are all afraid of being lost and of darkness, especially in infancy, but those who have had strong attachments as babies develop a sense of being secure and safely moving through life.

Attachment behaviour is when babies and toddlers try to get comfort and protection from the people they are attached to. All human babies, wherever they are, have this behaviour in order to protect themselves from danger.

They can do this by smiling and cooing, crawling and following, holding out their arms, crying and many other signals that parents and carers learn to know.

When the child gets an appropriate response, such as eye contact, a smile, a touch or a quick cuddle, and feels safe, the attachment seeking stops and the child is free to relax, play, explore and learn again.
 
If there is not an appropriate response, for example if the baby is ignored or punished, the baby continues to feel anxious or afraid and continues the attachment behaviour. Some babies who are very afraid give up trying.

So, for example, if a parent thinks a toddler should be brave and discourages the child to leave the safety and closeness of an adult before he is ready, the child is likely to respond by feeling more afraid and clinging more.

Helping children to feel safe first is the best way to encourage them to be brave.

Responding to babies' cues

Responding to babies' cues not only helps to develop secure attachment but is also the beginning of two-way communication.

Even young babies can give signals that they need attention, and signals that show when the carer's response to them is inappropriate, such as over-intrusive. Babies can also show when they have had enough.

To show they need attention young babies may:

• make eye contact
• make little noises
• smile
• copy the parent's gestures
• look relaxed and interested.

To show when they need a break or perhaps a different, gentler approach young babies may:

• look away
• shut their eyes
• try to struggle or pull away
• yawn
• look tense and unsettled
• cry.

It is important to respond to these signals in ways that meet the child's need, because this says to the baby that he has been heard and responded to and it is the beginning of developing a sense of an independent self.

All babies are different and will develop their own special ways of showing what they need and special patterns of interaction with their parents.

See Baby Cues (adapted from Baby Cues: A Child's First Language, NCAST-AvenUW).

Who do babies attach to?

Babies develop attachment relationships with their main caregivers over the first few months of life.

The caregivers can be mother, father, grandparent, key child care worker or anyone who has a main role in caring for the child.

Babies can form attachments with more than one person. In fact if there is a problem with the relationship with the main caregiver, e.g. if the mother is depressed or very distracted, a secure attachment relationship with another caring person can help to balance this and give the baby a positive relationship model.

However if babies have too many different caregivers and different relationship patterns to adjust to, it can be difficult for them to be able to adjust to and to develop secure relationships; for example, they may have sleep or feeding problems (although there are many other causes for sleep and feeding problems!).

Attachment and separation

By the time your baby is about six months old he will have become attached to the people who care for him most. These people will be his safe base to explore the world for the next few years until he is old enough to really feel secure when you are not there. This can also bring with it fears of people he does not know so well, sometimes even the other parent or a loving grandparent. This is part of learning to feel safe in the world; he will soon learn to feel safe again with other people in his life when you reassure him that all is well and if he is not pushed along too quickly.

During the next few years, until they are about three or four, babies and toddlers gradually get to manage longer separations from their special people. At first they continually check – even follow you into the toilet once they can crawl. Then they will move away and play for a while but check back by looking for you or coming to you from time to time. This is how they gradually develop confidence. By three or four they can usually manage a day or half a day with other people without being upset, but some children take longer. It depends on their temperament and their early experiences.

Separation and sleep

Babies who have slept well for the first six months or so of their lives and then start waking at night or not wanting to go to sleep may be suffering from separation anxiety.

This happens because they are afraid when their special people are not there, especially at night. Babies don't understand when you say you will be coming back soon or in the morning. To them it can seem like forever.

If this is the problem you will find that your baby will sleep well as long as he knows you are near. You might find it helpful to put a mattress or comfortable chair near his bed and just lie down near him when he wakes at night, or to have him in your room if that is acceptable. 

What you need to know

Much research has gone into looking at the best ways to give babies secure foundations; parents and carers have found the following to be most helpful:

Have realistic expectations of what babies can do: it helps to know how babies develop so you don't expect them to be able to do things that they can't do. For example, some parents think that young babies are trying to manipulate them when they cry at night. But young babies don't remember that you are there when you are out of sight. They cry because they need something and if parents come when they cry and comfort them they eventually learn to know that the world is safe and they cry less.

Take time to be with your baby and learn to ‘read’ his messages. Young babies often give very small signals for what they need and are dependent on carers who can learn to understand their signals and respond to them.

Respect and think about the baby as a separate person with his own needs and wants and feelings. Think about how it feels for a baby to be suddenly picked up without warning and put down somewhere else, or to have a nappy change or be handed to a stranger.

Find support for yourself: have someone to talk things over with, to encourage you when you are doing well and to give you a break when you need it. It is often much harder than you would think to learn, understand and respond to little babies, and parents need support too.

Understand your own parenting, that is, how your parents raised you, what that meant to you and how it affects the way you feel about and care for children (because it always does).

What you can do

• Think about, treat, and talk to your baby as an individual with his own needs, likes and dislikes.
• Learn to know your baby's signals, what his messages mean, and then respond to them.
• Think about timing. Try to be gentle or gradual when introducing changes such as picking your baby up or changing his nappy. Tell him what you are going to do so he learns that the world is predictable. Don't startle him.
• Be flexible.
• Learn to know what works for your baby.
• Don't stick to a set routine if it doesn't suit your baby and you.
• Remember that babies grow and change quickly, and need more time awake with you, so you need to respond to their changes.
• Find out about how babies grow and learn so you know what babies are like and don't have unreasonable expectations.
• Copy the baby's little noises and gestures – this is the beginning of conversation.
• Wait for the baby's response before going on.
• If the baby looks away or yawns, stop and try again later.
• Make eye contact. Babies like to look into your eyes.
• Notice when your baby is trying to get your attention with looks, smiles or cries. Crying always signals a need.
• Provide comfort when your baby is upset.
• Try to relax and concentrate on the baby's world, what he is looking at, trying to do, feeling, etc.
• Give your baby opportunities to succeed and make things happen, e.g. put a rattle where he can hit it to make a noise, or crawl to reach it.
• Find out what your baby really likes.
• Remember you are the most important part of your baby's life.
• If you are worried about your relationship with your baby ask for help. It is such an important part of your baby's life that getting help when he is young can make a big difference to you and to your baby.

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